Friday, September 22, 2017

Life's Toughest Decisions

I've just been thinking about life's toughest decisions.
I'm not talking about which University course to choose, or whether or not you should buy a new car. Life's toughest decisions are matters of the heart.

I can tell you exactly when I was faced with my last tough decision. It was the start of 2014, I had been married for a year. Before marriage, we did speak (favourably) of starting a family. But there I was, lying in bed, having been married for a year... and my husband still "wasn't ready" to start trying for a baby.

I had already brought up the topic several hundred times, only to be met with reassuring excuses, irrational tantrums and everything in between. My dilemma then was, do I continue this marriage and forget about having a child? Has he been leading me on all this while, saying "not yet" when he really means "never"? Do I cut my losses now, get out, start all over again? How important is having family to me?

I distinctly remember the night I lay in bed crying myself to sleep, as I had often done. And I told myself I would give it until my birthday (end September). And if he wasn't ready then, I would leave.

Low and behold, some time in September that year, he woke up one morning and said ok, he was ready to start trying for a family. I never told him that mental deadline I had set for myself, but it seems he just had a change of heart at the right time. Anyway, I was elated! And also relieved. We found out we were pregnant with Myla Rae in May the following year, and she was born in December.

Now that I think back to that time... if let's say by my birthday that September 2014, he was still not ready. Would I have had the gumption to leave my marriage? Indeed it would be a very tough decision. At that point, I think yes, I would have, because my desire to start a family of my own was high. I felt that life would be incomplete without a child.
Things are very different now with Myla, even when times are bad, I look at her and think, as long as I have her, I can weather through things. For her. I guess every parent feels that way?

I'm sure that low point in my life where I had to make the decision to leave if he wasn't ready for kids... won't be the last tough decision of my life. The road is still long, and there are lots of learning experiences coming my way. I have yet to figure out how not to let worries, doubts, fears and guilt sabotage me in my decision-making.

Please share with me. What was the toughest decision you had to make in your life so far? How did it work out?

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