Monday, June 27, 2011

Did You Know Instantly She Was The One You'd Marry?

I realise that this question might be a bit out of the blue.
But I'm hoping my readers who are married (or have been married before) can shed a little light on this topic.


Did you know right away upon first meeting your wife, that she would be your wife?


(... Or husband, etc).


I know a few people who had this feeling in them and they knew their date was the One they would marry. One of the latest ones is my friend Lem (well... we had a few dates when I was in my late teens)... and then we stayed friends even after he went to live in Melbourne. I distinctly remember him commenting one day, after having met a girl in Melbourne... "this is the girl I'm going to marry."


And then along the way, we sort of lost contact for a few years. And lately, I came across him on Facebook... low and behold... he had just gotten married to that same girl in Feb this year. It took a long while though.. cos he must have made that "this is the girl I'm going to marry" statement like 5 years ago. But still... he knew it! He knew it from very early on.


What do you think? Does this happen to many people? Would it totally freak you out if a guy said this to you on a date?

On one hand, I think marriage is a decision which involves much more information and consideration than you can put out there in a first date. And I don't know how much I believe in "love at first sight" either ... but I've always been told- "When you know, you'll know!"


Is it possible that you can know in your heart that you have met someone you will marry... before your brain could even understand it?


Do you think age is a factor in this? It's about knowing what you want in a partner because you have had more experiences in life. So when you spot it, you just know it... you've found the one you want to marry. There's no need for games, or drama, or checklists. (And no it's not lust at first sight... if anything.. you don't want to sleep with this person too soon because you don't want to jeopardise anything).


Even the most cautious people who take years to weigh their options, the ones who put their partners through all sorts of tests, take years to get to know them and subject them to judgement upon judgement to see if they are appropriate spouse material... even those calculated relationships do fail.


So, I'm wondering... can something in your gut (or heart) let you really know instantly that a person is the one you're going to marry?

30 comments:

  1. Anonymous4:14 pm

    My husband said he knew after the first few dates and the crazy thing is I knew after the first dinner date that I spent with him that he was it for me. Best feeling I have ever had in my life.

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  2. I think I didn't really know KNOW, but it seemed apparant to me within the first year.

    No, don't think I knew on the first date.

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  3. Still Single4:26 pm

    I think if u do get those gut feeling.. then ur lucky.

    For most ppl. we dont come across it.

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  4. I wasn't even on a date when I first met him less than 2 years ago, and we're getting married in August!

    Yes, I did know it the moment we met.

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  5. Sometimes you know it but they don't so no point haha. But i wonder if there are people out there who say they knew it but they turned out wrong, or they are too embarrassed to admit?

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  6. Anonymous5:53 pm

    As for me, I didn't know upon the first date, but by our first anniversary together.

    But having said that, it wasn't a smooth ride too. We did break up along the way after the first year but got back together again after some time.

    I tried dating other gals during that time, but they were just not the right 'fit'.

    We only realised that we had that unique chemistry when we were apart. I initiated the patch up and today we are married!

    Calvin

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  7. Anonymous6:00 pm

    if you keep having that feeling eventually you're gonna be right :p

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  8. Anonymous10:37 pm

    After 6 months of dating I wanted to marry him! He knew I was the one within the first year ... and he made preparations for the year and proposed on our second anniversary. We have been happily married for 4 years now. I think it is all in the heart. You feel ... you dont think. At least for me. I fell in love and everything felt so RIGHT after a while of dating him!

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  9. Anonymous10:59 pm

    ok so is something amiss if you're still in Doubt, six months before the wedding?!

    j

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  10. Anonymous12:22 am

    Hey Calvin.. sorry but I'm being a nosey parker here. You mentioned you broke up with your ex and patched things up but between that you did date other girls. How did your friends react when they find out? Did you feel the need to hide? My bf of 3 years and I broke up for 4 mths and have been back for a while now but we're still keeping things mum...

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  11. Anonymous6:59 am

    I think this question shouldn't simply be posed to those who are married, but those who have been happily married for some time.

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  12. We went on a vacation together within weeks of starting the relationship (but we knew each other for months), i knew it on the trip. I told my close friend after i came back. I also told him within a couple of months of the trip, i didn't care if he thought i was crazy cuz I was so sure of my love for him (and his for me).

    He proposed just before our 1.5 year mark, and he also admitted he knew it on our trip. We're getting married in Oct!

    We were lucky, but i do agree with one of the Anons above that sometimes, people think they know but turn out to be wrong. You don't hear stories like that much as it's humiliating.

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  13. Anonymous11:22 am

    You're getting married? Congrats! =)

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  14. Anonymous11:33 am

    Hi Anon-12:22am

    I didn't have to announce it to our friends when we broke up. Words got around & somehow they knew. They respected our privacy but were still there for us.

    When we got back together, we did inform them though.

    (sorry for hijacking this space, HJ)

    Calvin

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  15. Anonymous3:46 pm

    I am happily married for 11 years and upon the first date with my wife I knew she was meant for me.

    We got married within 8months of dating and were happy till today.

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  16. Yah, i dont know about all this.

    Some girls think they are going to marry just about every man they meet. (i mean, if you are dating someone seriously, im sure you would think of him as marriage potential).

    So then when you do end up marrying one of them, you think: wow i knew it from the start.

    I think its quite different from reality really.

    Also, when they meet a guy who treats them well, obviously they think: wow this works so much better than my other relationships, wow this may work in the long term...

    So im not really sure there is relaly love at first sight per se. But I guess you know quite early on what works and what doesn't.

    If you have dated many crap men before that one good one, you are more likley to feel like you "know".

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  17. I knew that my husband was the one from the get go. Our situation was (still is) quite different. We met each other while playing online games, talked online for about 6 months before I flew to US to meet him for the 1st time. I made the decision to take that leap of faith because I loved the kind of person he was on webcam/online and hoped that he'd be the same in person - he was and way lovelier! He told me he loved me the 1st time during that visit and from the on I just knew. Sure we have ups and downs because we were (still are) getting to know each other but at the end of the day, we are very much in love with each other and everything kind of works itself out. He asked me to marry him after a year of LDR and got married the following year. We still are in a long distance relationship but we're close to ending that chapter as we're making progress in getting my green card.

    If we were to count days of being together in person, well, our relationship is only about 6 months old. But regardless of that and the 12000 miles between us, I've always known he's the one so the length of that relationship is insignificant.

    not sure if I answer any of your questions but yeah, that's my story and my take on it =)

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  18. i dun know but i feel comfortable when i with her.

    is she e one?? i take things one at a time... =)

    D-GUY.

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  19. sorry to be flooding your comment inbox =P but i forgot to say that to me, yes, when you know, you just do =) At least that was how things were for me =)

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  20. thanks for sharing ur views everyone. I love hearing your stories about how you knew He/She was the One, and it turned out to be a happy ending too.

    And for ppl like Jess, yes, you do have a point and it makes absolute sense that it may just be a matter of probability, a fluke, or giving it more meaning than is really there.

    But though it may seem naive, I'd still like to believe in that sort of magic... :)

    P/s- no, not getting married! No one's asked yet! Lol

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  21. Anonymous5:31 am

    Yes if you are still in doubt just 6 months before your marriage, I'd say. Move on with your life ... before a divorce is called for , cos things wont just look up after a marriage. It happened to me.

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  22. Why would anything change after marriage? Anyone could have told u that. Its just paper you know??

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  23. Anonymous2:35 pm

    I knew my husband was The One since the first day we were introduced to each other. I never had that feeling before and it just felt like i had to have him. Although it didn't come across to him the same way though.

    We are two individuals from absolutely different worlds and during the relationship, we once broke up due to our differences. However, i was kinda adamant about getting back together again, it was just this really odd feeling that kept resounding in my mind about how this is the man and i shouldn't let it go (i'm usually the kind of girl that moves on after a failed relationship, didn't really believe in second trys).

    And now we are both married and in a very happy place, the differences are still there but we are both really comfortable with each other.

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  24. Anonymous4:09 pm

    incredibly yes, i knew my husband was the one the moment i saw him. i didn't even speak to him and immediately thought to myself, this is the one.
    and we've together almost 6 years and married for 2.
    so i guess, sometimes it happens.

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  25. At 22, I'm still in my first relationship. I've been together with my Mr. Wonderful for almost 3 years now.

    I never really dated when I was a teenager. At 16, I knew I wanted a meaningful long relationship and was very picky. I just had this instinct that screams at me to run in the opposite direction if he's not right.

    At 19, I met my Mr Wonderful. My inner warning signal did not event make a squeak. He had been in relationships before and just got out a bad one when we met.

    He knew instantly, he wanted to marry and took things slow, worried cos he just got out of a relationship.

    The slowness of it was torturous, I ended up asking him if he wants to be together!

    Heh. I guess, trust your instincts?

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  26. Anonymous7:26 pm

    Yes! From the very first day. We have been emailing back and forth every few months or so for years and finally met one day for coffee. It wasn't even a date but we ended up hooking up and we made it official to our friends by the 7th day. He proposed within the first month and we were married by the 3rd month together. No its not a shotgun, both of us are not into kids. We can get married with 3mths cos both of us are not into the whole wedding dinner circus either. We had a private ceremony as we felt marriage is truly btw 2 ppl.

    All our friends were horrified. I have always had this stand that marriage or r/s is for crazy romantics, which Im not. They thot I had gone mad but I have never met anyone I felt like spending my life with before this.

    Well, fast forward 2.5 yrs later, we are still happy as ever. It's not that we don't have our quarrels but we can still truly see that we will be each others' halves till death do us part.

    Magic do exist. Keep hoping HJ. I dated loads before I bumped into this one. Ignore the detractors!

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  27. I met my wife when I was 16 and she was 18. We both had the same feeling: that we would be married. For me it was her eyes, her personality was so clearly visible. We were married three years later and our 14th anniversary is coming up this year.

    Who says love at first site doesn't exist?

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  28. Anonymous6:17 am

    First off, my SO and I are not married, yet. Not even a question yet. But. We both know that we will grow old together. It's kind of a strange story really, a surprise (a happy one!)

    I was with my ex for 2 1/2 years, but about six months before we ended, I discovered his pornography addiction that literally took up most of his existence. It put a rift in us that never healed, as much as I'd tried to help it. He was my everything and he was my best friend. But his pornography addiction destroyed me, my self esteem, and he didn't even try to get help to stop. I left him the day I found porn that he promised he'd trashed months before. I almost went back to him too a week later.

    But about a month after leaving, I was a wreck. I was lonely and simply wanted friends. I joined a site for locals in my town, and my current bf messaged me out of the blue. I figured we may become friends and invited him over for coffee. At that time I was staying with my mother (while I looked for an apt), and she was to be out of town that day. Well, they came home early in a rage because of a car accident, and I awkwardly shoo'd him out while my mother had a fit. I never thought he'd talk to me again.

    We started talking every day over text, and he started training me for weight lifting. It wasn't until a few days of hanging out he asked me over for a few beers and a movie. It was so innocent, that first kiss. But it's what sealed my fate with him.

    What made me think "he's the one" was the night I tried to get frisky with him, about two weeks after the kiss.. And he stopped me. Stating that he wanted me to know without a doubt that I meant more than flesh. This was before I opened up about my exs addiction. I knew then that I could trust this man with everything I am, when I had told myself to never give that trust again..

    We've been together 5 months now, and everyone knows we're going to marry. His family loves me, already they're asking about grandchildren. We adopted a dog instead. Haha.

    I told him he better ask soon or I'll beat him to the punch!

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  29. Anonymous7:30 am

    I feel like I've recently had that "I just know" feeling, and I am not even dating the guy, and not sure if he feels the same! We met & chatted briefly several years ago when he worked at the grocery store in my neighborhood. We both moved to different parts of town, and several years later he saw me at the gym and recognized me, said hi, and gave me his phone number. I had just gotten back together with an ex-boyfriend the month before, so I texted him that unfortunately I wouldn't be calling, as I had just gotten into a relationship. He texted me back that he'd been really hoping I'd call, but wished us the best of luck. 9 months later when my boyfriend & I broke up, I texted him out of the blue and asked if he still wanted to go out, and he said YES! We went out and clicked so well, the date lasted 5 hours. He said it went better than he ever expected! After a couple more dates, he told me he had to put on the brakes, because he was afraid of falling in love, he had to get some things in his life in order, first. We still talk casually, but I know he really likes me, and it feels like we fell a little bit in love the first few weeks. I feel like when he's ready, he'll let me know, and then we'll be together. We'll see if I'm right! (As people have said, you don't hear these stories too often where people feel they've met 'the one' and then it doesn't work out!)

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