Monday, December 14, 2009

Everyone's Getting Married But Me

I don't want to seem bitter about it, but everyone seems to be getting married or engaged or having babies... but me!

Best friend Farizan got married this year, old friend Sarah got married this month, Joanne had a baby boy last month, my cousin had another baby a few months ago, even Xiaxue got her wedding proposal from Mike a few days ago.

Me??? For the last 10 years of my dating life, I've had so many failed relationships, I honestly don't know whether to laugh or cry!

Plus, I'm worried now. I'm at a pivotal point in my relationship with Mark. I don't want to screw things up, I don't want to make the wrong decision.

When Mark and I got back together (that's about a month ago), we decided that the relationship has come to a point where we have to consider if we want to settle down with each other. And if we decide that we're not going to get married, we should just move on and stop wasting each other's time. We have not come to a conclusion yet.

This past month has been (and still is) an emotional roller coaster for both Mark and myself. It seems like very little thing is being mega-magnified and projected into the future. This makes everything so stressful.

You know all this is very alien to me. I even hate it. You see, I grew up ... like any other girl... with the dream of a romantic proposal, the ring, the shocked face, the tears of joy... the memory of a lifetime...the works!

I certainly didn't think it would be a topic of grave discussion and careful deliberation... like two people scrutinising a business contract. But this is what it feels like now.

Now don't get me wrong... yes I do think that marriage should not be taken lightly, and yes it's important to think things through... but how do I know if it's pessimism or fear that's making me feel we should not marry? Or how do I know if it's foolish optimism that's making me feel we should marry?

Where do we go from here? How will any of us really know the correct answer? Do we just keep at it until we wear ourselves down? Or is there a mathematical formula to figure out this equation in life?

Nothing and nobody ever prepared me for the reality of this stage in my life.

29 comments:

  1. Fret not dear Holly for everything happens at its opportune time. Call it fate, destiny or whatever, many things have been decided upon by a higher power and have been set in order. Whatever is supposed to happen will happen at the right time. That being said, it indeed isn't the best feeling to appear the "only one" who is still not hitched. And really many in that situation will always find it a tad unfair. Have faith and patience is all the advice that one can give. We do what we can and let nature or God do the rest. It may not seem to help much, but emotionally and psychologically, it keeps the level of worry and unhappiness down to a manageable level. :)

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  2. Anonymous3:52 am

    i'm still not married yet, hey?!!! and neither am i asleep yet. --nn

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  3. Dear Holly,
    It makes me feel sad reading this post. All I can say is that things happen for a reason. One day, when you're married with the love of your life, you'll look back at your failed relationships and be thankful that they failed. Don't worry, you are gorgeous and smart; a perfect catch. It's just a matter of time. *Hugs*

    Yas

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  4. I hadn't wanted to be a wet blanket when you got back together with Mark and all that, and I can't profess to say I am completely aware of what goes on in your relationship, but I was in a similar situation a few years ago, and there always doubts about the relationship. We both wanted to settle down but it just didn't feel right.

    In the end, we struggled for another year, then broke up. Now I'm married with someone else, and the decision was completely easy!! I think, it's a clear choice when it's with the right person. That's all.

    Other than that, I feel that you shouldn't feel pressured to live your live based on another's time frame. Do what's best and comfortable for you. Sr3w social conventions! ;)

    Take care and all the best!

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  5. Anonymous7:38 am

    Holly, what exactly is the reason for your break up w Mark in the first place? I think we can offer better insights if we know the actual reason but of cos its understood it might be too personal to share.

    I do feel sad reading this post. I think you do want to settle down. Hard for me to understand. Im in my late 20s and still refuse to think abt marriage and to me, it's not essential in life.

    There are billions of men in the world. How cld one possibly filter the best for one's self in a matter of years??? Marriage is unneccessary and truly a waste of one's time and emotions. My take on it anyways.

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  6. Holly,

    I do understand that its every women's dream to find their true love and get married and have kids etc..

    Its the stages where one will go through. Its just a matter of TIME.
    Early or late.

    Do not worry that you have failed relationships. People out there may be worse than you!

    You are a matured lady, i believe you truely wants to find the true love whom really dotes on you rather than hurriedly getting married and what if yrs later the relationship doesnt turns up well??

    Ask yourself that, wouldnt it be worse..I know age is chasing you to get married but always have this on your mind..
    While still single but not avaliable, you still have some freedom!!!

    Thats impt! Cheer up Holly!
    Girls Day out this weekend!!

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  7. Anonymous10:18 am

    hi holly!
    i agree with jess on "it's a clear choice when it's with the right person."

    just take your time :) your readers will always have a listening ear for you.

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  8. Anonymous10:37 am

    Did you ever stop to think that your desire to marry soon is the problem? you started dating him, moved in and said within a year you would be married. think on

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  9. Anonymous12:05 pm

    agree with anon 10.37.. HJ seems to never stop thinking about marriage.

    Offputting.

    why did mark change his mind and get back together? and HJ, do you think you've changed enough to become less suffocating?? doesn't sound like you have!!!!!!!!

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  10. xiaxue got a proposal from Mike? It is totally not on her blog! you had insider info!

    anyway, when you are ready to settle down, it WILL feel right. Everything is beautiful in God's time, and your will come.

    I'm 22, my best friend is 22 and she is getting married next year. Talk about timing: it comes unexpectedly (early or late).

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  11. Holly Jean never be in a rush...
    dun be pressurized to rush into marriage coz of others, yr friends r doing it etc, u want kids etc etc...
    coz it might be worse than what u think!!! Treasure yr freedom now, be who u are and enjoy life...If u find yr true soulmate u will know for sure...And keep blogging!!

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  12. Joanna1:25 pm

    Hi Holly, having been married for 4.5 years I can honestly tell you that marriage doesn't mean you can sit by and do nothing.

    Marriage demands alot of work, understanding and most important of all... commitment to each other in order for you to enjoy a lasting relationship.

    I don't know why Mark and you have got back together. If I were you and can't foresee growing old and having grandkids with him, I'd call it quits: no need to waste time.

    P/S: If you want kids, better get married and pregnant before you are 35.

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  13. Anonymous4:51 pm

    Whenever i hear anyone/friends/relatives/cousins getting engaged/married/having babies...etc it got me pondered...what am i doing right now?I'm still single btw and I'm 30this year.Had failed relationships for the past 10 years ago.

    It's almost every women's dreams to get married and spend the rest of their life with their loved ones and start another phase with them.

    My school mates,bro,cousins are all married except me! I used to think am i a loser because everyone is married except me? Or is there something wrong with me ,that's why i still single at the age of 30?

    But now, i had stopped thinking why am i not married? Recently someone ask me, don't you want to settle down?You are not really young anymore, i answered him back, "do you really think getting married is a happy ending and it stopped there?" Do you really think getting married, you will be more happy than what you are now? "

    He can't answer me back. LOL.

    Everyone's getting married doesn't mean i had to follow the trend or to be married so that i am on the same level with them or to be married just to stop people from asking me why am i not married...etc

    I want to get married with the right person with the right time when i am ready. I will not allow my age, my peers or the society to affect when i wanna to settle down. Period!

    And getting married is a long time commitment and require many hardworks to maintain a healthy marriage. Life is complicated and full of temptations, getting married is just a status or rather certificate to prove to the society that you are married.

    I don't mind being together with a person i love without getting a marriage certificate, i will not spend thousands of money to hold any wedding dinner-to me, it's a waste of $$, i would say, i would rather go travelling with that $$. You can still love the person even without the marriage certificate. The certificate is only useful when under laws when either one of you commit adultery or when dealing with divorce,that's when the wife get to have the half of your fortune.HAHA!

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  14. HI everyone.. thanks for all ur comments so far.

    I don't think we're rushing into it ( if we were we wld have gotten married like 8 months ago but we felt it was too soon then)... I am not sure abt the supposition that If he's the right one, then the choice will be clear.

    Cos we BOTH were keen to get married like 8 months ago... but just felt tht we shld wait until 1 year into the relationship.

    So I don't know if it wld have worked out well if we did get hitched 8 months ago when we felt strongly abt it. Maybe it wld have, I dunnoe.

    But where we are right now... we're not entirely sure. Of course we have our disagreements ( like most other couples)... but these differences seem MAGNIFIED now, because everytime we disagree on something.. we think.. OMG I'LL HAVE TO FACE THIS FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE IF WE GET MARRIED.

    But realistically, you cannot expect things to be smooth sailing, and for someone to make you happy 100% of the time ... right?

    And we do love each other... we just want to make sure the decision we make isn't going to end in misery :(

    ANd it's stressful and scary cos if we break up or settle down, we might be making the wrong decision. But we are at a point tht we feel it's time to make a decision. We can't stay at this stage.

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  15. Anonymous6:39 pm

    Oh my, from what I read, you guys are not meant for one another. Dont waste each other's time anymore, not worth waiting

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  16. Anonymous6:49 pm

    What the hell did u read tht told you that???

    Let HJ make her own choices la. She's clearly not asking you what should she do. She is just telling us how she feels.

    We can listen and comment.. but who are you to tell her to break up with him?? 8-!

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  17. Hi holly,

    a relationship that works doesn't see how well a couple is doing, but how they deal with disagreements and differences.

    Yes, not every relationship is gonna be a smooth sailing, you do not depend your happiness on your partner.

    You must identify the disagreement and difference, in which are solvable and which are just can't be solved e.g. his family is petty.(just example)

    for those you think that is solvable may not appear to your partner that is solvable. so, you guys have to talk, communicate. Find waysto come to a compromise.

    when we say what we are looking for in a life long partner, beside he has to be hot, rich.. we forgot we want a partner who hold strong values. Someone who doesn't give up easily when onstacles met, or is it you who gave up easy?

    None of you is gonna head to the exist sign, but instead keep fighting for the love you two share.

    I do not encourage you to bottle up your feelings, because even if you got hitch, you will feel resentment in few years time and get a divource. Well, the guy got to pay his cost for doing whatever he wants.

    You can read online about some research about couples effectively dealing with disagreement and differences.

    I hope you and mark work out, because I think you two looks good together.

    Hope to hear good news from you..

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  18. hi jean,

    it will be better to be safe than to be sorry in the future. marriage is all about compromising each other for all their good and bad. you will never find a prefect guy in the world (coz it nv exist). it will be better to find someone who love you more than u love him so that your life in the future will be better.
    maybe you can ask yourself these few questions. it may help you decide whether he is the real one for you.
    1) can you accept his bad habits for 5years or 10 years down the road??
    2) are you 2 moving in the same direction in life and relationship??
    3) have you ever think of the future with him, like having kids and going out as a family??

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  19. Anonymous10:55 pm

    Holly,

    Being married - I do agree with lots of others that have aired their view on your post, marriage takes a lot of work. Despite the effort that both parties need to put into making a marriage work, I must say... at most part, it feels natural and not to sound overly predictable, it actually feels 'right'.

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  20. Anonymous2:32 am

    hi holly,

    i have been reading your blog for some time now and i kind of understand what you're going through. from breaking up with mark, to dating other guys, and getting back together with him. and i kind of understand how you feel when everyone around you is going through another phase -getting married, having children, setting up their families and so on.
    and this only makes you feel like keeping up with everyone especially since you grew up with an ideal scenario for marriage, proposal and so on. (i mean, if you grew up detesting getting married, the changes around you wouldnt have mattered to you)

    i just wanted to say that you're just 29! you're still young! i think your relationship is only getting tensed and stressed up because you're putting a date to everything.. like 'i'm getting married in a year', 'i've to figure out if we're right for each other in a couple of months'.. i think its very hard to be in a relationship if you think of everything in terms of date and time.

    personally i find it best if you can just forget about age, time, people around you and just enjoy every moment you have with mark. perhaps without all those stress, you'd find more comfort and love in the relationship and learn to be more forgiving towards each other. i find it so weird that you guys are projecting things into the future. you never know what happens tmr or in the future, so why bother upsetting urselves with such stuff?
    just know that if you love the other party enough, you would have the heart to accept each other, for the good and the bad.

    cheer up and hope you feel better!

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  21. Anonymous11:32 am

    Hi Holly,

    I do share your sentiments. I am 34 this year and I am not married. My ex-boyfriend of 2 years proposed to me in 2007, (we were dating from 2005 to 2007).

    But he fell for a China girl, (some KTV hostess) and he decided he prefers her to me. Thus he broke off the engagement. Imagine my disappointment when that happened cos he was like a part of my family already. He was the one who arranged the lunch menu for our engagement party, arranged the lunch for both set of our families to meet and discuss the dowry and everything but he still decided to break off the engagement in the end.

    Moreover, when my dad was still around, he carried my dad on his back down the stairs when my dad had to be admitted to the hospital immediately. Even my mum was touched by his gesture. And he was around to help entertain the guests at my dad's wake.

    So can you imagine how shattered I was when he wanted to break off the engagement? He even gave me the ring already.

    Thus, I have to agree with one of your readers, "everything happens at its opportune time".

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  22. Anonymous11:54 am

    Holly,


    What in the first place prompted the end of the relationship before getting back?

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  23. Anonymous9:19 pm

    I think that you are focusing too much on your differences..why not focus on the similarties, chemistry and passion that brought the two of you together? love shouldn't be THAT hard right?

    kurt

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  24. Anonymous9:49 pm

    All questions should be redirected to Santa Claus at this time of year ;)
    Merry Christmas Holster :)

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  25. Sophie1:28 am

    Hey holly, I do think that many couples face this problem too. Been with my bf for over 5 years now and everytime we have a run in with each other, the thought of "goodness! THIS same thing for the rest of my life?" goes through my mind.

    But at the end of the day, I come to realise that these quirks are what makes HIM, him. And I have too many flaws as well. If we both agree to disagree every now and then, it seems a little easier.

    So naturally, when he popped the question, as much as I hate some of the things he does, I was (and am still) more than willing to grow old with him.

    let time decide HJ. give yourselves enough time to fight, make up, find a rhythm and then decide if you can do without him. 1 yr plus is really too soon to say anything.

    Just remember, everything that is meant to happen, will happen, in His time. So instead of fretting, just take things as they come k?

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  26. Anonymous7:53 pm

    y do i have this feeling that even if u do get married with this angmoh mark/mike, u r gonna end up in a divorce?

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  27. Maybe u are going to have a nice Xmas surprise if he pops the question? *spoiler* ha haz.....life is fulla surprises, babez

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  28. Tara!! eeeks! I know you mean well... but you shouldn't say things like tht babe.

    U know 3 months ago, when Mark and I split up ( like a couple weeks before MY BIRTHDAY), my best friend F... actually said tht- maybe all this was his plan, and he's actually planning to surprise and propose to you on your birthday!

    OMG! Thank goodness I was realistic enough not to listen to her.. otherwise it wld have f*#ked my brain up a bit.. because I was so distraught then.

    so no... i know tht we still have to spend a bit more time with each other before we deide if this is right. and i'm pretty sure, the way this is going, if we do decide to get married.. it's not going to be a Surprise proposal :( but more like an agreement? Sure, if we decide to get married, I'll be happy.. but I just have to accept, tht it isn't going to be a romantic surprise type proposal.. but somethin more akin to the unromantic Singaporean way of getting hitched - "let's apply for HDB"

    haha.... :(

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  29. Anonymous10:20 pm

    Holly, I admire the fact that you're thinking so much about whether to settle down or not. This only goes to show that you feel that marriage is something sacred and you're taking it seriously. There are people out there who get married only because they have reached a marriageable age and they just happen to be with that someone. Or the focus could be to want to be a young bride to look good in photos. Trust me, there ARE people who think like that and things may or may not work out I can't judge. I'm 26 this year and have been with my bf for 5 years, going on 6. I'm someone who cherishes the freedom to do what I want without having to think of married life or having children. Due to an issue, I'm now reconsidering being with him. Actually issues have been accumulating and although we sort of got over them, I feel that some problems just don't DISAPPEAR. I know it'll be heart- wrenching for me to give up a r/s that I have spent so much time on but if I cannot foresee myself being with him for the rest of my life, it might be easier to undergo this pain than to regret in the future or to continue to waste time.

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