Wednesday, March 13, 2019

Finding Each Other in the Midst of Chaos

To my dearest Husband,

This month will be our 1st wedding anniversary.

I miss the long talks over candle lit drinks on the smaller balcony upstairs with you late into the night. I miss cuddling and then sleeping in. I miss being able to just up and go to Batam at any given weekend for fishing, seafood, drinks with a live band, and then coming back to the hotel room and still have energy to order room service desserts and a long chat and then some.
I long to experience road trips with you, and travel the world, see New York as you've lived it, to just indulge in us, in you, and giddy romance. 

Instead, we find ourselves in a daily (and nightly) juggling act raising a toddler and an infant. Worrying if each sniffle will turn into the flu. We sleep in separate rooms when the older one is ill so you can sponge her and look after her in the middle of the night, while I take care of the baby in the other room. And this year has been so bad, with Myla starting Nursery and being exposed to so many viruses, she's been sick almost every week.

Instead of the lingering kisses we used to have, I find myself pulling away to do something more practical or urgent (the house chores are never ending and our baby cannot wait 2 seconds for anything). Instead of whispering sweet nothings in your ear, I tell you to help me wash the baby bottles. I try not to do this often, only when necessary... but that’s pretty often enough :/    Thank you for being understanding.
I do still make it a point to tell you how handsome you look (and this is genuine, not paying lip service), make chicken pie (and now Baklava too since you liked it the first time I made it last week), prepare your honey lemon drinks, order little sexy outfits online for whenever we have couple time... small stuff like that which is specially for you. But there's so much more I want to be doing for you, but can't just yet. I look forward to being able to do more with you once things get a bit easier with our little ones. It will come, gradually and even before we know it.
I want to have your next child, but this would drive us further away from sanity so it's an outright NO from me (lol). Our little family makes me the happiest I've ever been but it is also very demanding and exhausting.
Thank you for being such a capable and good provider for this family, we never have to worry about the finances and you take care of us so well. I'm grateful that you're a very present and involved daddy to both our precious children.
Thank you for letting me be a stay at home mum to our kids. I appreciate being able to be here for them at every waking (and sleeping) minute instead of paying someone else to. There are really bad days where I regret this haha and I know sometimes you feel like ARGH why are we going through such hard work when you can well afford to pay for a nanny or helper or the best childcare centres. Trust me,we got this babe.
But my darling, they will only be this age for a fleeting period of their lives (even though time may seem to crawl by right now).
I look back at Myla's picture at our wedding just a year ago and am amazed at how much she's changed. I feel like we were very recently at Mt Alvernia being overwhelmed with MJ's exasperatingly loud entrance into this world, and yet he's already 8 months old and we've come so far with learning to manage him and his high needs.
Time is relative. We've come so much further and experienced so much more than time could dictate. We are a hundred thousand miles from 8 months ago, and a million miles from a year ago.
No matter how tough our day to day lives may be, don’t forget to look for me in the midst of the chaos. We will always find each other. Happy anniversary my love.

Love,
Your wife... whose heart aches for you.

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