Friday, June 16, 2017

Letters to Myla Rae - Love is blinding

Open when- You think you've found the one
If I'm still alive, ask me to explain this pic to you.

Dearest Myla Rae.

So you're in love. You're tired of keeping your options open. Everyone else around you seem to be settling down and moving on to the next stage in life.

Before you commit to him, and decide that he really is THE ONE. I want you to know the reality of love, it is very very blinding... but only temporarily. It would pain me to watch you realize months (or years!) down the road that actually (when the blinkers come off) you made a mistake.

The thing is, we never really know, how much of our love for someone is due to that temporary blindness, our stubbornness, our desire not to let yet another relationship fail.

No matter how hard you try, the odds of happiness will never be in your favour if you choose to commit to a man who displays any of these traits.

Aggression
If you're anything like me, you will be drawn to the alphas. I think this was why I was always attracted to older men (but younger men can be alphas too). Being an alpha male is great, in fact it's very attractive in a man. He is driven, intelligent, powerful and a good leader. Be with an alpha male, only if you rank high in his pack... he will fight for you fiercely, he will protect you.

But never mistake a partner who is aggressive towards you for an alpha. If he hits you, that's a definite strike out. GET RID OF HIM.

But also be wary of the passive aggressive man. He will take out his frustrations out on you. And he makes no apologies because he is never at fault, it's always due to something that happened at work, the slow traffic on the way home or maybe because someone shoved past him on the crowded MRT. But you will pay the price for it.

My girl, please do not end up with an angry spouse who will only give you a minimal level of love and caring. If you're smart, you will figure out what his trigger situations are and be able to avoid those (not successful all the time though), but it's not enjoyable living your life in a perpetually 'braced' position.

His interests only
It is human nature to be self centered... to a reasonable extent. But watch out if every movie you watch, every restaurant you eat at, every weekend activity is catered solely to what he likes/wants. You voiced your opinions, mentioned your preferences, but if it's not something he wants to do/eat/see/etc, then too bad, it will not be an option... ever.

He might be this way because of low emotional intelligence ... or he might actually be aware that he's being intentionally selfish and manipulative. Marry this man and you will end up with an unsupportive and unsympathetic husband. He will not be there for you during tough times.

Uses the Divorce word easily
When you're still dating, each time there is a small problem or disagreement he says he wants to break up (even though he doesn't mean it). Fast forward to being married...this will not change. He uses the Divorce word just as easily, often threatening to pack his bags and leave.. or worse still asking you to get the fuck out of his life.

And then the next morning, act as if nothing happened... expects you to carry on as normal and be loving towards him. He probably only said it to alarm you, get a reaction out of you, maybe he is immature like that.... or maybe he really meant it and then chickened out the next day. You will never know. And that shit will eventually take a toll on you.

So yeah, if he's always issuing ultimatums to you (or at work or to his friends/family)... take it as a warning sign of extreme immaturity.

He has debts
It's different if he has a home loan, or if he has a student loan (from university fees) to pay off. But if he's racked up a huge debt from either from gambling or spending beyond his means... then he has poor impulse control!

You know what other problems can come from poor impulse control? Drinking, having affairs... the list goes on.

So if he has a gambling debt, drinking debt, credit card debt... do not take your relationship any further, it's a big sign of poor impulse control. Similarly my dear, I hope you do not become one of those with poor impulse control and end up with like a Prada debt. I would turn in my grave!

I'm not sure how far along you are in your relationship but if you see that he has any of these traits, please find a way out. I want to say it's never too late to leave a man who is wrong for you... but I'm pretty sure when you're in deep, it may feel like there's no longer a way out so you just have to cope with it. I'll tell you what your grandma (G'ma) always told me when I was growing up and navigating the world of dating- Decide what you want, then just bulldoze your way through.

I hope you choose wisely,
Mummy.
xxxxx

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