Thursday, October 22, 2015

How the Dates Seems to Match Up

For the past few weeks, I've been waking at 3plus am and I don't get back to sleep until 6am (I know the exact time because that's when David gets up to get ready for work... the last thing I will remember, is his alarm going off. And then *poof* I'm in a deep sleep and will vaguely remember him kissing my belly, and tucking Lola in under the covers before he leaves for work).

It doesn't bother me, being wide awake at 3-6am. I don't feel frustrated or what. I haven't even got a maternity pillow (Was told it was vital for a decent night's rest with pregnant belly, and I was going to get one... because sleeping on my side got really uncomfortable in the middle of the second trimester... ugh.... but suddenly, after a couple of bad weeks, I got the hang of sleeping on my side. And it doesn't bother me anymore. I sleep well). Not sure why I wake up and stay awake 3-6 though... been happening for maybe the past 5 weeks, consistently.
And Lola got a new habit too now, around the time when I'm lying awake, she will get off the bed and start tapping on the door. I have to let her out so she can go pee. I open the door and watch her little leggies pitter patter away in a hurry. I hear her on the pee tray at the back of the kitchen where the utility/laundry area is (I can hear when she steps on the plastic tray). Then I hear her little leggies on the tiles again, hurrying back to the room. I wait at the door, and shut it behind her. It's VERY cute to see her rushing back to the room, cos I know she's doing her best to hurry up.

Last night though, before I woke up, I had an odd dream. I was reliving the whole day when I found out about my ectopic pregnancy last December and had to terminate it. It was kind of blow by blow and so exact.
Then when I lay awake, I had a quick cry about it. I never really had major cries or grief when I went through it. Was just sad and worried for the most part. Plus I don't think people understood what it was really like, because I went through it mostly on my own. Yes, there were concerned questions and updates asked for along this journey. But every doctor's visit, and every heartbreaking news, I was there to face it alone. So I had to just push aside a lot of my sadness because I felt that to other people, it was unnecessary and I felt like I was coming across to them as full of shit, and being melodramatic.

I would update David after each visit, via SMS. But even with that, I would share the bare minimum, because I didn't want to make him sad while he still had to be at work. And then I quickly kicked into a 'moving on' mode. I was looking forward to trying to get pregnant again. I was focused on achieving this current pregnancy.

(You can read my ectopic blog post- here.)

While I lay awake, I started thinking about the dates, and this baby will arrive around the same time that ectopic pregnancy was terminated. Well, New Year's or New Years eve thereabouts. Maybe it's just coincidence.

While I am sad to think back to that dark time, I know we are very very blessed to have this little miracle... who happily kicks away in my belly the whole night.

To anyone who has gone through a miscarriage or ectopic, try again. As soon as you can. Even if it scares you. The fear of loss never goes away. It never will.

Even when you're pregnant again, you will never enjoy a pregnancy in a carefree way... you know, the way someone who has never experienced how badly things can go tits up. That ignorance is bliss... but you're in a whole different club now. It is what it is. Don't let fear stop you, because that fear will never leave you no matter how long you wait.

4 comments:

  1. Anonymous5:31 am

    Hi Holly
    Here is a big virtual hug.
    I understand how you feel. My baby was born exactly one year after losing the first one.
    U will not have a fully carefree pregnancy again and perhaps the memories will haunt you occasionally (though it gets less with more time!).
    But, you will definitely treasure your girl a lot, and every day brings you unparalleled love and pleasure when you see the miracle that she is. Because you truly understand what it means when you say that she is a miracle and a gift.
    All the best for your delivery.

    Jasmine Tan

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for your encouraging words. :)

      Delete
  2. Hi Holly,

    I had a miscarriage 5 months back, and we've been trying very hard since. It hasn't been an easy journey and I know that the fear will still be there, but we can only keep our fingers crossed for now. Thanks for your post, for sharing what you've been through and reminding people that good things will come our way.

    All the best Holly.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm sorry for your loss Miss Khoo.

      And yes, keep trying. Be strong and don't give up.

      Delete