I've been married less than 3 months.
But everyone has already started asking me - "When are you having a baby?"
Damn it! Before I got married, it was always- When are you getting married? When are you getting married? When are you getting married?
I got married. And now, this!
My husband and I do want a kid. And yes, we are aware that I am 32 already, and that it gets difficult and more risky to have a baby after the age of 35. We're not going to put it off for too long. But we do want to enjoy being newlyweds, eat drink and travel with just "us"... before we start a family.
I don't understand how some people don't have any family planning at all. No stability, no money, no time, nevermind... birth control? Huh, what's that? Eh, lend me $50 can? I need to buy diapers for my baby. I just leave my toddler in daycare for 10 hours a day, I love motherhood it's precious!
We doing things the way we want, at the pace we think is best. Give us a year before you start badgering us with questions on baby making. I say 'us' but it's really just me... because I don't see people asking David much about having babies. Men aren't asked this question incessantly. It's always the women who bear the brunt of these (seemingly concerned but very) judgmental questions.
---------------
Here are some of the occasions where this has cropped up. (Bear in mind we've only been married for 10 weeks)
A few weeks ago, after having drinks at the Mariott, David and I went to Pigsfly to meet some friends for more drinks. I had enough of alcohol, so I ordered a Coke. Now, even before I got married, I would often order a coke at the bar, it's nothing out of the ordinary. Our female friend at the table, suddenly reaches over and grabs my arm and gasps "Any NEWS?????"
And I was boggled, what news?
Then she points to her tummy and makes a rubbing motion with her hand.
Annoyance level: Just smile it off.
------
Some stranger off Facebook (I don't even remember who) messages me to say congrats on the wedding, and is a baby on the way? I say, no, we're not planning to have a baby yet. And then he says - Come on! Do your part for Singapore's population!
Excuse me, you brainwashed monkey of the PAP regiment, but if I do have a baby now ... making a genetic contribution to Singapore would not be one of the reasons for it. And if I don't, humankind will not end because I am not giving birth right away.
Annoyance level: Moderate eye rolling.
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I think new mothers or expectant mothers are the worst culprits of making childless women feel like shit.
Someone I know who just found out she was pregnant (after a couple YEARS of actively trying, mind you)... she was gloating about the good news, I gave her a little cheer (hoo-fucking-rah)... then she said- DON'T WORRY, it'll be your turn for good news next month.
Eh???
BITCH DO YOU KNOW HOW CONDESCENDING YOU SOUND?
If I were really pregnant next month, in all honesty, I think you'll curse me.
Firstly, we're using condoms and you know we're not trying for a baby. Secondly, you of all people should know how it feels to want a baby and not have one, and see other women falling pregnant while you kept trying for 2 years. So why would you say things like that? If I were trying for a baby, it would suck to have someone patronise me like that.
Annoyance level: Mandatory friendly smile to conceal pissed-off-ness.
-------------
I have many friends who are happy childless married couples... but it seems that if you don't have any kids after some years of being married, people think it's definitely not by choice.
When older women do not have any children, the gossip is about them being barren or focusing too much on work and missing the boat.
When people find out they don't have kids, they've been told Have you thought of adoption? or I know a really good fertility doctor I could recommend you.
Annoyance level: My friends say they want to punch those people in the mouth. I say, they should have! :)
But everyone has already started asking me - "When are you having a baby?"
Damn it! Before I got married, it was always- When are you getting married? When are you getting married? When are you getting married?
I got married. And now, this!
I don't understand how some people don't have any family planning at all. No stability, no money, no time, nevermind... birth control? Huh, what's that? Eh, lend me $50 can? I need to buy diapers for my baby. I just leave my toddler in daycare for 10 hours a day, I love motherhood it's precious!
We doing things the way we want, at the pace we think is best. Give us a year before you start badgering us with questions on baby making. I say 'us' but it's really just me... because I don't see people asking David much about having babies. Men aren't asked this question incessantly. It's always the women who bear the brunt of these (seemingly concerned but very) judgmental questions.
---------------
Here are some of the occasions where this has cropped up. (Bear in mind we've only been married for 10 weeks)
A few weeks ago, after having drinks at the Mariott, David and I went to Pigsfly to meet some friends for more drinks. I had enough of alcohol, so I ordered a Coke. Now, even before I got married, I would often order a coke at the bar, it's nothing out of the ordinary. Our female friend at the table, suddenly reaches over and grabs my arm and gasps "Any NEWS?????"
And I was boggled, what news?
Then she points to her tummy and makes a rubbing motion with her hand.
Annoyance level: Just smile it off.
------
Some stranger off Facebook (I don't even remember who) messages me to say congrats on the wedding, and is a baby on the way? I say, no, we're not planning to have a baby yet. And then he says - Come on! Do your part for Singapore's population!
Excuse me, you brainwashed monkey of the PAP regiment, but if I do have a baby now ... making a genetic contribution to Singapore would not be one of the reasons for it. And if I don't, humankind will not end because I am not giving birth right away.
Annoyance level: Moderate eye rolling.
--------
I think new mothers or expectant mothers are the worst culprits of making childless women feel like shit.
Someone I know who just found out she was pregnant (after a couple YEARS of actively trying, mind you)... she was gloating about the good news, I gave her a little cheer (hoo-fucking-rah)... then she said- DON'T WORRY, it'll be your turn for good news next month.
Eh???
BITCH DO YOU KNOW HOW CONDESCENDING YOU SOUND?
If I were really pregnant next month, in all honesty, I think you'll curse me.
Firstly, we're using condoms and you know we're not trying for a baby. Secondly, you of all people should know how it feels to want a baby and not have one, and see other women falling pregnant while you kept trying for 2 years. So why would you say things like that? If I were trying for a baby, it would suck to have someone patronise me like that.
Annoyance level: Mandatory friendly smile to conceal pissed-off-ness.
-------------
I have many friends who are happy childless married couples... but it seems that if you don't have any kids after some years of being married, people think it's definitely not by choice.
When older women do not have any children, the gossip is about them being barren or focusing too much on work and missing the boat.
When people find out they don't have kids, they've been told Have you thought of adoption? or I know a really good fertility doctor I could recommend you.
Annoyance level: My friends say they want to punch those people in the mouth. I say, they should have! :)
Comments
Isn't pregnancy, motherhood and parenting a private issue? Wouldn't it be awkward if a pregnant lady who is hiding her pregnancy (for 'pantang' reasons ie. 3 mths) is asked by her friend whose so-called natural instinct is to query her choice of drink? A friend will announce her pregnancy to her friends when she's ready, so there's no need to hog her with qns that would put her in a spot.
Also, the random stranger need not have gone on to advocate the nation's fertility aim. Its nice enough that HJ entertained his/her qn cos she could have just told the latter to mind his/her business since its a highly personal qn.
You may deem us as overly sensitive ppl but who likes being told what to/not to do?? Everyone has pride and the last thing one needs to hear are the words 'i told you so'.
Planning a family is a private matter to be decided solely between the married couple for they know themselves best. :)
We know and are aware of these stuff but we still choose to delay setting up a family cos its our darn choice! Yes we have immediate priorities which do not include having a baby, SO WHAT?!
One man's poison is another man's treasure so YOU take a chill pill.
It's just a rant (or rat even!) about what's been happening lately to me. What facts you want?
Fact: I think you're a moron and possibly a bitter one
Fact: not every blogger is trying to copy xiaxue. Yes I find her entertaining but I wouldn't want to be her or anyone else. I love my life and the way that I am.
Holy, why are you cussing and being so rude???
I think it's you who is un reasonable! Sheesh! In your 3 examples i just see 3 caring nice women who don"t deserve being spoken of like this!
I too think you need a chill pill, and quell that temper. And that cussing.
And come on, planning a family is private to some degree, but it's not top secret stuff where one should be burnt alive for asking! It's not like she was asked "eh, you both have sex regularly or not?" - now, THAT is personal. Asking if a person is pregnant isn't considered very private since you can hardly hide a baby"s bump anyway!
You are right tho - it's your choice to have a baby, and when.
But NOBODY here said otherwise lady!
Pple are just saying Holly was too unreasonable abt the 3 concerned ladies, and over reacted when the ladies seemed to have meant well. Clearly, you didn't understand those comments AT ALL.
So before you tell others to take a chill pill, howsabout learning to read and comprehend better, eh? *Massive eye roll*
It's her space, she did not even name anyone in her post.
Why care so much when it's none of your business? -_-"
Till the 3 rd year i got so fucking piss that I started asking back "how is this personal decision any business of yours? Do u KNOW how rude it is to poke ur nose where its not wanted, my belly is private zone, that's why it's covered in clothes. U can ask me about my shin, my calves, my arms, my pimples but leave my belly private topic."
To some more annoying relatives, I told them to shut it unless they are interested to sponsor any children full fee educational fund. To parents, I told them they have a belly to and they are welcome to it themselves, stop nagging me.
To people who dont understand why its rude, it's simple
1. U add pressure to people who actually are trying and u make them feel like a failure if it doesnt happy soon.
2. People may miscarriage and NOT want to share details with u busy body.
3. SO WHAT if they are preggies, u r happy then what? What is your fucking role and involvement? No? Nothing then shut it. I dont go around asking you how much u earn, and how u run your household, when the fuck is your period and if u are bleeding. So people should just butt out abt baby issues. It belongs to the same sensitivity out of bounds zone.
WHEN a woman is preggie and READY to tell u if she consider you her fren, SHE WILL SAY something. People should just mind their own business and stop thinking its NOT rude. U r being stupid and ignorant.