Wednesday, April 10, 2013

I Only Just Got Married, Give me a Break!

I've been married less than 3 months.

But everyone has already started asking me - "When are you having a baby?"

Damn it! Before I got married, it was always- When are you getting married? When are you getting married? When are you getting married?

I got married. And now, this!
My husband and I do want a kid. And yes, we are aware that I am 32 already, and that it gets difficult and more risky to have a baby after the age of 35. We're not going to put it off for too long. But we do want to enjoy being newlyweds, eat drink and travel with just "us"... before we start a family.

I don't understand how some people don't have any family planning at all. No stability, no money, no time, nevermind... birth control? Huh, what's that?  Eh, lend me $50 can? I need to buy diapers for my baby. I just leave my toddler in daycare for 10 hours a day, I love motherhood it's precious!

We doing things the way we want, at the pace we think is best. Give us a year before you start badgering us with questions on baby making. I say 'us' but it's really just me... because I don't see people asking David much about having babies. Men aren't asked this question incessantly. It's always the women who bear the brunt of these (seemingly concerned but very) judgmental questions.

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Here are some of the occasions where this has cropped up. (Bear in mind we've only been married for 10 weeks)

A few weeks ago, after having drinks at the Mariott, David and I went to Pigsfly to meet some friends for more drinks. I had enough of alcohol, so I ordered a Coke. Now, even before I got married, I would often order a coke at the bar, it's nothing out of the ordinary. Our female friend at the table, suddenly reaches over and grabs my arm and gasps "Any NEWS?????"

And I was boggled, what news?

Then she points to her tummy and makes a rubbing motion with her hand.

Annoyance level: Just smile it off.

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Some stranger off Facebook (I don't even remember who) messages me to say congrats on the wedding, and is a baby on the way? I say, no, we're not planning to have a baby yet. And then he says - Come on! Do your part for Singapore's population!

Excuse me, you brainwashed monkey of the PAP regiment, but if I do have a baby now ... making a genetic contribution to Singapore would not be one of the reasons for it. And if I don't, humankind will not end because I am not giving birth right away.

Annoyance level: Moderate eye rolling.

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I think new mothers or expectant mothers are the worst culprits of making childless women feel like shit.
Someone I know who just found out she was pregnant (after a couple YEARS of actively trying, mind you)... she was gloating about the good news, I gave her a little cheer (hoo-fucking-rah)... then she said- DON'T WORRY, it'll be your turn for good news next month.

Eh???

BITCH DO YOU KNOW HOW CONDESCENDING YOU SOUND?

If I were really pregnant next month, in all honesty, I think you'll curse me.

Firstly, we're using condoms and you know we're not trying for a baby. Secondly, you of all people should know how it feels to want a baby and not have one, and see other women falling pregnant while you kept trying for 2 years. So why would you say things like that? If I were trying for a baby, it would suck to have someone patronise me like that.

Annoyance level: Mandatory friendly smile to conceal pissed-off-ness.

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I have many friends who are happy childless married couples... but it seems that if you don't have any kids after some years of being married, people think it's definitely not by choice.

When older women do not have any children, the gossip is about them being barren or focusing too much on work and missing the boat.

When people find out they don't have kids, they've been told Have you thought of adoption? or I know a really good fertility doctor I could recommend you.

Annoyance level: My friends say they want to punch those people in the mouth. I say, they should have! :)

25 comments:

  1. Anonymous12:42 pm

    I was married 5yrs b4 I had our bb. Now I wished we had had her earlier cos its just so fun! hehe! but tt said, I had to endure all crap like wat u mention above! &&& now my lil one is only 5mths & pple already started asking.... 'eh wen 2nd one'! it never stops really! ;))

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  2. Anonymous1:25 pm

    me too.. people especially friends will like to ask when are you going to have a baby. I feel so shitty as we are only married for 1 yr but the pressure and stress level they giving is not helping us to conceive. I will tell them LET NATURE TAKES ITS COURSE... Hope ppl will stop asking stupid questions like these!!!!

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  3. Anonymous1:57 pm

    I wish i'm a woman then i can get to answer back "oh i'm having a baby but not with my husband" I think that will shut them up for a long while and they'll go spread it so no one will ask this question anymore.

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  4. Anonymous2:04 pm

    Some people REALLY don't mean it. They could just be trying to make conversation. Take a chill pill, babe. And I'd also have the notion that a just-married friend might be pregnant if I don't know her usual drink preference and she's ordering coke while everyone else is having alcohol. It's only a natural instinct. How'd she feel if she read what you said? Also, do you think a random stranger wishing you well on Facebook really, REALLY cares about whether you contribute to Singapore's population!? Again, this person's clearly just trying to make conversation/ trying to sound like a humorous dude. No need for name-calling..."brain-washed monkey" and all. And in your third example, the newly-expectant mom probably didn't mean harm. Sometimes something super good happens to some people and they might (although irrationally) feel bad that the people around them are not having the same good thing, so they try and say something presumably nice at that moment. It's a possibility. So don't be such a small-hearted person. Just because a hundred people asked you the same stuff doesn't mean each one of them asked a hundred times respectively. It's not fair making them sound like such bad people.

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    1. Jessica King8:55 pm

      Exactly!!!!!!!!!

      Holy, why are you cussing and being so rude???

      I think it's you who is un reasonable! Sheesh! In your 3 examples i just see 3 caring nice women who don"t deserve being spoken of like this!

      I too think you need a chill pill, and quell that temper. And that cussing.

      Delete
  5. Anonymous8:51 pm

    I have to agree with the comment above! no need to get angry over such things. It is normal for people to ask and some might just be joking. Why blow it up ?

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  6. Anonymous9:36 pm

    To people it sounds like nothing but maybe she's been bombarded with it so many times and although it's unfair to rage on someone asking it the first time, it can get annoying. I get asked other stuff too which people just go on asking about it and it's very tiring to keep having to repeat it.

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    1. Jessica King8:57 pm

      Annoying or tiring - Still not enough of a reason to cuss at pple on your blog!

      Delete
  7. Anonymous12:37 am

    Tick tock tick tock....whilst I do think you shld chill and take those comments with a pinch of salt, can't help adding that your biological clock does not wait for you. These comments are from folks who mean no malice. This is naturally the next phase after marriage. You have a choice to reply these folks that you'd like enjoying some couple time before settling into parenthood so it's not on the radar for now. The fact you're affected by these comments tells me that you acknowledge the challenges due to age etc but want to remain oblivious in pursuit of your immediate priorities in life.

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  8. Anonymous12:58 am

    While some ppl may think nothing of others' concern/advice, it IS a huge deal when ur on the camp that's practicing family planning.
    Isn't pregnancy, motherhood and parenting a private issue? Wouldn't it be awkward if a pregnant lady who is hiding her pregnancy (for 'pantang' reasons ie. 3 mths) is asked by her friend whose so-called natural instinct is to query her choice of drink? A friend will announce her pregnancy to her friends when she's ready, so there's no need to hog her with qns that would put her in a spot.
    Also, the random stranger need not have gone on to advocate the nation's fertility aim. Its nice enough that HJ entertained his/her qn cos she could have just told the latter to mind his/her business since its a highly personal qn.
    You may deem us as overly sensitive ppl but who likes being told what to/not to do?? Everyone has pride and the last thing one needs to hear are the words 'i told you so'.
    Planning a family is a private matter to be decided solely between the married couple for they know themselves best. :)

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    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
    2. Oh good grief, nobody in the 3 examples were "telling her what to do ot not do"!!!!!!!!

      And come on, planning a family is private to some degree, but it's not top secret stuff where one should be burnt alive for asking! It's not like she was asked "eh, you both have sex regularly or not?" - now, THAT is personal. Asking if a person is pregnant isn't considered very private since you can hardly hide a baby"s bump anyway!

      Delete
  9. Anonymous1:12 am

    Its not that ppl like us have not explained that we'd like to enjoy coupledom a lil longer, its ppl like u guys above who keep imposing your beliefs on us.. 'oh your biological clock is ticking, ur not getting any younger, have kids now when u still have the energy etc etc'.. and that is just annoying.
    We know and are aware of these stuff but we still choose to delay setting up a family cos its our darn choice! Yes we have immediate priorities which do not include having a baby, SO WHAT?!
    One man's poison is another man's treasure so YOU take a chill pill.

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    Replies
    1. Jessica9:24 pm

      Those are FACTS darling, not beliefs. Just cos you refuse to adhere by them doesn't makes them any less real and factual.

      You are right tho - it's your choice to have a baby, and when.

      But NOBODY here said otherwise lady!

      Pple are just saying Holly was too unreasonable abt the 3 concerned ladies, and over reacted when the ladies seemed to have meant well. Clearly, you didn't understand those comments AT ALL.

      So before you tell others to take a chill pill, howsabout learning to read and comprehend better, eh? *Massive eye roll*

      Delete
  10. Anonymous9:41 am

    OMG the above comments are exactly the kind of people she is talking about in the post. You guys are so oblivious hahaha. I would rate you "Annoyance level: Moderate eye rolling."

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    1. Lol. I laughed at ur reply :) I agree with ur rating :)

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  12. Anonymous9:39 pm

    Yes i totally agree.. because there are a lot of fucking asshole big mouth colleagues asking me the same question too.. love ur post!

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  13. Anonymous11:28 am

    I guess lots of them probably don't know that they are being a little nit pushy and annoying. It's like "sharing is caring and you should get a baby asap like I do". I do agree that wanting to have kids or not is the choice of you and your husband, and not "because my mom wants a grandkid" or "because I think I'm running out of time". To have kids and not paying attention/care to them is so bad. I rather that everyone plans and get ready before they have kids, so we will not have trashy generations ahead

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  14. Anonymous11:48 pm

    sometimes i think bloggers try too hard to be like xiaxue, creating "controversial" issues when seriously its nothing to rat about. i don't always agree with xiaxue but at least when she does write a controversial issue, its backed up by facts.

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    1. I never thought of this as a controversial issue O_o

      It's just a rant (or rat even!) about what's been happening lately to me. What facts you want?

      Fact: I think you're a moron and possibly a bitter one

      Fact: not every blogger is trying to copy xiaxue. Yes I find her entertaining but I wouldn't want to be her or anyone else. I love my life and the way that I am.

      Delete
  15. Fiona5:04 am

    Seriously people... can't she rant? Is it illegal to rant or voice out displeasure?

    It's her space, she did not even name anyone in her post.

    Why care so much when it's none of your business? -_-"

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  16. Anonymous1:17 pm

    totally agree with you especially on the new mothers or expectant mothers part. I am 29 dating and probably will only marry in another 2 to 3 years time and I have these friends telling me I am old enough and should just marry and have a baby and sometimes it is frustrating when people are trying to tell me how to lead my life.

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  17. passerby1:48 am

    OH I AM SOOOOO WITH U Here Holly. People esp, people who think they are soooo fucking "well meaning" like to ask "when r u having a baby." Initially, like u, I smiled it off.

    Till the 3 rd year i got so fucking piss that I started asking back "how is this personal decision any business of yours? Do u KNOW how rude it is to poke ur nose where its not wanted, my belly is private zone, that's why it's covered in clothes. U can ask me about my shin, my calves, my arms, my pimples but leave my belly private topic."

    To some more annoying relatives, I told them to shut it unless they are interested to sponsor any children full fee educational fund. To parents, I told them they have a belly to and they are welcome to it themselves, stop nagging me.

    To people who dont understand why its rude, it's simple
    1. U add pressure to people who actually are trying and u make them feel like a failure if it doesnt happy soon.
    2. People may miscarriage and NOT want to share details with u busy body.
    3. SO WHAT if they are preggies, u r happy then what? What is your fucking role and involvement? No? Nothing then shut it. I dont go around asking you how much u earn, and how u run your household, when the fuck is your period and if u are bleeding. So people should just butt out abt baby issues. It belongs to the same sensitivity out of bounds zone.

    WHEN a woman is preggie and READY to tell u if she consider you her fren, SHE WILL SAY something. People should just mind their own business and stop thinking its NOT rude. U r being stupid and ignorant.

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  18. Anonymous7:39 am

    Holly, your post totally hits the point. I too am newly married and keep getting all these baby comments. One aunt even went so far to post on my fb, "Happy Birthday, I hope you have a baby soon". Seriously, wth??? Don't ruin my birthday!

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