Saturday, November 10, 2012

Shit or Get Off the Pot

Photo has no relation to this blog post but I'm just beautifying the page. LOL
Yesterday, a male friend of mine confided in me. You see, he's been dating a girl for around 4 years now, and while they do get along ok... he hasn't taken the plunge yet to ask her to marry him. His girlfriend does want to get married very much, she has already hit the 30s (the clock has started ticking, I suppose) and now she has started to fret about never having that ring on her finger. 

The thing is, he did consider asking her to marry him a couple of years ago. He was even talking to me about rings (I remember him moaning because she wanted a freaking expensive one.. if I remember correctly, it was like 10k). But he also told me that he wasn't going to ask until he was certain, but that it was crucial the make or break time (... 2 years ago).

The issues centered around her commitment to her career, which involves long hours and takes her out of Singapore a lot.

Fast forward to today... he's still in the same predicament. Firstly, you would think that whatever uncertainties he had about their relationship... 2 years ago would be settled by now? In that time frame that he has sat on this matter, just going with the flow... I have had 2 failed relationships, and then one much more successful relationship which is leading to marriage 2 months from now. 

Sometimes you just have to swim against the tide to get there.

Yeah I had 2 failed relationships (that would be the Hungarian G, and HK bf) within a short span of time (and many many more if you consider my whole adult dating life).. so what? Many tears, heart breaks, criticism and judgement from others. 

But you know what? All that passes, and it passes faster than you expect it to. One moment you feel like your heart has been ripped out of its cavity.. then the next moment, you find some reason (or someone else) to smile about. (I use moment in the very loose sense of the word of course).

Still, it's much better than sitting on one relationship for years on end when you feel it's not right for you.

Yes, marriage is an important thing and you need to think it through carefully before deciding to get married. But when you're mature, in your 30s plus, it seldom takes like 4 years for you to know if she's the one for you or not. So, my friend (and anyone else in this situation).. I ask.. what's holding you back?

Can you fix it? Yes- then do you want to fix it? Yes- so fix it and get on with it!
But if you know deep down inside you don't intend to marry her... don't string her along. It's not fair. You're keeping her away from her Mr Right too. So please... shit or get off the pot!

The worst thing you can do to a woman (who wants to settle down) is hint at marriage, keep her keen and then string her along for years because you're "uncertain"... then the relationship ends. After which... somewhere down the road, you meet the right girl and ask her to marry you within months of dating.  Your ex will HATE YOU FOREVER for this, because you wasted years of her time and never proposed!

The thing which most people don't realise though is that when it's the right match, the decision comes so much easier and quicker. (Unless you're very very young lol... cos when you're still a kid, you fall in love and immediately want to marry him/her without regard of finances or much else.. lol that's a different story) .

It is not time that will "tell". It is your own volition.

Do you agree?
End with another pic of me :)  Neon Pink Sweater I'm wearing is from Lily Rae! (Launching tmrw night!)

18 comments:

  1. Anonymous9:08 pm

    I AGREE!
    I AGREE!
    Your post summarises exactly what I feel and think with regard to my own relationship...4yrs and still no ring!

    But oh well...I have given him and myself a timeline...no concrete plans by mid 2013 - it's over! Aint going to waste my time!

    -E

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    Replies
    1. Hey I just revisited this blog post cos the friend I was talking about in this post... he is going to be a father next month, and he married his GF 3 months ago. I can't say it's a decision I would be comfortable with for myself, but I hope he finds happiness.

      How did you get on?

      Delete
  2. Anonymous1:36 am

    Hmm.. Sometimes it's not that easy. Especially when it does not just involve the two people in the relationship, but also the family.

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  3. nonsequitur5:51 pm

    as a married man, I just wanna weigh in with some insights just to add on to the already insightful post here.

    yes, do not string people along on a false hope, but please also do not jump into a marriage just because you have to. It is my personal opinion that couples should always go for pre-marital counselling before taking the plunge mainly because marriage is a whole new ball game and many people find out the hard way. Sometimes love can carry us through the storms of marriage, but no one predicts these storms. the practical, pragmatic, life-changing decisions are often hard and while love can do much, preparation can do much more.

    If I may contribute an advice, please go for a pre-marital counselling course together. if it all works out, then there is no surer sign that the marriage can work. if there are root problems, they will surface and you have to work it out.

    all the best to your friend. and all the best to yours too!

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  4. Anonymous6:08 pm

    Sighz my sentiment exactly. It sucks to be in this predicament.

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  5. Anonymous9:34 pm

    I disagree with regards to your statement "when it's the right match, the decision comes so much easier and quicker".

    How sure can you be that the person is "the one" within a few months of dating? How much of his or her flaws have you seen? Both of you are still in the honeymoon stage during which you're still showing your best side and being extra caring/sweet/patient.

    Sounds to me like because the clock is ticking in a woman's 30s, she makes up her mind faster. That's it. I think you should give a more balanced viewpoint. The "wait and see" approach isn't always negative.

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  6. Anonymous11:13 pm

    Hi Holly! :) Could you share your dating experiences? I'm always wondering how you get to meet so many different guys. I know you did a short post on dating websites but I was wondering if you could do a more in depth one eg. What to put in our profile and so on. Thank you! :)

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  7. Anonymous2:28 am

    I think sometimes it has to do with the general adverse mentality of Singaporeans towards risky behavior: better stick with someone you know than break up and find someone better. I agree with you that it is easy to know if you want to marry/not marry the person pretty soon (instead of taking 4 years). However I would add a caveat: if one of them had a bad divorce there might be some hesitation, not necessarily because of the woman in question, but because of the association of marriage with pain, which takes time to overcome.

    Shan

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  8. I agree with whatever you have just said, there is no right or wrong, only do what is best for the relationship. I am stuck with this "unfair" because my ex-bf just refused to fight for something he believes in, and chose to let go to make the world happy. Trust and believe with a hint of sincerity is enough to tide things over, so long as you want to fight for it.

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  9. Anonymous3:34 pm

    sometimes it is easier said than done..

    what if the guy wants to marry you but you are just still 100% prepared even though you know that he is the one...

    what kind of response should i tell him?

    ReplyDelete
  10. Just tell him the truth. The reason why you are not 100% prepared.

    That way he can get a rough time frame. For instance, if you say you want to graduate from University first (example), then he knows the time frame.

    If he knows your reasons, then it's up to him if he wants to wait or not.

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  11. Anonymous12:07 am

    Is her career the main issue or are there other underlying reasons?

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  12. yes do not string the girl along.. I was stringed along for 6 years, and he confessed that he couldn't see me in his future.. First 3 years were most memorable years, well the next 3 years he went through army then uni. what we each want has changed over the late 3 years. I am glad that he actually told me and let me go. Now I am putting the past behind me and moving on. Hope your friend can make up his mind, be brave and tell his girl the truth. I think we rather take the truth that u guys can't picture us in your futures, then to wait for the question, wondering if u r ever going to ask, whether there are someone else ur in love with, etc.

    SO, once he confirms, just let the girl go. May god bless the both of them and the girl more as her youth is more precious than his.

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  13. @anon12.07- on and off there has been trust issues as well.I think Both ways.. but I only hear from him ....

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  14. I agree so much with your post!

    I was in this make-or-break situation last year when I told my bf that it is time for us to come to a decision whether we wanna take the next step forward after being together through thick & thin for 4 years.

    I told him that I will just leave him if I really can't wait anymore because I don't have the (biological) time to wait endlessly.

    Thankfully, I am engaged last month. :)

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  15. Anonymous11:56 pm

    I half disagree with this: "Your ex will HATE YOU FOREVER for this, because you wasted years of her time and never proposed!"

    I was reading the comments just to see if anyone had picked up on how one-sided it is and then I read esp's comment to which she lightly touches on my concern.

    The onerous is not solely on the man to tell you what your future will be like - you (the woman) need to also be steering the wheel. So you want kids and marriage then do the adult thing and sit down and discuss the issue - men have no urgancy to have kids and many don't like to make life changing decisions but those "men" can't be trusted to make a relationship move.

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  16. I think this post really speaks what most women in this predicament feels (myself included). It's really a stop-wasting-my-youth feeling. Really unfair!

    Women don't age as well as men do, very sad to say. But some guys are just too selfish to see it that way. SERIOUSLY, THE MEN DON'T GET IT.

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  17. Thanks for the great post on your blog, it really
    gives me an insight on this topic.

    ReplyDelete