This is NOT a post about my relationship. Despite it being a new relationship, we are getting to know a lot about each other, and I'm very happy with the pace at which we are moving at. Maybe I will share with you more about us at a later stage.
Today's post is about marriage. The majority of my friends are already married. A couple of them have children already. A few more are divorced or separated. And a few of them sadly ... are in no man's land.
It's a situation where they don't want to leave their boyfriends because they've invested too many years in the relationship. And of course, they do love their men. But then... the relationship does not seem to be moving forward.
I know that the thought of starting over again from scratch must be dreadful to many attached women. I myself have had to start over from scratch a few times in this last 5 years of dating... and yes, I admit, it is daunting.
But at least I know that starting over from scratch is only a mini hurdle. When you first face the prospect of starting over... it kind of knocks the wind out of you. It is scary. But you know what? It's not that difficult. You just have to know what you're looking for and be open to finding love.
Don't compromise on your expectations too much. You won't find the one that is meant for you if you're stuck with someone who doesn't want the same things you do.
Many women believe that if they bring up marriage it will send the man scurrying, but it's normal and healthy for an adult couple (not teenagers) to want to discuss their future together.
How long should you wait before cutting your losses and moving on? Well, each relationship is different...
He loves you and has no qualms about being in the relaionship for the long term but he's very artful at deflecting the subject of marriage. He will not commit to a time line (2 years? 5 years?). You need to speak to Mr Deflector, have a heart to heart and tell him that ultimately you want marriage (and a family?). Don't take "I don't know" for an answer, he is not a child. He does know.
It may seem scary because he might say no; but if that's his answer, it's important for you to know this sooner rather than later.
Mr Scarred and Wounded
Maybe he's been married before or he was a child of a bad divorce. Some men just don't believe in marriage. When you bring up the subject of marriage, he will point out how many of his friends are unhappily married and toss around some appaling divorce rate statistics.
Ask Mr Scarred and Wounded if he would be willing to go for counselling. If that doesn't work, then discuss a compromise. Marriage is afterall a piece of paper, isn't it? Instead of a traditional marriage, ﬁnd a mutually beneﬁcial and joyful arrangement.
Girls, if you want marriage, common sense would tell you to avoid men who don't. I'm not saying they're bad men. But ultimately it's not likely to be a happily ever after ending for you.
Men can postpone marriage indefinitely and enjoy singlehood while having a quasi wife (a girlfriend who lives with and takes care of him). I hope you're not one of them stuck in this rut. And if you are, be brave and do what will ultimately make you happy.