Friday, July 01, 2011

Confronting The Other Woman

A few of my female readers have been asking me over the past week to write about how to deal with "the other woman". Firstly, I would like to send a big hug to all those who are unfortunate enough to be facing such a situation. :( I am sorry to hear of your situation. (And note to other women... DON'T touch married men!! No matter how unhappy they claim to be in their marriages... let them sort it out without you in the picture!)


Yes, it's a devastating thing to find out your husband or partner is having an affair, but dealing with the other woman is a delicate process that should be handled delicately to ensure the best results.

Some women vent their rage on the other woman by calling her up, screaming at her and threatening her in the hopes that she will back out of the affair. But you know what? Human beings, especially women who are selfish and have less morals when it comes to sleeping with married men, don't respond well to threats. That is not going to stop her from flirting or trying to seduce a husband away from his wife.

How do you go about dealing with the other woman effectively then?

First, you have to find out the truth. Don't just blame the other woman for the affair. The ultimate blame, whether you like it or not, falls on your husband. He is the one who is supposed to stay loyal to you, not the other woman. Find out if he initiated the relationship or she did. Keep in mind that he may have lied to her or deceived her with statements like, "I'm going to divorce my wife, we don't love each other anymore".

If the other woman was lied to, it is very likely she will back away once you reveal the truth to her. Most women aren't attracted to scumbags. If the other person was in the dark about your marriage, it will help to confront her to let her know the truth.

However, if she did indeed know of your existence, and she did know she was flirting with a married man, then she is probably one of those screwed up needy women who just prefers other women's men. So you need to strategise and put yourself in a knowledgeable position by preparing for the confrontation.

1. Choose your mode of communicationI would suggest a face-to-face meet up for several reasons. Firstly, you can check out what she's like, she can also meet you and hopefully realise she's hurting a real person. Meeting in person also allows you to observe her body language and look for signs of untruth as she speaks. This is something you would miss out on if it were just a phone or email confrontation. Plan a meeting in a public place so that you feel neutral and safe. Be sure to let someone know where you are going in case something should happen.

2. Plan what you're going to say... and stick to it. When you finally meet this other woman, you may be overwhelmed with feelings of rage, or she may say things to evoke pity. This might cause you to change your stance. Always plan exactly what you want to tell her, rehearse it over and over again if you have to. During the actual confrontation, be firm and calm. Deal with facts, not feelings, when confronting the other woman, and don’t let anything she says get under your skin.

3. Have a purpose The confrontation isn't meant to be a threat, or a fight. It should serve to create awareness that you are going to put up a fight and that you love your husband. It is also a chance for you to hear the truth from the other side. If you need some closure in your life, this woman may be able to provide you with some answers.

4. Decide whether or not to tell your husband about this confrontationChances are he will oppose the confrontation (perhaps fearing the leakage of condemning evidence) and try to talk you out of it. You should also be prepared, that when your husband learns of this confrontation, he might feel sorry for his lover.


If you're unfortunate enough to be caught in this terrible situation, remember to not act on impulse. While it is vital to nip this affair in the bud and get rid of the other woman, you should bear in mind that even if she seduced him, he had the right and the responsibility to say no. A man with poor will power is a recipe for disaster because distractions are everywhere and you cannot confront every single one of them.

20 comments:

  1. Anonymous2:58 pm

    HJ, I like your blog, but this post is VERY BIASED and UNFAIR.

    Think about it from the other woman's perspective. Do we not deserve to be loved? I did not ask to fall in love with a married man. It just happened.

    So I have to forgoe him because someone else married him first? SImply because he make a mistake earlier, he wont get second chance in love?

    Come on.

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  2. Anonymous4:13 pm

    I don't think it's biased.

    While I agree with you that everyone deserves to be loved and be given second chances in love, it shouldn't be used as a legitimate reason for betrayal.

    If his marriage has no potential of being saved, then insist that he ensures a proper closure with his wife first. Only then You will not be dragged into the whole mess.

    We all desire to taste love that's pure. That quality of love involves principles and sacrifices.

    If he's a man of true integrity, he will not two-time. Wouldn't you want to be in love with men of such strength, instead of loving a man who at that point is entrapped in his weakness?

    Gemini

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  3. Agree with Gemini.

    He should settle stuff on his side before getting into another relaitonship.

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  4. jessie7:10 pm

    anon 2.58, it is not biased. you just want everyone to side with you, pity you and tell you that you are not wrong so u have the strength and courage to continue being the other woman.

    u did not choose to fall in love with a married man, but u chose to carry on with your mistake and break a happy family up. i sincerely hope that your guy doesnt have a kid because what you're doing is just irresponsible. my dad used to have an extra woman and trust me. guys ultimately goes back to their family, you're just their entertainment bcuz they're bored of their repeated lifestyle. wake up and get back some pride. i dont lie to beat arnd the bush and make my words so sweet looking and honey coated so pardon my frankness.

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  5. Anonymous9:54 pm

    I don't think it's biased AT ALL! In fact she was being very sensitive to the other woman.

    Everyone deserves love but if you ruin another woman's (or man's) life to chase your love, it says a lot about you and your character.

    'So I have to forgoe him because someone else married him first? SImply because he make a mistake earlier, he wont get second chance in love?' Seriously??? lol

    Anon 2:58, sounds like your married bf has trained you well. You are so blinded.

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  6. Anonymous10:00 pm

    To anonymous 2.58, I hope God shows you the answer with the word karma. God bless your pathetic soul.

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  7. Anonymous10:01 pm

    If 'your' man can cheat on the wife and leave her for you, he can do the same and leave you for another woman.

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  8. anonymous 2:5810:57 pm

    I know already tht no one wld understand or b on my side of this.

    is so easy to make the 'poor' wife he victim. But he really dun loves her now. They married when both 22, cos of shotgun. she purposely shotgun to trap him, actually he dun see her as soulmate.

    now the dauhter is 15 already. not say is a small child who can't understand.

    I am 24, i finally found my soulmate. She trap him long enough. now want to divorce but not yet cos he dun want her take half of his things. its not fair as he was the one to work and earned it! Now can u see the other side?

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  9. anonymous 2:5811:00 pm

    I have also invested 4 years of love in this. do u all bother to understand how painful it is for me?

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  10. Anonymous12:11 am

    Anon 2.58 my friend invested more than 10 years waiting for her married bf to divorce. When atlas he divorced, he became busy with his work and personal life that he kept her waiting some more. Finally when she got tired of waiting, she broke up with him and now she is with a PRC guy. He is younger than her, earn in renminbi and stay in China. She want the 5Cs but she don't have a choice now as she is almost 40yo. She wasted her youth for a married guy. I'm not sad for her cos she made a choice by believing that 'the best woman wins'.

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  11. To Anon 2.58

    I guess everyone is slamming you for a reason. When a man wants to cheat, he can come up with any old reason to tell u. How do u know for sure that he was 'trapped in the marriage'? He was an adult making an adult decision, not with any gun to his head. I bet he just played around irresponsibly before he got married, then got the gf pregnant, quickly married her and now looking for some other fun, which he has found conveniently in you.

    If he really loves you, why does he care about whether his wife gets half his assets? money also can earn back one what. Obviously more stalling tactics to not divorce.

    If you dare to admit so openly that u are TOW, dont come out and expect any sympathy except from other TOWs.

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  12. Anonymous12:16 pm

    anon 2:58 - I've been in your position, I know how you feel. Trust me, if this man really loved you he would get a divorce THEN be with you. If he claims he doesnt want to let her take his money, does his wife know of your existence? Has he moved out or made them move out? If he is serious about you he would be living separately, he would have introduced you to his friends, colleagues, his daughter, even his wife.

    If he keeps your existence and your relationship a secret from everyone then sorry, but you know the truth, he's lying to you. I am not against you, I've been in that situation, and frankly the sooner you realize it the better.

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  13. Anonymous12:53 pm

    Anon 2.58, if he's a man of righteousness, he would have done something for you. You have no status (no marraige Cert) and no dignity. He can choose to leave you anytime. Are you ready for it? I wouldn't ever put myself in a position with so much to lose. And in the first place, I wouldn't fall in love with him because as u said he'll not leave her!

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  14. Anonymous4:27 pm

    Anon 2:58, sorry to sidetrack, you don't sound local. Are you?

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  15. Anonymous10:08 pm

    If he love you and can't stand his wife then he would forgo half his asset just to be with you.

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  16. jessie2:30 am

    anon 2.58,

    you're just making excuses for yourself to make yourself feel better. old enough to think? you will be hurting a 15 year old girl. even if shes 20, nobody wants to see their parents divorced, because it is NOT something to be graceful. and definitely not something ANYONE regardless of age wants to see happen. their family falling apart because of what YOU are doing. imagine YOU are the 15 yr old. you said shot gun at 22. let me tell you. people CAN THINK at the age of 22. whats more? im a 19 year old. im a 19 YO saying this. dont give me the bullshit of what im still a kid etc. i've seen lots of these kinda rubbish happen. i've friends much older and i've taken part in consoling them for relationship fails too.

    he chose to shotgun with that woman, now his wife. so he has to take responsibilities. and he did that years ago. now he chose to go for someone so much younger, YOU. because his wife is no longer fresh. u said hes not divorcing because of his assets? it's his responsibilities to FEED his wife and daughter. even if the wife has a job and can support herself, he has a share in the daughter. what the wife gets is to support THEIR daughter. and unless 1) the wife has no job. then she spent her life committed to the family. she deserves the money. to continue her life. 2) the father raises the daughter himself.
    but i believe alls in all, the daughter would be the one to suffer. because if you can be so proud even though ure the other woman, then i believe u wont be a good mother. you're just gonna be another nightmare step mother for that poor little girl.

    i pity her. i really really do. because of what her dad chose to do, and what you chose to do, she is the one who reap what her dad sow. and the seed? is you.

    think clearly before u stand so firm on the ground and insist that you're right, you deserve the pity and that he loves you.
    i shan comment so much as i'm used to just speaking my mind and i might hurt someone. so all i can do is wish the little girl and you, good luck.

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  17. Anonymous9:39 pm

    I saw the TOW of my r/ship at the very same place where I was introduced to her . She is my bf co worker and we met at a cafe and my bf intro us. She has been trying on him.. Well he crumble .. And wanted a cooling off with me..

    I went up to her to say hi and introduced myself as ' xx girlfriend... And we met at this same place.. Remember?'

    now I am not sure what she will go tell my bf..
    I am wondering if I should have done it at all..

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  18. Anonymous9:41 pm

    Cont from previous comments...why do people take pleasure in being a r/ship wrecker?... Where's the moral compass..?

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  19. Anonymous9:55 am

    They take pleasure cos they find are not confident and pretty enough to find single men! Get a life! R/s with a married is so lame!

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  20. Anonymous9:55 am

    The other woman is a volunteer, not a victim. While she is not responsible for the husbands actions, she is responsible for doing the right thing herself. I think she should be called on it. She cared nothing for anyone else's devastation, why should she be protected from any consequences such as facing an upset wife?

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