Friday, April 22, 2011

Ask Holly Jean: Should I Keep the Baby?

Dear Holly Jean,

I am 3 months pregnant. My husband and I were very happy the day we found out I was pregnant, even though it happened only a few months after we married.

But now that I am pregnant, I cannot drink or party like we used to. However, my husband's lifestyle has not changed at all. Every Friday night after work he would go drinking. I stay at home and rot. It is so unfair.

Last weekend, he came home drunk at 6 am. He was too hung over to go for our gynae appointment the next day and I went alone.

He says he is only partying so hard because he wants to "get it out of his system". But I am worried that he will not be a good father. I will be the one looking after the child 100% and he will just be out having fun like he is still single.

If I want to abort, I need to do it very soon, before 14 weeks, or else it will be too late. I am really having second thoughts about having a child now.

I would like to hear what your readers have to say about this, and any experiences or advice they can share. You can post this on your blog but please don't use my email or name.

Thanks,
Knocked Up

20 comments:

  1. Anonymous8:30 pm

    When he said he need to get out of the system, it doesn't seems like he was truly happy about your pregnancy :(

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  2. Anonymous9:17 pm

    don't be a naggy old wife at home! Join him!

    Ur only 3 months pregger!

    I was still going out and hanging out with my hubby and our friends... even in pubs... until I was 8 months plus pregger! Just drink water and juice. Don't drink alcohol and don't smoke.

    Doesn't mean u must stop living ur life.

    And DOESN'T MEAN HE MUST STOP LIVING HIS.

    honest advice babe.

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  3. Anonymous9:54 pm

    "He says he is only partying so hard because he wants to "get it out of his system". But I am worried that he will not be a good father. I will be the one looking after the child 100% and he will just be out having fun like he is still single."

    I think that's a valid concern, but am not sure if that's the reason why you should, end the life of your child. If he can't be a good father, can't you be a good mother?

    I'm really sympathetic, please don't take this the wrong way, but I will be frank, because we are talking about a life here. Also, does your husband know your concern? Maybe if you talk it over with him...

    And the previous commenter is right, go out with your husband! Pregnancy is a happy thing, so go on and celebrate!

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  4. Personally, I think that your husband is being very irresponsible. Different bodies handle pregnancy very differently. For me, when I was pregnant, I was very lethargic and worn out all the time, even when I was barely 2 months preggers. Whilst I agree that you should not compromise your original lifestyle, being preggers changes things drastically and that would naturally translate to a general shift in lifestyle - I wasn't able to stay awake for more than 4-5 hours each time and I don't see how I would be able to survive partying into the wee hours of the night every Friday. It's just not a realistic suggestion/solution, especially if you find that your body handles pregnancy similarly to mine.

    I think you should talk to your husband about it more and come to a common decision whether a baby is what you need in your lives now, as I understand that you two are a newly wed couple. Even though abortion might be cruel to some, it would be even more cruel to bring him/her into this world if you are fully aware that you are not able to provide a healthy and well balanced nurturing environment for him/her.

    Therefore, it should be a well thought out decision and regardless of the outcome, I trust that you are acting in the best interest of your child. Whoever condemns you for your decision is just imposing their own values on you, and that is simply not fair.

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  5. Anonymous11:52 pm

    You wanna your baby's life cos your hubby goes club every weekend?

    I think you should have a chat with your hubby and your parents. That doesn't seem a valid reason.

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  6. Anonymous1:17 am

    Hi Knocked Up!

    I would say, have a chat with your husband, ask if he truly wants this baby and if he is ready for it. After all, baby is a commitment between the two of you, not just you alone!

    If the answer is yes, then you two should walk through this journey together, join him in his partying like what the other readers said and also make sure that he goes for most of the gynae visits with you, so that both of you can share the joy of seeing the baby's growth together. Request the gynae to let both of you hear the baby's heartbeat. It's really quite amazing, like something that is just 2D on the ultrascan screen can be so alive! Also, plan trips to purchase baby's clothes, furniture, toys, prams, infant seats, etc together, so that your husband can feel the responsibility and joy of being a father-to-be.

    However, if his answer is no, please think through it seriously before abortion, as it is afterall a life. Maybe your husband will change after the baby's arrival? Of course, it's hard to predict the future. But if your husband is not going to change at all even till he's 40+, are you going to wait till that time to have a baby or are you planning not to have a baby then?

    No matter what decision you two make, all the best! =)

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  7. Hello knocked up, I just want to applaud you for your courage. I know that whatever you do - you'll make the right decision. The fact that you're thinking about - and that you're willing to confront it.. its not easy. Good luck with it :) Also - i think all the other readers have given you very very sound advice. Good luck with it hun. Love, V

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  8. Anonymous10:02 am

    hi knocked up,

    have you had a really good talk about this and discussed your reasons for even considering abortion with your husband?

    he's going to be a father, not that he's a father yet. ask him if he's willing to make changes when he's a father as he needs to share some of the parenthood responsibility with you as well.

    make your decision only after you have heard his views on the matter k.and never opt for an abortion in a fit of anger. you might have to live in regret for the rest of your life if you were to do that.

    all the best.

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  9. Anonymous10:13 am

    hi, honestly, the fact that you are thinking about an abortion just cause u "can't" go out & party kinda tells me that you are not prepared for this child. & u might wanna rethink the marriage as well.

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  10. dear pitiful girl, i believe u shld talk it out with your husband before you make any decision. i see that you're still newly wed, maybe the baby might be a little too quick and stressful for your husband to handle. i think that u shld always ensure that protection is made unless ure ready to handle a little fragile life.

    of course, ur husband has not played a part in your pregnancy thus far, but no matter what, he has a share in the baby you're carrying now. he have the rights to play a part in the decision to be made to see if u shld carry on or not.

    of course, if he decided to carry on, u have to let him know that it is to the utmost important that he be there for you when you need him to, and give u support in whatever u do, and of cuz be more caring towards you.

    no matter what, these are words frm a 19 year old, i might be wrong in some parts or so, but i definitely hope the baby gets to see the world, as afterall, it is a life.

    good luck in whatever you decided to do, and i know u will make a clear decision, not a rash one.

    much love, jess

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  11. HOW COULD YOU THINK OF ABORTION when you mentioned both u & ur husband are happy for this child??

    use head to think, not ur backside!


    talk to him, first and most importantly...


    D-GUY

    .

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  12. Anonymous6:06 pm

    Dear Knocked Up,

    You are talking about a human being's life that is in your hands. This human being is part of you and your husband. Ending his or her life because you want to go out partying or maintaining a present lifestyle is not just cruel. It is wrong. There are no valid reasons for ending a life.

    This is not about imposing of values. Abortion is ultimately humanly wrong because you are taking a life that is NOT YOURS. Both of you may have created it but now it has a life of its own. You really have no right.

    Have a talk with your husband about this new human being that is going to enter into your lives. Look at it from a different perspective. Having a baby will definitely change both your lives and your lifestyle but it does not mean you still can't do what you normally do. You just do less of it because you have a baby to care for. A baby WILL bring a lot of joy and happiness into your lives as well.

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  13. Anonymous9:44 pm

    D-Guy, so if you too have used your head to think and you were the guy in this instance, how about sharing with us what your thoughts would be on this issue?

    If you were the guy, would you think you'd be a responsible father? Why do you think you would go ahead clubbing while your poor preggy wife is at home all alone to handle her pregnancy? Why make her pregnant if you need to "get it out of the system"? Would you need to "get it out of the system" too for the next 20-odd years when the child arrives on earth? Are you able to handle it?

    Exactly.
    If you can't answer those because you are not the guy himself, then you don't have the right to say "use head to think, not ur backside!" to the lady too.

    Obviously, the lady in question has her concerns for thinking of abortion. She's not killing a life for selfish reasons, on the other hand, I think she's considering it for the sake of her future and the child's future. We're not her, so let's not judge.
    ________________________________

    As for the lady in question.

    Discuss this with your husband, see what he says. Maybe he's having the jitters too and not sharing with you because you are pregnant and he doesn't want to 'disturb' you about his feelings/worries as a new father.

    Visualize your future with your husband and see if it includes a child. Sometimes, some people might be unprepared for pregnancy but when the child is born, things do change for the better eventually. So.. do talk with your hubby asap! Don't quarrel, talk it out nicely, share your fears and opinion and come to a conclusion with him.

    Of course, as a bystander, I hope you do not abort since it's a life. But let's be practical here.

    Anonymous (female)

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  14. Anonymous9:45 pm

    Abort

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  15. Hi Knocked Up,

    I think you're just being a selfish, whiny, naive, crybaby.
    Just because you can't join your husband and get bored at home doesn't give you enough reason to kill your child. Have you tried asking him how he truly feels about the pregnancy? He says he wants to "get it out of his system" but it might not mean he's not happy about the pregnancy. Perhaps he's having the jitters or he might not know what to do to help you get through the pregnancy. If you don't tell him what you need or feel, he will never know. And I think it's your choice to rot at home. Find something to do. Make something for your child, watch some cable tv, read up on pregnancy, pick up a new hobby. You're only 3 months pregnant.

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  16. HI Knocked up,

    Most of my readers have given very honest and sound advice.

    I'd agree with those who say you should speak to your husband about this. I am sure you have, but sometimes, men don't realise how important the issue is to you. They tend to trivialise things without any intention to hurt.. but they just do.

    So do sit him down. DO tell him how you feel, don't accuse him or corner him, but don't hold back what you really think or feel either.

    I suspect he's just a little treatened by the potential loss of freedom once the baby comes along. Hence the partying.

    Have faith tht if he wants to be a committed father once the baby is born, then he will. But u got to ask him to tell u honestly what he wants.

    And tht if he is not ready then u two should make a joint decision whether to abort or not.

    Good luck girl.

    HJ

    P/s- my readers, you make me so proud. Thank you for your support and for lending a listening ear to a complete stranger.

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  17. Hi Knocked Up,

    First of all, a big virtual hug. :(

    Many people who have never been pregnant or been close to someone who has like to trivialize how expecting a child brings about physical and emotional changes.

    I've never been pregnant but I work in maternity fashions and I come in touch with pregnant mummies quite a bit. Being pregnant isnt just about a growing bump. In the process, there are bouts of hormonal changes which I've heard a pregnant mum describe as a "9 month long pms". It must be hard on you to go through the insecurities and worries without a reassuring husband.

    Nonetheless, being a first time dad, he is probably clueless about pregnancy and what it does to women as well. I suppose always voicing out how you feel (gently!) would be a great way to clue him in! :)

    Whatever happens, please dont take the life of your child. :( Lives are not for us to take!

    All the best for your marriage and pregnancy! :)

    "4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

    8 Love never fails." - 1 Cor 13:4-8

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  18. Anonymous3:35 am

    Hi knocked up!

    First of all, having a baby is definitely a huge commitment and being happy about the pregnancy does not mean that going ahead with the pregnancy is the path to take. It's not just about not being able to party now. It is about the future, whether you can commit to taking care of your child as well.

    Your concerns that your husband would not be committed in the future is definitely valid. Does partying hard now translate to no regrets in the future? Or would he look back and think that life was much better before the child was born? Personally, I would find it important for your husband to go to the gynae appointment with you and being hungover is not a good enough reason. Does he then feel that the baby is not as important as hanging out with his friends? It boils down to his mentality and a good talk with him would definitely help.

    As mentioned by the other readers, being pregnant doesn't mean that you can't have a life. That also applies after the baby is born. If you're feeling up to it, go ahead and hit the town!

    Before you consider abortion, think about whether you would have regrets if you abort the child. I believe there is high chance that an abortion would cause emotional trauma in the future. Also, what are the reasons for you having seconds thoughts about the baby? Would you be able to resolve those problems? Are you able to commit to the child as well?

    I suppose this also serves to remind us the importance of family planning.

    What I've said is just a piece of my mind and hopefully it helps. Hope it works out for you! :)

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  19. Anonymous11:56 am

    Hi knocked up,

    I applaud for all the advices HJ's readers have written here. They're sincere, honest and true. Some are really inspiring and moving and they are realistic.

    Similar with most readers here, most importantly is communication with your husband. If he really cares about u, he'd be willing to hear out and resolve your concerns. A baby created by both of you should be watched and cared for by both of you, together. Life shouldnt be so hard and tough on u being already 3 months pregnant.

    I wish you best of luck and happiness in your marriage and pregnancy. Remember youre not alone... you always have people around to hear out your concerns.

    MUCH LOVE,
    HJ's reader :)

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  20. yvonne9:41 am

    Hi,

    I think its a time to set aside a time, sit down, have a nice dinner and talk to him about how u felt deep down... he wouldnt know if you dont tell.. he might think that u are handling ur pregancy well.. on the other hand... i think its the first time he is a father... that is why he behaves it this way.. but who isnt a father / mother for the first time... don give away a life just like that... im sure that you wants to keep this baby that is why you hesitated...

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