Friday, July 23, 2010

Ask HJ: How Come I am not Invited???



Hello HJ

Basically, everytime my friends have a party or a movie outing, I always invite my BF to come along. He is my partner and I like having him with me.

But yesterday, I got into an argument with him because one of his friends (female) whom I haven't met yet, invited him to her birthday BBQ. I asked if I could come along and he said no because I wasn't invited.

This is not the first time something like this has happened. I have tried talking to him about this matter... but no change! Everytime he has an outing or gathering, he never invites me to join him... and it's not like it's a boy's night out kinda thing.

I am upset because when he got the invite, he didn't think to ask her if he could bring his girlfriend. We have been together for 1 year now. It's not as if I am just a new friend so his friend does know that he has a girlfriend yet she didn't have the courtesy to invite me as well???

Am i over reacting?

From,
Treated Badly?


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Dear Treated Badly?

Some people would say that you should get your own life and not expect your BF to take you places with him because you are not joint at the hip.

But I actually feel upset for you. I understand how you feel... because I am the sort who would include my BF in my social life... indeed, he would be a big part of my life, and that includes parties etc.

If I were having a BBQ, I would invite my friend's significant others... (what a rude bitch his friend is!!). I know that I wouldn't want to be at a social gathering where the person I love isn't allowed to go. (With the exceptions of like, girls only type parties or my work related lunches or formal wedding dinners if the host has a very limited amount of seating, of course)

So, I think it's very odd that your boyfriend never takes you along to any gatherings. If your boyfriend wanted you to come, I think he would have asked his friend if he could bring you. If he wanted you there, he would have made it happen (or at least try to), some men are self-centred like that.

Sorry if this isn't what you want to hear, but it's what I think. I wouldn't want to be with him... can you imagine having a partner this selfish fot the rest of you life? If you want to try to fix this, then stop inviting him along... go on your own, have a blast (or pretend to!) and make sure he knows all about it. Either he will realise how it feels to be left out or this plan backfires and he'll be very very happy he doesn't have to tag along with you anymore (which is quite possible).

Maybe my readers can offer their opinions on this matter.

Yours,
Holly Jean.
P/S- I wouldn't say that you are treated badly, but it sure does SUCK.

18 comments:

  1. Few reasons why he didn't ask along

    1) He didn't get it
    2) He is ashamed of you
    3) He doesn't want people to know he has a gf (probably wanna keep low profile)
    4) He's hoping he can score at the gathering
    5) He needs a breather from you

    We don't know the exact situation between you and him and we only heard one side of the story. No offence and sorry for being harsh but sometimes the problem(s) may lie with you not him. However, if he is really the one that are being insensitive, have a talk with him and work things out nicely, else you may want to reconsider this r/s.

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  2. Anonymous11:35 am

    Whether you like it or not, you are not the only important person in your boyfriend's life. Deal with it.

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  3. poisonivy11:36 am

    Great answer Holly!
    Personally, I think that this guy does not see her as an important person in his life. He obviously does not want her to be involved with his friends and perhaps not want her to know things that his friends know about.

    If I was you I would look for someone who gives me higher piriorities in life!

    Hope that helps

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  4. Anonymous12:54 pm

    Currently, you may not be his ideal partner. He is just waiting and see if he is able to get a better one or trying out this relationship. And you are basically not the one yet, if not, he would have included you in at least some of his "outings". Normally, this happens when you love your partner more than he/she does.

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  5. gisele1:00 pm

    I agree with poisonivy. A guy who truly loves a girl will give her priorities in his life which includes his time with friends, the time with him no matter where he goes.

    Sometimes the "honeymoon" period of a relationship ends after a year or lesser, that is when you see the true color of a person.

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  6. wah lau... don't say until make the girl cry lah.

    I for one am the type that treasures my freedom. WHen I spend time with her, I focus onher. but when it is time for my friends, then it's my time with them. I need my own space.

    I have been in this relationship for 3 years now and it's working well. She also treasures her space without me.

    Those of you who do everything with you BF it's either you want to show him off like a trophy or you dont trust him to be on his own.

    Face the facts.

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  7. Anonymous2:58 pm

    If you really love a person, you will want to show off your partner to the whole world!

    Enough said!

    Period!

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  8. i think treated badly is just really insecure. Most men want their own space and it's just a birthday bbq,no need to get that upset?
    Maybe sometimes it's nice to just hang out with your own friends :)
    If you can't trust the guy, might as well just end it now :)

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  9. Anonymous4:34 pm

    Because your Bf all along use you as a sub. Once he found someone else, off you go!

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  10. Anonymous5:06 pm

    while i don't agree on going to ALL of your partner's friends gatherings, i think it's generally okay to go once in awhile, and i think he should be okay with it too. just not an overkill of being stuck to the hip, where his friends can't enjoy alone time with him anymore. sometimes its important to have that balance.

    about his friend not inviting you, i guess maybe sometimes people don't explicitly say partners are invited, and i don't think she excluded you on purpose. probably didn't think much about it.. but i'm sure if your bf asked if she was okay with you coming, she would have agreed.

    i guess maybe have a good talk with him (when you're not mad) and just let him know your point of view. how you want to get to know his friends etc etc and be a bigger part of his life. if he is relentless than dump that sucker.

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  11. Anonymous6:45 pm

    Perhaps you should pop by the bbq and see how much he is enjoying himself without you? Make a wise decision after that.

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  12. Anonymous9:51 pm

    I'm facing the same problem too.
    I've been with my bf for a little over 2 years. Our friends know about us but we've never been introduced into each other's social circle formally. Like only when we happen to bump into our friends. I used to ask him along to my gatherings but he always rejects, saying he's 'shy' or he'll be like "for what?" I know, wtf right. Now i just don't ask him along. He's never invited me to his social gatherings like bday parties and stuff. Even his friends complain that they've never met me although we've been together for so long.

    My advice is to just bear with it, and talk to him about it. Thats what i intend to do. And i'm not trying to scare you or something, but maybe the friend just doesn like you? Or maybe she just forgot..

    The impt thing is that when he's with you, he's really into you and not distracted or planning some outing wiht his friends after your date.

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  13. wow.. thanks everyone for sharing your honest comments so quickly.

    i think at the end of the day, "Treated Badly?" has to ask herself if she is happy in this r'ship? Is this not tagging along with him a big issue for her? Does he make her feel insecure enough to be miserable and yet refuse to compromise?

    Or like anonymous above, her BF doesn't tag or invite her to tag and yet they've been together 2 years, and it's not like anyone suspects foul play.

    I know I would not accept it because it'm my character to want to be a big part of my partner's life. But not everyone is like me. Or you. We have to find someone which fits.

    So you got to ask yourself if you want to make it work ? or cut your losses and find someone more in tune with u .

    tough decision. Hugs.

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  14. Come to think of it, I've never thought of asking my boyfriend in my previous relationships out with my friends.

    I do want him to be part of my social life but I feel awkward and at the same time, stressed out cause' I've to entertain both my friends and my boyfriend at the same time.

    All I can say don't worry too much. But he was a bit harsh when he said no you can't go because you're not invited. That's WTH.

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  15. Anonymous11:56 pm

    i think give it a rest.

    what do you want him to say to your friends when he goes to your outings? or you to his friends?

    wouldn't it be awkward?

    and its not a hey ask "A" out its always ask "A" and his gf out. wouldn't it be weirddd??

    anyway its just a bday party. relax!!

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  16. Anonymous2:47 am

    Maybe he is not ready. To some guys, friends and girlfriend, although equally important, are 2 different leagues... - For example, friends tend to know him from a more sociable level while the girlfriend know him from a personal or emotional one. It takes time, maturity and skills to manage these 2 important entities well.. and have them co-exist without conflict.

    Being too pushy about the introductions (to either party) will only add pressure or delay it further.

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  17. I agree with Holly's sentence "If you want to try to fix this, then stop inviting him along... go on your own, have a blast (or pretend to!) and make sure he knows all about it."

    What I'll do is.. Whenever he goes out with his friends, I'll make plans with mine.. It'll be a win-win situation. =)

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  18. Anonymous3:59 am

    i agree w/ holly. give him a taste of his own medicine!

    if he really cared, he should've at least ASKED if you wanted to come along. y'know, given you an option, instead of just cancelling you out like that. it's hurtful. ):

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