Thursday, August 07, 2008

In My Defense

I am sad.

Today I received an email, from someone who does not know me, but based on reading my blog (which is really only a fragment of my life) formed a skewed and hurtful opinion of me.

Let's call him Stevo.[I'm not angry, by the way, everyone's entitled to their opinions. But this post, is written in my defense... because if Stevo can feel this way after reading a few posts, then I hate to imagine what the masses must think of me]

Stevo wrote that I "horrify" him.

"You're obviously a serial dater, hanging out with many many men .Frankly, that is the last kind of person that I want to settle down with. Love should be unique and special, not something that results from endless dating and finally deciding to "pick someone". For me, promiscuity is about the least attractive characteristic a prospective partner could have."

First thing I need to clear up- having had many dates does not necessarily entail that I am or have been promiscuous.

Just because I have dated a lot of men, does not mean I live my life steeped in self-indulgent irresponsibility.
I have a goal. And that is to have a happy little family and be in a fulfillling monogamous relationship with one man. My quest to find this man, happens to take me on a very rocky and trying route. How is it fair that I am judged negatively on this. I never wished this upon myself.
I'm not dating to play the field or have wild nights and fun. I am looking to make a connection. Why sould I be persecuted because I have not managed to make this "connection" with the right person in the last 10 months of singlehood?

And yes, I have been dating a few people at a time in the last few months. Parallell dating. But I've actually whittled it down to one person now. But even that seems like it's not going to work and it seems likely I will have to eliminate him as well and start again.

When I first meet someone new, they're always full-on, messaging, calling, wanting to meet up. Then, after a couple of weeks, there's a stark contrast. A cool off, no daily msgs or calls. And when I do calll or message, it's "oh I've been so busy at work, Sweetie."

Oh come on...I know the game, "Oh I've been so busy at work, Sweetie." translates to "No, you're not perfect enough for me. But then again, you're nice and you're pretty, and I'm sure the minute I say No to you, you'll turn around and there'll be so many other men wanting to go out with you. And thus I'd lose you for good, so I don't want to cast you off just yet, just incase there's no one better out there. I will try dating around a bit but also selfishly keep you in tow."

So when it's so obvious that they're keeping their options open, why shouldn't I do just the same?

This last one who didn't get eliminated yet, well, I really like him. But I am not looking for a partner who goes out with me like once every week! What am I to do? Just wait around all week for him to call? I am starting to realise that this isn't going to be able to develop into a proper relationship. Hence the imminent elimination... I am not looking for something casual to fill my saturday evenings. Do you get what I mean?

Yet, at this stage, it's a bit psycho to expect to be a part of someone's routine and life just like that!

Dating is a two-way street. And if I feel like I am the one putting forth all of the effort, it’s a bad sign. Not only is it unfair, but also the reality is that a relationship that begins that way, usually stays that way, and rarely gets better with time.

Rather than being persistent with someone who does not appear to share my level of interest, I feel it is best to withdraw from the situation.

But then, I get judged as a player... a slut.. promiscuous!!!! :(

My own goals are always at the forefront, I am at a phase in life where I'm not looking to make more friends. I am looking for The One. I happen to have shit luck at finding him, so I have been dating so many mismatched men... does that mean I should just give up? Or just stick to a mismatched one and force it to work?

I keep on dating, and meeting new people in order to hopefully finally find one that fits. Maybe it's one of the guys I already know now. I don't know what the answer is.

I just want someone's hand to hold. Forever. (Please don't judge me harshly because of that)

32 comments:

  1. nasty comments are part and parcel of a blogger's life!

    dont let it get down to you - i support your views and i think keeping your options open for the right guy is a very smart thing to do.

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  2. There is nothing wrong with dating a lot. You can't help it if there are loads of asses out there ain't it who turns out to be even worse after a couple of dates.

    Obviously this guy has never had a date before, or he will just settle for an arranged marriage. Love does not come easy, it's the journey to find the ONE that makes it all the more exciting.

    Cheer up, don't let one close-minded person bring you down =)

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  3. haha totally agree with davienne. when your blog is so well read, you're bound to get flaks for absolutely retarded reasons.. this being one of them.

    i mean, there's no harm dating people when you're single and still looking for the right person. only then will you find that special one.

    in fact, i'd date you anytime man.

    cheerios!

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  4. Why bother to clarify when youre not doing anything wrong.

    Get over it Biatch!

    Tell them who is the bitch in town

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  5. in most cases i know one party is putting more effort in a relationship.. thats sad but thats wat is happening.. sad to say i'm in one too where my girl is the one putting more effort..am trying to do something about it.. =(

    anyway these kind of stuffs will keep us learning more about love and relationships for the rest of our lives, no prob dating alot or having parallel dating...

    and well, just ignore those buggers who just like to analyze thing and judge it base on their personal selfish reference bah.. no point making yourself sad over them...

    its hard i'm sure but i hope you are able to find the RIGHT one in near future. Take Care!

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  6. Different strokes for different people as i always say. haha

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  7. yo holly, seriously, this guy does not know what he's talking about.

    i stand firm in the belief that finding your true love means having to experiment. having to work for it.

    its not something that falls on your lap out of the sky.

    its something you have to be active in seeking, and something that you have to be active in working for.

    when it boils down to it, how do you know if the person is right for you or not? just by lookng at him/her? no way. its a whole variety of things, but the sum of it is EXPERIENCES TOGETHER.

    if it ain't right, i'd rather lose it than try to maintain it.

    if you ask me "stevo" sounds like a scorned person who has never found true love, has never adapted (perhaps through lack of experience), and will likely never find anybody. hey, I'm blunt, but i know i'm right. Through experience.

    You keep on going! And see you soon!

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  8. thanx for all the comments... can always count of nuffnang peeps for support...
    but this Stevo isn't the only one who has this opiion, I have had guys whom I went out with then they read my blog and get very put off or intimidated. Some read abt all my past exploits and think i am a slut. some others worry abt being written unfavourably about in my blog. or being "public" abt a relationship cos I always talk abt r'ships in my blog.

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  9. Stevo seriously needs to get laid, preferably by someone other than his cousin. Or not virtual.

    I do agree with him on one thing, love should be unique and special and I'm sure eventually you'll find that someone to share something unique and special with. What Stevo doesn't realise though is that you gotta work and meet people to weed out all the losers and pretenders to get to the one. After all, not every loser's as considerate as Stevo and bothers to take the time to email you and tell you what a loser he is, so sadly you gotta get out there and do the weeding yourself.

    So weed, woman, like the gardener that you are.

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  10. Anonymous3:44 pm

    Ok, so ‘Stevo’ is wrong, but I still don't agree with Holly's dating approach, which seems to view choosing a man as a similar process to choosing a new car. Cupid, where are you..?!?

    Despite all the lists - Top 5 this and Top 10 that - I have little faith that Holly will make the right choice. As an ex, I have my own views why. I can understand why the phone is going quiet after two weeks. Until Holly addresses that, it doesn't matter how men she chooses to "eliminate" herself.

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  11. I guess most if alright (not that my value judgment has any value). I only disagree with the parallel dating part. It is OK if everyone involved knows about it.

    And what anonymous said about finding out why the phone goes silent.

    You got to accept that in the traditional sense your blog will definitely be intimidating for guys. Try giving out the blog address instead of your phone number next time :). Much better way for them to get to know you and a great way for you to filter guys!

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  12. Anonymous4:58 pm

    I don't think you should bother abt the judgement of people who don't know u...

    However, with regards to the situation u r in, I have a feel that u r looking too hard and possibility not relaxed enough to genuinely enjoy the process of knowing someone.

    U know how ironic life can be, u can search all your life for that someone, and he turns out to be who u least expected and u will only realised it after u have given up looking.

    lol I don't mean it has to be so in your case. But maybe u can consider taking a step back to enjoy life without going all out to look for that man and see where it takes u...

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  13. When you recieve nasty comments..it means that you're famous enough for people to dislike you. Ignore those comments. Nobody has the right to judge you. Furthermore, the person hardly know you ! =) Anyway, good luck in finding the right guy. Hope you will find ' the one' soon! =)

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  14. We come to love not by looking for a perfect person, but by looking at an imperfect person perfectly. :)

    Hope it helps.
    And good luck!

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  15. just continue to be yourself - people who matter don't mind, people who mind don't matter. recently i had a bad remark from someone who didnt know me too well & i didnt even realise he thought of me as a player. i was upset at first, but u'll get over it. you r not, & u know it better than anyone else. cheers!

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  16. Honestfool7:17 pm

    I think your over reacting a but there... Someone had a go at you and you didn't like it, fine thats life...

    But don't start judging everyone elses life style and opinons just because you don't like one persons comments.

    Stevo must have lived in a bubble his whole life, to come up with comments like that anyway. either he has been in a bubble or has never been attracted to anyone else in his life apart from him mummy!!!

    I don't see where the cooling off from new friends comes into it? My wife and i might not talk for days if one of us is busy, that doens't meant that i don't want to be married to her... Some people are busy at differnt times of the month than others.

    Maybe thats just your own insecurities or relationship phobias which you secretly have...

    Bottom line Stevo is an idiot and no-one would agree with him & two have a look in the mirror and think about it before jumping out into the worng lane of traffic, then mayeb you won't get run over in your relationships all the time?

    An open mind is a free mind!

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  17. Don't let what others say about you affect you,just let that person say whatever he/she wants & don't care.You yourself know that you ain't that type of a person so you shouldn't care much.In my opinion,i feel that you're looking for the right guy.

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  18. Anonymous9:28 pm

    This guy is obviously bitter and yes..probably needs to get laid.
    If you are comfortable with who you are then you shouldn't bother what this guy (who is like non existent to you) has to say about you.

    Looking for the right guy , being happy doesnt mean he has to have a car, money...that should only come later..(and by that i mean stability.)I got a strong feeling that this guy knows you from somewhere...

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  19. You're not a player, you're just being smart. It's all about keeping options open and finding the right partner. I can't think of a suitable metaphor at this hour but basically you have to sort through a lot of rocks to get to the diamond.

    Don't worry about it, you don't seem like a slut or player at all.

    Besides, you can always quote Will Smith - Don't hate the player, hate the game. ;)

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  20. Maybe u should try other approach. Let other seek you out. You should get the chance to enjoy life instead of seeking love. Maybe the time isnt right for you yet. However I`m sure it will still happen sooner or later.

    Keep it up

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  21. Anonymous1:17 am

    first, i would like to ask why did you date man when you didn't really like him? Men are human beings too, we have feelings just like you.

    Second, you won't find "the one" if you are dating around. Just concentrate on 1 man that you really have feeling with.

    If I saw a lady that date around and go with different guy every night, I just have 1 word "BITCH"

    Please look from men side, if your boyfriend date with other girls, will you support him or will you leave him?

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  22. Anonymous said...
    first, i would like to ask why did you date man when you didn't really like him? Men are human beings too, we have feelings just like you.
    ---

    But I did like him! Why on eath would i go out with someone I didn't like?! If I go out with someone, of course I want it to develop into a relationship. But this hasn't always been the case... because we have to date to figure out if we're compatible right...

    And people move at different speeds and have different ideals. So for instance, this one guy that I still like, hasn't given me signs or talked abt developing a relationship.. i.e. commitment. So what am I supposed to do???

    Just wait and give up on everyone else? Or worse still?? force him into commitment after dating him for 2 weeks?! HE will think I am crazy!

    So that is my problem.. so many dates but everyone at different speeds/ideals and not everyone speak their minds. So it's a guessing game... and so far I've been screwing a lot of opportunities up...

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  23. Hey, you are not a slut at all. They judge you based on how many guys you dated.

    But seriously, if you think about it, they might have already dated more girls then the guys you dated. If this makes you a slut, then does that makes them a super jerk?

    ^_^

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  24. Maybe you can tell the "stevo-or-whatever" - not everyone is so LUCKY like him to get to fall in love with ONE, and VERY LUCKY that the ONE also happens to fall in love with HIM, and SUPER LUCKY that they will lived happily everafter, or whatever.

    No one is to judge who you are, what you are.

    Be yourself.
    Be happy.
    Nothing matters more than that.
    Becos - it's your life.

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  25. I came across this online dictionary for prudes, people who belong in the 19th century and/or people with their heads so far up their asses, their heads actually look to be in the right place, and this was what they had for 'slut':

    slut - one who does not marry the first person they meet; one who dates more than three people in their lifetime, including cousins, aunts, life-size standees of movie stars stolen from Yangtze Cinema and imaginary people; one who actually has a social life beyond the internet; one whose best sexual experience is not with their hand (or fingers).

    For example:
    Stevo is not a slut.

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  26. not too hard on urself babe

    its just a comment .. plus how far does he noes u?

    mgawt .. i always believe that u urself knows urself more than anyone and u always noe wad is for u and wads rite for urself
    so keep doing wad u r doing :)

    xoxo

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  27. You are NOT a slut, Jean.

    *Hugs*

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  28. Anonymous4:43 pm

    Hey babe, I've been busy, so here's my two cents. First, to hell with Stevo, because he will never, never register on your finding THE ONE radar. Asshole.

    Second, there's absolutely nothing wrong with dating. Don't consider yourself unlucky until you are 40 and still unmarried.

    Unless you are not opposed to being match-made, everyone is entitled to date and find, with much effort, the one person to hold hands with for life.

    Whether or not a person chooses to find the right man or to make a man the right one is entirely based on choice, and neither is lesser than the other. Both are just as painful, testing, takes time and trial and error; fucking or no fucking involved.

    Love, NN

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  29. Farizan4:52 pm

    Why is it that when guys serial date, they're simply sowing their seeds and people rarely bat at eyelid at their actions but when girls do the same in an attempt to find the ONE, they're labelled as promiscuous?

    I've known Holly for years and I know that this girl will do anything for the friends she loves, what more for her boyfriend. It just so happens that she hasn't met the right one who is man enough to stand beside her as an equal. Guys like Stevo here gets intimidated by strong girls like her. Why? Maybe they're afraid of a girl who has more dating experiences than them.

    To these kinds of narrow-minded guys: GET OVER YOURSELVES.

    Hols, you have every right to date and choose the one who is best for you. And when you meet him, you will know. Keep your options open, girl. And hold your head up high.

    Luv ya,
    Farizan

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  30. :) THanks Girl.

    when u coming back to SG ? missing u .

    btw, do get back to me with details about the SGH thing so I can rant about it for ya.

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  31. Hugs holly hugs!

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  32. You are skanking around. Nothing wrong with that. If it sounds, looks like a duck, yeah it probably is a duck. Anyways, I'm not sure if your philosophy of elimination dating around is so good. Because it's like whoever wins the holly jean sweepstakes at the end of the show is the winner. You got to know what you want. Then try it out. If you are a good multitasker, maybe you can date multiple people at a time. But beware, its difficult to make good decisions when so many emotions are flying around.

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