Friday, August 08, 2008

In Defense Of Holly Jean

This is a follow up on In My Defense.

It's a contribution from my reader "T" who also wrote in to me with A Male Perspective On Dating, last month.
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It's T again - I just had to write a response and in defense of Holly.

In order to truly understand the nature of my post, I should probably provide a little bit of background about myself. I spent the first 18 years of my life in Asia - mostly Thailand, being surround by some uber conversative folks that always frowned upon dating. I then moved to the US for college and have been here for over 16 years now. Why is this relevant? It's relevant because I have spent my life around the both extremes of daters - the sluts and pimps as well as the "hey mom/dad, find me a wife please"

It's human for everyone to want to eventually find the right person, settle down, have some kids, a big house, etc. Here in the US, we call it "Living the American dream". Of course there are anomalies, monks, nuns, priests, psychos, etc. However while we all have this innate need to eventually get to the top of the mountain (the American dream I described, which I am pretty sure is a universal dream), we all also have the need to get the independant and wild spirit out of our system. By that I mean, getting the desire to be a wild and crazy being completely out of system. You may disagree with me on this, but EVERYONE has that desire in them and for some people it just does not come out until later on their lives - probably because they never got it out of their system to begin with. Go to Vegas someday and you will understand! You can't get it out unless you date!!! And date often!

Sure you could be a sexually repressed ultra conservative that is completely oblivious to the makings of a relationship and tends to look at things in a very binary fashion...aka, the sucker! Basically these are the folks that hold out, think that everyone has to be as pure and innocent as them and then they can live the cinderalla happily ever after life. If you know folks like that and they are married,talk to them in 10 years - I guarantee you they will be pretty miserable in their relationships but will continue to slug it out because that is how they are wired. I have friends that ended up with the first person they ever dated, and honestly I can tell - they are all miserable!

Dating isn't a game...it's a necessity - serially or parallell to really get to the finish line in meeting your soul mate. Dating is a weeding out process, not only for the person you want to end up with but also for yourself. Every person I have ever dated, good or bad, I have learnt something from - about the opposite gender but more so about myself and it makes me that much better in my next relationship. Dating has allowed me to get my mind and body oriented. I know myself a lot better now, I know what I want, what I need to improve on, I know what I can tolerate, what my compatibility requirements are, etc.

Now a nay-sayer may say, dating is stupid...the more people you date the more premiscuous you are. It your opinion and you are entitled to say that, but what is the end goal? The end goal is to be happy in the perceived American dream I described. Believe me, I know quite a few folks that have had arranged marriages, been pure in their lives, etc - and I would go out on a limb and say over 95% of them are miserable! They have nothing in common, their lives seem to be going through the motions where its more convenient then anything. I have know tons of friends that did not date much because they would take their time, hold out, etc. Unfortunately, they never learned how they would be in relationships and they too are unhappy. There is a reason ladies and gentlemen that divorce rates are sky-rocketing around the world! The ideal marriage is one where you are married to your best friend - looks are eventually going to wear out. I look at my mom and dad and there is NO WAY they can be physically attracted to each other, but they are best friends and can't imagine being without each other. If so, do you hold out for a good friend and avoid making friends with people? If so, you must be one socially introverted and lonely person.

Thank you Hollywood because courtesy of your sappy movies, people think "if it's meant to happen, it will". I call bullshit on that one - cuase honestly if that were the case I sit flat out my ass on a beach somewhere and miraculously my ideal mate, ideal job, a nice car, and shit load of money would just fall into my lap. Finding the right person like everything else requires work. Hence, you date, you keep dating until you find that one person where sparks fly! If it takes you 20 women (or men) to go through to get there, then that is how long it takes. And what generally happens isn't that you learn to settle as you keep moving further and further into the dating spiral, but you sometimes realize how dumb and idealistic your "necessary" lists are because you realize that you have the ability to tolerate and forgive a lot more then you probably realize. You are not going to find the right person if you don't go out looking for them.

So I say, Holly - utmost respect to you. Don't change a thing and your approach. Yes, you have dated a few men, but you have not settled - and that is what matters the most. You have taken the whole issue into your own hands to make it happen and if the guy you end up with can't respect that - then I say fuck 'em!


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Haha.. but T.. if I did "fuck 'em" then I would really be a slut :)

And don't worry, I was a little sad that Stevo had that impression of me, but I am not mortally wounded or anything like that. I just had to blog about it because I needed to clear things up a bit, just incase a real Mr Right out there misunderstands my blog and gets put off too.

I thank you all for your concern and support.

I love to hear from readers, be it bad stuff or good. Keep them coming!

8 comments:

  1. "And don't worry, I was a little sad that Stevo had that impression of me, but I am not mortally wounded or anything like that."

    I feel so cheated. I genuinely thought you were on the brink of your window and that my words of wisdom were exactly what you needed to reel you back in.

    Next time, I'll just write thinly-veiled sarcastic comments for the sake of amusement.

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  3. You have got a lot of catching up to do in terms of dating like a slut. Please read. Might make you feel a lot better about yourself.

    http://www.tuckermax.com/archives/entries/date/tucker_has_moment_of_reflection_ends_poorly.phtml#282

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  4. haha.. yash.. even if i were THAT promiscuous.. I wldn't reveal it on my public blog now would I....

    Kidding.

    Thanks for sending ur love Saiful! :)

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  5. dear holly jean,
    FIrst of all, thanks a lot for giving me a nang for my posting regarding how i met my wife. i really appreciate it. I guess i was lucky enough to meet the right person as I don't go out to socialize.
    Again thanks for the nang. You are cordially welcome to visit my blog in www.hippocrates1976.com. Perhaps you can drop me a line at drwan76@yahoo.com.
    Regards,
    chee hung

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  6. Mr Black8:25 pm

    Dating is just a legitimate excuse to fuck around. But thats not always the case, and Holly, you are not one of the case. So don't worry :)

    I mean, how many of our parents actually did "DATE" (read: Fuck) around before settling down and getting married for more than an odd 20 to 30 years giving birth to us kids and at the same time work hard and give us everything so that we can sit down here infront of our coms writing and replying to topics like this based on our world-class education acquired from our parents' hard work.

    Is any of our parents in a way, think lesser of each other now? No right?

    I say its because people are getting their priorities all wrong. Holly, you once said that girls shouldn't keep falling for players because "no matter how much you think you are going to be the one that finally change him, it wouldn't be you, at least not permanent anyway."

    Nowadays, "dating" is just a pathetic excuse for guys who cannot control their carnal desire and yet look good and intellectual at the same time.

    If you have an enemy who is much better than you in everyway, but somehow her bf dumped her for you, and the cause is because you are more submissive. He chose you over her because you aren't as good as her. Will you want that?

    Though based on what I see, I still believe your case is genuine and you are not promiscuious (however you spell it).

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