Wednesday, December 17, 2014

My Sad News



It has taken the greater part 2014 to finally get pregnant.

Unfortunately, instead of having good news to share with everyone in a few weeks (I would have shared the news once past the risky first 10 wks)... instead my announcement is earlier than planned and it's bad news.
Every cycle, I would symptom spot during the luteal phase (that's the 2WeekWait from the time of ovulation to getting your period or getting positive pregnancy test). Only it's worse for me because I have a longer than usual luteal phase (17 days) so it's a 2 and a half week wait ... always hopeful, but always faced with negative pregnancy tests which were freaking snow white where the second pink pregnant line should be. I've honestly never seen any space whiter, it's like bleached. And then I start bleeding like clockwork 17 days after ovulation.

This cycle, during my routine pee on a stick habit, I was about to throw a HPT (home pregnancy test) in the bin (I'm so used to Big Fat Negatives that I don't even wait 5- 10 minutes for the results anymore... I just wait for maybe a minute, and if it's negative, I chuck it out).... well anyway, I was about to throw it in the bin (so used doing that, it's like reflex action)... when I saw a second pink line.

It was a faint positive. So faint that I couldn't take a clear photo of it.

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!! A Jubilee baby due in July 2015!!!
Then right after David left Singapore (5 day work trip) about 2 weeks ago, I had a sharp pain on my right side (of the uterus? Well, some where there). It only lasted a minute or two. And I thought oh, finally a symptom! Because this cycle, I had no symptoms at all, no cramps, no heartburn and my stomach was like flatter than it's been in the last 7 months... and yet I was pregnant! (All my previous months I would have all sorts of symptoms and was never ever pregnant lol)

An hour later, I went to pee and saw a small spot of pinkish blood on the tissue when I wiped. Then nothing.

The next afternoon, I started spotting ... like brown sticky stuff. I read online that this was old blood and nothing to worry about. The day after that, it was red spotting, fresh red blood. So I went to my gynea and had a quantitative Beta HCG which detects the level of HCG in my blood.

That same afternoon, the nurse rang to say that my beta level was only 16 (when it should be over 100 at this point). Maybe it's not a viable pregnancy or maybe I implanted late (HCG only starts forming after the embryo implants, so maybe I only implanted very recently), just have another Beta to check that the number doubles every 2 days. I should have known it wasn't a case of late implantation, because I had my positive HPT (detects HCG in urine) at home a week ago and it was already faint positive then. But I was clinging on to whatever hope I could get, so I wanted to believe.. yes maybe late implantation, and my HCG number will start doubling from now on!

2 days later it's 28. So almost double. We were expecting it to go down towards zero (to signal the end of the pregnancy). But the doctor says even with this rise in HCG, my level at this point (start of week5) is still way too low. I was given progesterone suppositories and had to return on Monday (that's another 2 days later) to see if HCG numbers double. Doctor expected the number to drop.  

It was even harder being alone through this downward spiral week. I put on a brave front but I was really struggling, barely made it out of the building before I just burst into tears. Then it was just a sad teary walk back home.

That Friday, David was at the airport on his way back to Singapore when I broke the news that the doctor said the pregnancy would not be viable. He was very sad.

We spent the weekend accepting fate, and on Monday morning I went for my blood test again. Just expecting the HCG to plummet to zero, and it's all over, we can start trying again.

To my surprise, the HCG level more than doubled to 77. The doctor didn't expect it to rise. He said it could be that the placenta (? or something like that, I didn't listen properly because I could hardly breathe) did not attach to the uterine lining properly and sometimes when there is a gap, I will bleed. So he gave me a PIO injection to support the pregnancy in the off chance that it was indeed viable (that's a progesterone shot in the butt muscle).

I think this is the worse thing to happen, because it gave us such false hope. Because my HCG went up, I rang David at work and told him the 'good' news. We were cautiously optimistic. Plus I started actually getting symptoms like I now have visible green veins from my boobs to my collar bone. I had another blood test scheduled a week later and if my number jumped to 1000, we would be almost on track.

All this while, I was still spotting blood. Then the day after that progesterone shot, I passed a big clot. At first I thought it was a blood clot, which would be bad news ... but upon closer inspection ... it was worse. It wasn't a blood clot. It looked like a gestational sac. It was like a tiny deflated bubble/balloon. The texture of it was like raw chicken skin (but much thinner) ... like some sort of membrane tissue. Then an hour after that I passed some actual clots, looked like tiny slithers of raw liver.

Right after that, my spotting completely stopped. After the third day of no spotting at all, I thought YAY! Maybe this is going to be okay! But then I recalled the membrane looking clot I passed out, and had a sad feeling like maybe I miscarried already and that's why the spotting stopped.

I rang David at work to update him about my worry and he suggested using a HPT (home pregnancy test) to see if I was still pregnant. If I had miscarried it would be negative now right?

I thought it was a good idea. So I used the Clear Blue digital pregnancy test as there's no faint lines to second guess on those. It just tells you if you're pregnant or not. I just never used them before because they're expensive (about $18 a pop) and I always thought to myself, that it would be crushing to see the words NOT PREGNANT. So I never did a digital test before, until now.
It turned out PREGNANT! I was still pregnant! Yayyyyyyy! So I took a photo and sent it to David.

I tried my best to be realistic. But I think David was much more hopeful and positive about it then me (so it's a very big loss to him now).  :(

So the week passed, and I went for my blood test. Please God if this can be a healthy baby, let the HCG number reach over 700 (that would mean normal doubling every 2 days)... but if this will end in miscarriage anyway, please let my HCG drop instead of continuing in this limbo, the HCG beta roller coaster.

It went down to 50.

The doctor was still unhappy with this number as he wants to see it go down to Zero (or at least under 5) to indicate a complete miscarriage (otherwise there could be leftover tissue which can cause problems and need a D&C or worse still ectopic). So I have to go back next Monday for (hopefully the final) blood test. Meanwhile, I have to stop the progesterone support. Will update you next week. It's been so hard keeping all this to myself, I'm relieved to finally share it.

Plus yesterday David flew back to Scotland. I bought the tickets for him a while ago (before all this started happening) thinking it would be a nice Christmas treat for him since he has not been back for Xmas in like 7 years. I didn't get tickets for myself, because $$$ and also because I want to stay here as my loved ones here are not well. 

Good thing I didn't go, I feel awful. I just want to grieve on my own. And also if I were there I would be worried about the bleed that's coming, not sure how bad a miscarriage bleed is going to be (???).

Some friends have asked - What did you do?! You ate pineapple is it? Must be your womb is weak? etc. Please la, go educate yourself about chemical pregnancies and early miscarriages. It's not like I bungee jumped or smoked or drank and caused this loss. I've been eating healthy (yes pre natal vitamins and folic acid included) since before getting pregnant and was on bed rest after the first HCG result. When there is an abnormality of the embryo like missing chromosomes, the body will spontaneously abort it instead of continuing with the pregnancy. There's nothing I can do to stop that or cause it.

Also, a friend asked me out last week and I said I couldn't cos I'm in the middle of a miscarriage and on bed rest. To that he replied that his friend's dog (not even his dog ah) just died too, he's soooo sad. I know many people would think... only 6 weeks plus pregnant, so it's not really losing a baby. But no need to compare the level of grief you feel when someone else lost their dog la. It's a bit insensitive. So, if you don't know what to say, it's ok, just say sorry to hear that. Or don't say anything at all, that's ok too.

----------------------
I've been wanting to start a family for so long. After we got married, I still had to wait (grudgingly!) for more than a year before David agreed to stop using contraception and try for a baby. That was an awfully long wait as it was.

Then when we started trying to conceive in late April this year, the dumb optimist in me even expected to be one of those lucky few who would conceive in the first month of trying. Didn't happen. Yet, every month, I would buy a thing or two for our future baby. 
Here is my baby stash under the guestroom bed. The Tommee Tippee bottles were the first baby purchase I ever made, in early May this year. They were cheaper in UK (disgustingly cheap, like 4 sg dollars?). David doesn't know (I never told him because early May was still just within our first cycle of trying to conceive, a bit nuts to buy milk bottles right). I bought them when I was walking about on my own then snuck them back to Singapore in my suitcase. lol.

Now at the end of 2014, my baby stash has 2 pairs of little tartan shoes (one pair laced up and one pair velcro strapped), a cute cloth diaper, rompers, some toys, insulated bag and even an Ergo baby carrier along with some other stuff. Although I was tempted on many occasions, I didn't go ahead and buy things like Prams and bouncers!

My rationale for this baby stash is that when the day finally comes, I won't have to spend a bomb because I would have slowly collected all that I need. Don't know why I bother because I would probably get baby sponsors for these stuff. The truth is I just really enjoyed buying these things in happy anticipation.

But for now I'm going to STOP buying baby stuff, because maybe I'm jinxing it. And also, I think I'm tipping over that point where the hoarding of baby stuff while childless is getting to a crazy level.

What if miscarriage happens again? A couple months ago we found out that David has okay sperm count and okay motility but bad morphology (less than 1% normal) ... will our embryos always fail to progress normally and keep miscarrying? Maybe because I'm already 34, I'm creating defective eggs? I've had all other fertility tests done this year, and it's all clear. The one thing they can't see is the quality of eggs. I do have a high ovarian reserve though (seen through ultrasound) so that's good, at least I'm not running out of eggs.

Is it just a game of odds? I've never had luck gambling. :(

If you have had a chemical pregnancy or early miscarriage and gone on to have a healthy pregnancy shortly after, please share your experience with me. I could really do with some positivity right now.

I still have to get through blood tests to see if my Beta HCG levels drop back to zero, before my body will just expel everything in a really clotty, crampy, bloody period. Such is life.
Baby dust to all those trying to conceive.

And the most gentle goodbye kisses to this baby in me that we won't have a chance to meet. See you on the other side of the rainbow. xx xx

53 comments:

  1. Dear Holly

    I can feel your pain throughout the post and i can only hope and wish that everything will turn out okay for you. In the main time, do stay positive and happy as it is better for the body to heal.

    God bless you and take care

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    1. Thank you Michelle for your kind words .

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  2. Anonymous7:22 pm

    Dear Holly,

    I teared as I read your post. Stay strong and positive. You will be blessed.

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  3. Anonymous7:51 pm

    I know someone who miscarried twice in a year and have now given birth to a healthy baby boy. She was 35. Stay positive. Keep trying. It will all be worth it eventually.

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    1. Thanks for sharing positive stories. I need it! :)

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  4. Hi Holly,

    I read your post with so much familiarity..

    Found out I was pregnant in April, straight after the honeymoon. Hub and I were overjoyed - our first baby. Visited the gynae, presumably in my 8th week, alone (hub couldn't get away from his work) and it proved to be a really bad choice.

    The gestation sac was measuring only 5 weeks, instead of 8, and no fetal pole (ie baby) was seen. Like you, I had to go through the brutal anticipation of having bloodwork done, measuring hcg levels, religiously eating progesterone etc. My hcg levels never did double and to cut the story short, the pregnancy was diagnosed to be a case of blighted ovum, ie not viable. It was devastating because there and then, I was still going through the "symptoms", the painful boobs and so on. My body simply had no clue the pregnancy was not viable. Just plain cruel, if u ask me.

    After two painful months of waiting, I finally had d&c done to remove the empty sac. Thereafter, I spent many weeks grieving for the loss of the baby I was never destined to have. It was a difficult time and have lost count the number of times I break down in tears, blaming myself for the loss (I am 33).

    But Holly, the real message I really want to share with you is this: Don't let this experience bring u down. There can be sunshine after the rain.

    Today, I am about 20 weeks into the pregnancy, yep I conceived shortly (first cycle after d&c) for the second time after the procedure. Hub and I are elated of cos, and cautiously optimistic abt our rainbow baby. Still have my own fears to battle with but that's another story.

    I hope you are able to find some encouragement in this not-very-short note (I hardly do this but this post really struck a chord in me). Sticky baby dust to you, Holly..

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    1. Sorry for your loss. And congrats on this ptegnancy, wish you a healthy and happy full term!

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  5. Anonymous11:04 pm

    Your post struck a deep chord in me... keeping you in prayer. Stay strong and positive... hugs..

    If I may share my story.. it took me a very long stressful time to conceive as well. Perhaps it was the job stress...I miscarried four times before finally getting pregnant at 36 (my hubby was 45yrs old then). We were of cos over the moon when our son was born... but the story doesn't end there.. Unfortunately my son is autistic. Don't get me wrong - he is the light of our lives and our angel. But I worry about his future especially when my hubby and I pass away. As I learn more about autism and how it's more prevalent in births from older parents (especially dads who are older), I can't help but wonder at my past single mindedness to get pregnant... children can strengthen or break up a marriage, what more a child with disabilities.

    My point in sharing my story is not to negate the pain you are going through.. your pain is very real and personal. Just try to stay positive and in time after grieving, do not forget your marriage. Personally, i do not see children as the the end all and be all to a union. The less stress we women place on ourselves, the better.. and perhaps things would fall in place...
    I hope that in time you'll be well and strengthened. Take care.

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    1. Omg you have been through a lot. ;(

      Thank you for sharing your story. Hugs

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  6. Anonymous11:08 pm

    Hi Holly, all the best and stay strong yeah... We are rooting for you!

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  7. Anonymous11:27 pm

    best of luck to you Holly! keeping you in my prayers.

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  8. Anonymous12:28 am

    Hi holly,
    I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. I have been there myself,twice and I know how much it hurts. Hang in there, it will pass.

    We started trying for a second child when our first turned three.
    The first pregnancy was a positive on the test kit and a visit to the gynae showed it was in the early stages, no sac could be seen in the scan. Went home and started spotting. Thought it was normal as i spotted throughout the first tri of my first pregnancy. It eventually became heavy flow and it was as if I had a period. Gynae confirmed it was an early miscarriage.
    Couple of months later, we found out I got pregnant again,this time, we didn't dare to put in too much hope and took extra precautions like not lift/ carry heavy things, rest as much as I could, but alas, same as before, it all bled out before we could even see a sac.
    By the third time we got pregnant, we didn't dare to accept it till we passed the first tri. I didn't know how long I'd stay pregnant. I was again spotting and was on hormonal support in the form of a pill and through injections twice a week throughout the first trimester.
    I eventually gave birth to a healthy, albeit small boy afree 37 weeks.
    My subsequent pregnancy was a much smoother one.
    Every pregnancy is different. Like you said, it could be nature's way of eliminating abnormal chromosomes. Survival of the fittest.
    Don't give up hope.

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    1. Wow you miscarried Twice in a row. I love that your story has a happy ending to it but I don't think I am strong enough to face miscarriage again with no guarantee of a future success

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  9. Anonymous12:28 am

    Hi Holly

    You are a very brave lady to share this experience with us. Most importantly, I think it signifies you have come to terms with the situation and is ready to move on - good for you!

    Chin up - I think its actually good news to know that you can get pregnant and can do so within just one year of trying! Many couples tried for many years. Its all about probability and chances - just keep trying and one day you will hit the jackpot!

    Dont lose heart, chin up and look forward to a better new year!

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    1. Thanks.
      I guess its true that I'm quite lucky to get pregnant within a year of trying, and many do try for years and years. I just hope it doesn't take me another 7-8 months to be lucky again. The wait is horrible

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  10. Holly Jean, do not give up trying. When it's time for you to concieve, you will start to grow another human in your womb.

    Be strong and if you have a particular faith, praying is always in order. Even if you are not religious but believe in a creator, praying for help is good!

    Best wishes for a family and Merry Christmas to your and David

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    1. Thank you , David. I will heed you kind advice.

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  11. Hi Holly, sorry to hear this. My first pregnancy did not start out smooth, and I was freaking out on every spotting I had. So I can understand how you feel :)

    Be strong and have faith. I also stressed myself out to get pregnant once we started trying. But I realised, once I stop expecting anything, I was pregnant.

    :) Praying for you.

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  12. Anonymous10:05 am

    Hi Holly,
    I got pregnant with my first child really easily, in fact she was a bit of a surprise, so when we started trying for the second, I hoped it would be as painless.
    We started trying around mid 2012 and every month the same as you with the pregnancy tests. It was so disheartening. Then finally I got a positive result in Dec, just before Christmas! We were so excited, it was a lovely Chrostmas present to have and all through the season we enjoyed this little blessing that we were going to receive.
    Just after the new year I went for my second checkup... The first visit had confirmed the pregnancy with a urine test. My husband was away and I was there with my 2 and a half year old, who already knew she was going to have a baby brother or sister. And the doc told me that she could see the sac but no foetus. I couldn't understand it at first. I went through the same cycle of hopes being raised as you did especially after too much googling of similar cases that had turned out positive.
    My doctor wanted to do a d&c almost immediately (i was at week 6) but I was stubborn and carried on till week 9, even getting a second opinion in the process, till I finally realised that there really was no longer any hope.
    I had a d&c in jan to clear all the remaining tissue, since the pregnancy sac was still there. The doctor said to rest for 3 months before trying again and I'm happy to tell you that on Mothers' Day 2013 I found out I was pregnant again. My baby boy was born 5 days before Christmas, a year to the day that I'd found out I was pregnant with the failed pregnancy. I started 2013 full of despair and sadness, the hardest part for me was when my little daughter kept asking about the "baby in mama's stomach" it was so difficult to explain to her as she couldn't understand.
    But the end of 2013 was completely different as we celebrated our healthy baby boy.
    Just wanted to share this with you to let you know that it is definitely possible to have a healthy pregnancy after a chemical pregnancy... And perhaps the d&c helped to clear the way for a successful implantation.
    Hugs and prayers for you xoxo

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    1. Congratulations! I'm happy to hear your story

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  13. Anonymous9:35 am

    Hi Holly,
    Been reading your blog for awhile but it's the first time I'm leaving a comment.
    I too had a non-viable pregnancy in August/September last year. The two weeks of being in and out of the OB clinic was a horrible time and really an emotional roller coaster. The bleeding after is somewhat similar to a menstral bleed but much heavier. I didn't opt for a D&C. I was really sad as I was already 35 then and we have tried for so many years. To me, it didn't seem possible that I would ever have a baby.
    The months after the miscarriage I took particular care of myself, eating healthily, including taking some tcm tonics and also multi-vits that aid conception. I conceive again in Dec last year much to my surprise. When I tested with the home kit, it didn't give me a faint line like the previous time, the result was seen almost immediately!
    So don't give up hope and take good care of yourself meanwhile.

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    1. Congratulations! I love happy endings

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  14. Hey Holly so sad to read this. I've been trying to conceive for a long time now but no good news yet. Recently have resorted to going to a doctor to check if my husband and I are medically healthy. Totally understand the fear and anticipation while waiting for the test results from the clinic. I was so worried I wasn't ovulating that I broke down (it was the 2nd last day to test). Luckily everything was ok in the end.

    My friend told me that everything happens for a reason and perhaps I wasn't ready to have a baby yet. It wasn't my time yet. It makes sense really. Maybe your body is trying to tell you you're not ready yet. Not now. But you will be. These matters can't be rushed.


    I know it's hard to resist but you should stop buying baby stuff before you're pregnant. My friend told me it's a taboo (which I had no idea).

    Don't lose hope Holly! The most important thing right now is to let your body heal and try again when you're ready. Who knows, you may be pleasantly surprised next year! Baby dust to you too!

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    1. Yah I think buying the baby stuff is a bad idea and a shitty reminder each month of BFN.

      Hugs. Good luck in ttc next year. Be strong Mei

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  15. Anonymous2:13 pm

    Hi Holly

    First time I chanced upon your webby. Like the others said, do not lose hope! I lost my baby at 13 weeks last year. She went away quietly, heartbeat just stopped when I went for my routine check at week 13.
    Unexplainable as I delivered a healthy baby boy 2 years back. So ya, sometimes fate plays a part. Try again soon! They say trying within 3 mths after D&C will get preggie real soon.

    All the best!

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    1. I also heard that after miscarriage a lot of ppl get pregnant very fast. But I don't think will be the case for me as our problem is male factor (because of the sever morphology issues).., so yeah I'm still worried abt that

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  16. tiffi2:59 pm

    Hello Holly,
    I read today news with a sulken heart. i sincerely hope you conceive again and you know what my dear, your problem is not like uncommon and many times i heard they conceive again! surely now is a downfall but very soon, you conceive again. most importantly pick yourself up, recover well and like you said take all the time you want to grieve your own without those insensitive bastard. it's your time alone taking thing slowly and regain your joy ..very soon you will post "today i have a happy news"
    just know, please know you have many readers who love who you are.
    please also believe you will conceive soon...who knows 2015 is a baby year! definitely i'm rooting for you, i totally love how positive, hilarious you are and i wish the best for you!
    love
    tiffany

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    1. Thanks for the encouragement Tiffany and I really do hope I can say "today I have happy news!" One day soon

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  17. Kai Ling4:02 pm

    Hi Holly,

    I think I can feel your pain and feel sad for you... I was preg with my no.2 in Jan this year, went for a check up and doc could hear the heartbeat when the foetus was 6 weeks old. Went back for a follow up 2 weeks later and we can't find the heartbeat anymore. Went through the blood test like you and my HCG levels was much lower than expected so did a D&C. I felt so guilty about it as I was thinking if I have done anything wrong/inappropriate during the pregnancy.

    Six months down the road, I'm preg again. Now i'm in my 20th week and hopefully, i will give birth to a healthy child like my no.1. So do stay positive even if it doesn't work out this time.

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  18. Anonymous6:48 pm

    Hi Holly

    I am sorry to hear about your news. Hope that this sadness will pass with time.

    My husband also had poor sperm, and the doctor determined that it was so severe the only way of conceiving was IVF. It took a long time for my husband to get over his bruised ego but eventually he did and gave it his best shot. Unfortunately the first pregnancy was a miscarriage at 10 weeks.

    It was the worst thing in my life, ever. I felt like disappearing from the world. It was lucky I had some very good friends to turn to. Without them I would probably be depressed still. I hope u have strong support from your loved ones. They will help you through this period.

    Lastly, I wanted to just say that u are really brave to share this. Miscarriage is so stigmatised in Sg (and I have no idea why!). In fact, when I told others about my situation, suddenly I found out that almost every girlfriend that had kids had a miscarriage. They just didn't want to make it publicly known. And I could sort of understand why because the woman gets blamed for doing random things like eating pineapples or bananas or squatting. I want you to know that it is totally not your fault. Like what you said, the embryo may not be chromosomally normal. As a mother, you would want the best for your child and the best option is to let him/her go now rather than to suffer.

    I wish you all the best. I am 4 months pregnant now. Do know that there are people out there who understand what you are going through and don't give up.

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    1. Hi dear if you see this, can please email me at hollyjean69@gmail.com. ? Need to ask u more abt the severity of the sperm problem

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  19. Anonymous1:47 am

    Hi Holly, read your post with a heavy heart. wish i could offer you a hug!

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  20. Anonymous2:05 pm

    Hi Holly, so sad in reading your post. I don't really know what to say. Just hope you remain positive and that you and your hubby will be blessed always.

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  21. Anonymous11:38 am

    http://www.calebwilde.com/2014/10/on-sharing-the-silent-grief-of-miscarriage/

    I hope this helps.

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  22. Chloe2:17 pm

    Baby dust with you, Holly! *hugs*

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  23. Hi Holly... felt inclined to leave u a message here... I have also been trying for my #2 child for a year already.... my husband has male factor (mfi) as well. Can totally understand how u feel cuz it's extremely frustrating to see red again and again and again, month after month. I did 3 iuis already... failed the first 2 and on the tww for my third one. If this is a wash as well, will be going for ivf next year. The good news is since u got pregnant despite the miscarriage, u probably don't need ivf. Just keep trying and don't give up! Big big hugs to you.

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  24. My dear Holly, Im so so sorry to hear this :(
    I rem our conversations about conceiving and I know in my heart that you very much wanted to keep this baby. I just want to tell u that there was nothing u did or could have done wrong so please dun beat yourself up over it (and ignore ppl who try to give u weird advice, there might be more to come so shuddup u all.)
    All I can say is that God has better plans for you in future and I will def be praying for you and sending you all the love.
    The good news is that you are still young (pleaseee, 30s is the new 20s!) so please dun u ever give up trying, if not I will personally knock ur head..!!
    Love u, hugs xo and I will be eagerly waiting to hear your good news soon becoz I believe in you ok!!!
    Baby dust to everyone~

    p.s I went to Thomson TCM's "Healthy Uterus for Pregnancy" acupuncture sessions and Im not sure if it works but it might help with your overall body condition if you are open to exploring TCM :)
    Here's the link if you need : http://www.thomsonchinesemedicine.com/paediatric_massage.aspx?sid=13

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  25. Anonymous6:19 am

    Holly, I totally understand ur loss. I went through the same emotional cycle. Nurse urself to recovery now, come next year u be brave to keep trying. My babe was conceived 4months after. I think it's just harder for ladies who are slim to get pregnant, no offense. If u care to try, my parents in law who tried 18 years to give my hubs a sister tried everything they could/heard. My fil had the same issue of poor morphology. IVF also didn't work for them. Finally, they (I think it's my fil) took this Chinese herb called dong chong xia cao (not sure what it's called in English) and it worked immediately. They have been promoting it like salesmen ever since. Give it a try? :) good luck holly! I know u will get there one day. I myself am pregnant again, and I commented excitedly earlier if u were preggers. I'm certain it will happen for u, maybe just not this time. I dreamt up my girl since I was 15, i wanted to be a mom so badly. It was hard when the first didn't work out. But I told myself, god didn't think that one egg was the one whom id dreamt up hence the loss. You will get there. Rest well holly!

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  26. Anonymous6:36 am

    Stop buying the babe stuff too! It's jinx!!! I bought one and maybe it jinxed my first time on hindsight. Box them seal them keep them away!

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  27. Anonymous9:12 pm

    dear holly, do stay strong!!! may u get pregnant soon!!! all the best~~
    - tricia

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  28. Anonymous9:41 am

    went through it twice.. once even when we heard baby's heartbeat... the pain still lingers in my heart now every single time I see my 11 month old baby girl now... stay hopeful.. everything happens for a reason... *hugs*

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  29. Anonymous7:16 pm

    Dear Holly,

    Im sorry to hear about your loss. God forbid, I have never expereince miscarriage before. But.. i know how it feels like to try so hard, wait and only end up being disspointed.

    I have been married for 5 good years. My other half is a blessing from above. But at times, our house does seem quiet.. too quiet in fact. It has always been my dream to have a kid to call my own. we both went for our checks and are very much on the right track. But i guess... God has better plans for me and my husband. Sometimes, God wants us to be more patient and be more appreciative of our life before He gives you another. Sometimes He too didnt give you want you desire the most coz He knows it may hurt you later. So i guess, for now, I should learn to appreciate what i have in life. :)

    You are such a strong person. So dont ever give up ok? things always happen for a reason. A good reason. *tellytubby hugs*


    Wardah Ahmad

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  30. Anonymous2:06 am

    Hi Holly, sorry for your loss *hugs*
    Please stay strong and positive! :)

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  31. Anonymous9:54 pm

    I suffered a miscarriage at 5th month and i was expecting twins. I kept having infection and hospitalised 6 times within 4 months. On the 5th month, my water bag burst. And this happened in Nov this year. I believe our babies are angels now. Guess have to stay positive

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  32. Vivian7:30 pm

    So sorry to hear your loss. :( Really very sad. I hope you are feeling better and hope you conceive again really quick. Best of luck.

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  33. Anonymous10:02 pm

    Oh Holly, this post made me so sad. I went through or rather, am going through the painful process of trying to conceive and failing each time. I don't know how long I can keep telling myself to keep trying ...

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  34. hi holly i just have a miscarriage 4 days ago. would like to ask how long after miscarriage to try again? and is there any particular vitamin that i need to take?

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    Replies
    1. If no drugs were used u can start trying straight away.

      For mine, my hcg never went down to zero on its own and this turned out to be ectopic. I had to have a chemical injection called Methortexate to abort the ectopic pregnancy.

      After this methotrexate, cannot conceive for 3 months (cos baby can have defects if conceived while this chemical in my body).

      But if Not drugs used and it's just a natural miscarriage, u can start trying again straight away.

      No special vitamins to take for this but I was always taking black mores conceive well. Throughout. Before this ectopic pregnancy and also Until I got pregnant again.

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  35. Anonymous1:44 am

    hi holly thanks for the reply
    because i have take the d&c to abort the pregnancy.will try to find the vitamin. and wait for a month before i try again..

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