Tuesday, May 20, 2014

You Seem to Have Lost Your Manners, Darling

I just saw this picture on my Facebook news feed yesterday and I shared it on my wall. It struck a chord in me because it reminded me of how pissed off I got just last weekend.

We were in Aberdeen having drinks, and one of his friends joined us. After which they decided we should go to Ma Maison... a ten minute walk away. But as we got onto the street, one of their friends drove past so he gave us a lift there.

His friend got in the front seat, leaving the back seat for us (makes sense cos we are a couple). My husband opens the door, gets in, leaving me outside. Then he couldn't scoot all the way in because there was a child seat. So he sat there trying to remove the child seat. And the driver turned and said to me - you'll have to get in from the other side. I fling my bag in my husband's lap, and ran over to the other side to get in.

I was pissed off because my husband got in before me.... and then after realising he could not scoot all the way in, instead of offering me his seat, he just sat there and let me go onto the road side of the car to get in.

I don't know why this shocked me. It shouldn't really, because he's hardly ever held a car/taxi door open for me. Why was I expecting this time to be any different?

He realised I was mad, and I told him (not that loudly, cos we were in his friend's car) that it was shit of him to not let me in the car first. Then he got pissed off with me, saying something like.. don't start this Holly. And I didn't, I let it slide, even though inside I was really pissed off.

I have told him about this in the past, when he opens the taxi door and dives in before me leaving me to get in and shut the door behind us. I've told him it's ungentlemanly. And he always had excuses... I had to get in fast there's traffic behind us. You're wearing a dress so it's difficult for you to scoot in (bullshit, because even when I wear jeans he does it). Then when he doesn't have an excuse, he just gets angry at me for raising the issue and I drop it. Not worth a battle because his temper is a lot worse than mine.

We got into taxis a few more times that evening in Aberdeen... to go to the Albyn, and then to Soul bar and then to get home. And sure enough, he got in the taxi first again and again. I think he forgot because he was a bit boozy at that time. But each time he did it, it just added to this ball of hate within me.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable. If he were driving, I don't expect him to open the passenger side of the door first to let me in and shut it before walking over to the driver's side to get in. I don't expect or ask for this at all. ( Although, one of my exBf's.. GB the Hungarian one... always went over to my side to open the door even when he was driving). I just think that if we are BOTH going to enter through that same door and sit in the back seat, that the man should let the lady in first. Am i being unreasonable here?

Anyway, his friends who just met me in those bars that night must have thought I was a right sour bitch. I wasn't kicking up a shit storm or anything like that, I was just less sociable and less smiley. All I wanted from when I raised the issue in the first instance that night, was for him to just say Sorry darling, I wasn't thinking. But instead he got mad. And then he forgot about it and kept repeating the mistake ( he wasn't doing it on purpose to spite me, he just did it out of habit... and lack of manners).

On our last taxi ride home that night, when he opened the taxi door and jumped in first (I'm souding like a broken record aren't I) ... I got in after him and I just didn't shut the door. I sat there, nonchalantly. When he realised the door wasn't shut and we were not moving off. Then I turned to him and said, oh darling, if you get in first, then how are you going to shut the door? Then he said sheepishly, that it was too far for him to reach over. So I just sighed and shut the door. I think he got the message that time but based on past experiences with him and this 'issue' I'm sure it will soon be forgotten.

I find it so odd that he's like that... because his father is a gentleman. And my husband is actually quite the gentleman when it comes to most other things. Just not this.

So the next time this happens... I think I will just leave the door open after he has jumped in... and just walk to the other side of the taxi and get in the passenger side next to the driver. Then just keep reapeating this everytime he does not let me in the back seat of the taxi first. Or should I just let this issue go and just accept that when it comes to taxis, he always gets in first... and whenever I can, just appreciate the chivalry of other men opening car doors for me.

What do you think? Is this shutting car doors for ladies a dated concept already? Should   I still  insist on it or am I just putting my marriage on a fast track to disaster?

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18 comments:

  1. lol reminds me of myself and the countless times my girl got upset with me.

    sometimes, in the back of the car i'd put my bag neatly away to make more space for myself - on her side.

    which she'll just look at me in disbelief and ask me "do you just realize what you did?" lol. of course, we'll joke and laugh about it, and she'll replay the scene to me to show me how "scumbag" i was. yep, that's the term we'll always use whenever i unconsciously become ungentlemanly.

    trust me, we guys do some of these ungentlemanly or scumbag stuff without thinking and we'll never understand why our ladies get upset.

    however, it's not a dead end. it takes some learning and some drilling before we actually learn how to habitually be more of a gentleman. just, make the learning fun! :)

    good luck!

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  2. Holly Jean, Your husband's manners are poor and he needs a reminder that you are his wfe and should have better manners for you than anyone else.

    He needs to remember these most important words in a marriage.
    Please.
    Thank you
    I am sorry.

    His lack of manners is disturbing. Also disturbing is that you knew this before you married him.

    For some advice go to:

    http://www.foryourmarriage.org/stages-of-growth-in-marriage/

    http://bustedhalo.com/features/after-the-wedding-6-tips-for-being-better-prepared-for-marriage



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  3. Anonymous7:27 pm

    does he normally help to open doors for you to go through first? i'm wondering why a car door is an exception...

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    Replies
    1. yup shopping mall doors etc are fine. Its just car doors (and MRT too.. he will go in first, dont care if i get jammed by the door after him or what lol)

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  4. Think about it, if guys are gentlemanly then automatic doors wouldn't be invented cos the bf or husband will be there to open it, what if the guys happen to not be there? Many great innovations happened cos guys are lazy and ungentlemanly :)

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  5. Anonymous2:48 am

    @David... you mentioned : "His lack of manners is disturbing. Also disturbing is that you knew this before you married him."

    Frankly the lack of manners in this aspect does not make an unsuitable husband unworthy of marrying isn't it? If the guy remembers her birthday and anniversaries, cares for her parents, provides for the family, brings her wife for vacations once in a while etc - these are great qualities to marry to isn't it.

    Don't you think every human has their blindspots and poor habits like for example - laziness, or sarcasm or selfishness. Do you have them? Are all your close and loved ones completely free from any blindspots and poor habits?

    I get it that the guy in the blog has ungentlemanly manners. That does not makes him bad or offensive. I known worse husbands who lived off their wives and mistreated them horribly - and definitely this husband is nowhere near there. Having said my piece, I have lots of kind regards to the blogger Holly and wish you all the best ...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous1:17 pm

      this reply should be used against Anonymous9:40 am too. well said Anonymous2:48 am!

      I think that Holly, you let it slide too often until it has snowballed from a small matter to something you now hold as a grudge. Why not seat him down and ask him nicely if he would no matter what just let you get in first and this argument will never surface again.

      Whenever stuff really annoy me, I just let my husband know. and even though he thinks its a small matter, if I show that it really really bothers me, he will try his best to remember. maybe you can do the same and see if it works out?

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  6. Anonymous9:40 am

    manner & temper of your husband is appalling. He looks like an angry man to me. Wonder if you made a good choice since you already knew this before you married this guy.
    Oh well, look at the good side of him but if it bothers you, i think you both should sit down and talk about it civilly & let him know tat you do not like being treated like tat. Is there a way he can do this differently so tat you both meet halfway??

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  7. Anonymous1:26 am

    Um...is that even considered rude??? For me, I am always the one who tell my hubby to "hurry up and get in the taxi!" I am always wearing skirts or dresses so moving inside the cab would be quite a chore and there's a risk of "upskirt". I would in fact be quite impatient when he looks at me n doesnt move in. Um... I guess everyone's different.

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    Replies
    1. u wld suit my husband then Lol ... i wld prefer urs. hahaa

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  8. Anonymous7:19 am

    Dear Holly,

    Your husband is just a typical asshole... when it comes to car doors and car seats. I am confident that in other areas he is a really decent guy. Cut him some slack, and either forget about this and steel yourself to ignore it in future or choose a neutral occasion to speak gently to him about it. A peaceful approach should indicate how serious you are about this seemingly trivial issue, rather than a slinging match. There will probably be similar bugbears about you that he has been seething about, it is a chance to discuss and negotiate on a level ground. I.e. you bring this up, he brings something else up.

    Seriously chica, don't get yourself all worked up. This is really not a dealbreaker

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. yup.. his bugbearis tht i dont cuddle him much in bed (I like my space!)... and I always cut conversations short on the phone with him (i'm not a phone chatter )

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  9. I think its because there's presence of his friends around and you are embarrassed. Thus, it aggravated the matter! But i still think you should find a suitable time to talk to your husband again and tell him that it bothers you :)

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  10. Anonymous7:35 pm

    Actually it sounds like it has become a power struggle

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  12. Anonymous10:22 pm

    Yes agree.

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  13. U r not alone, Holly. My partner dashes up the bus when it arrives and leaves me behind squeezing with the mad rush and when I questioned him about it, he gives me similar excuse that he was trying to get out of the mad crowd or he was trying to "chope" a seat for me. I always roll my eye at his excuses. When we went back to his hometown (Sydney) once, I was (we were, in fact) very surprised that his father held the car door for me! I think I told him to "learn some manners from his father". Consolation is he ushers me into taxis sometimes, pulls the seat out for me at restaurants and always hold the door for me at shopping malls/buildings. Like you, I get pissed off, talk to him about it, make my point (and loses the argument) but I let it slide. So every time the bus comes, it happens..but I do not think of it as a big issue (to let it spoil our r/s). We have been together for 3+yrs and I like to think of other happy/gentlemanly times instead of letting issues like these affect me. I believe its a give and take situation. Can you live w/o your partner opening car doors for you/letting you in the vehicle first?

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    1. i can live with it i guess. though it has been better. now he lets me in first, but I still open my own door and go in, then he goes in after me. Next stage of training, maybe he can learn to open the door for me lol

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