That Fat Bastard...

... is me!

I've not been exercising. I am down with a mega dose of laziness and lack motivation. Also, nothing I do has a quick enough or big enough result.

I've been making excuses the past few months... wearing less figure hugging clothes so I am not reminded of how my tummy isn't flat and hard anymore, and I have a fat arse.

Here's a pic (taken last night) trying on shorts which were loose for me just 6 months ago. Look at my belly popping out, look at my thighs and now I have love handles! I've always had can't-pinch-an-inch-of-fat tight toned abs for as long as I can remember! How can I go from this (old pic below) to that(pic above)?!

I've been telling myself that it's ok, soon I will just start exercising like mad, and do regular crunches and the fat will melt off me like it usually does. But this "soon" never seems to come! Now I am slightly worried that if I wait even longer, it will be very difficult to get toned and trim again.

I think I have hit the 50 kg mark. I used to be 45kg-ish early last year. I am 1.65m tall (without heels). Then it went up to an acceptable 47 kg early this year. I don't dare weigh myself now, but I feel much heavier than ever before... definitely hit 50s. Healthy (I read this as AVERAGE) weight range for my height is between 50.4kg and 68kg. (68K is madness for me...it may look good on some people ...but personally, I hope I never get there)

Friends and family have noticed that I have put on weight (how could they not? It's so bloody obvious), and say I look better and healthier. But today's culture, and having spent the majority of my life being underweight, and being around skinny people all the time... just don't make accepting these type of comments very easy.

Plus, now I have a boyfriend (whom I love very much) that delights in watching me eat my favourite foods, so he often feeds me stuff like fried chicken skin and fat off his steak.... this is AFTER I have wolfed down all the fat stuff off my own plate. He also shoves sweeties (I am not really a candy person) into my mouth while we are on the couch watching TV, so this is mega wasted calories. Even when I turn my face away, he will playfully rub the sweetie (lately it's been those sugary fruit pastilles) against my closed lips, until I relent and just eat the damn thing.

I still have like 50 bikinis... maybe I should start swimming again. But I think I want something tougher than that. Like to really whip my ass back into shape for 1 month ... intensive. Then I can just maintain it with leisurely daily swims and the odd gym session here and there.... like I used to do.... once upon a time, before I became a fat bastard.

p/s- I know that I am not obese or grossly overweight. So please don't think you have to send me encouraging words or lecture me about the evils of wanting to be skinny.

But I did rapidly put on weight in the last 6 months and I am having problems accepting it. It makes me feel down about my body and image. Even though around my friends and boyfriend, I make light of the situation and joke about my new found belly.... deep down inside, I like being that skinny bitch with her collar bones popping out in photographs.

I just don't think I can be happy being that average weighted woman.