Friday, November 18, 2011

That Fat Bastard...

... is me!

I've not been exercising. I am down with a mega dose of laziness and lack motivation. Also, nothing I do has a quick enough or big enough result.

I've been making excuses the past few months... wearing less figure hugging clothes so I am not reminded of how my tummy isn't flat and hard anymore, and I have a fat arse.
Here's a pic (taken last night) trying on shorts which were loose for me just 6 months ago. Look at my belly popping out, look at my thighs and now I have love handles! I've always had can't-pinch-an-inch-of-fat tight toned abs for as long as I can remember! How can I go from this (old pic below) to that(pic above)?!
I've been telling myself that it's ok, soon I will just start exercising like mad, and do regular crunches and the fat will melt off me like it usually does. But this "soon" never seems to come! Now I am slightly worried that if I wait even longer, it will be very difficult to get toned and trim again.

I think I have hit the 50 kg mark. I used to be 45kg-ish early last year. I am 1.65m tall (without heels). Then it went up to an acceptable 47 kg early this year. I don't dare weigh myself now, but I feel much heavier than ever before... definitely hit 50s. Healthy (I read this as AVERAGE) weight range for my height is between 50.4kg and 68kg. (68K is madness for me...it may look good on some people ...but personally, I hope I never get there)

Friends and family have noticed that I have put on weight (how could they not? It's so bloody obvious), and say I look better and healthier. But today's culture, and having spent the majority of my life being underweight, and being around skinny people all the time... just don't make accepting these type of comments very easy.

Plus, now I have a boyfriend (whom I love very much) that delights in watching me eat my favourite foods, so he often feeds me stuff like fried chicken skin and fat off his steak.... this is AFTER I have wolfed down all the fat stuff off my own plate. He also shoves sweeties (I am not really a candy person) into my mouth while we are on the couch watching TV, so this is mega wasted calories. Even when I turn my face away, he will playfully rub the sweetie (lately it's been those sugary fruit pastilles) against my closed lips, until I relent and just eat the damn thing.

I still have like 50 bikinis... maybe I should start swimming again. But I think I want something tougher than that. Like to really whip my ass back into shape for 1 month ... intensive. Then I can just maintain it with leisurely daily swims and the odd gym session here and there.... like I used to do.... once upon a time, before I became a fat bastard.

p/s- I know that I am not obese or grossly overweight. So please don't think you have to send me encouraging words or lecture me about the evils of wanting to be skinny.

But I did rapidly put on weight in the last 6 months and I am having problems accepting it. It makes me feel down about my body and image. Even though around my friends and boyfriend, I make light of the situation and joke about my new found belly.... deep down inside, I like being that skinny bitch with her collar bones popping out in photographs.

I just don't think I can be happy being that average weighted woman.

15 comments:

  1. Anonymous2:51 pm

    HUGS! I remember putting on a bit of weight a couple of years back, when I couldn't resist the McD on campus. Relatives said I looked better. I totally understand when you said it is not easy accepting those comments! If you are into dancing, you can check out Zumba at the Waterloo studio!

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  2. Anonymous8:34 pm

    I know that putting on weight when you are used to being super-skinny is a pain. But it seems somewhat rude to post a picture that most girls will feel is still slim and acceptable and call that girl a fat bastard.
    Please think about other peoples' feelings. You are still much much skinnier than the average girl, now think how the average girl reading your blog feels.

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  3. Anonymous11:33 pm

    Hi by doing crunches u cant look weight simply because u cant spot reduce fat... only by doing cardio..such as running or swimming will help u lose weight :)

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  4. Hey babe! I can totally understand how you feel, coz I once had a flat tummy and can easily fit into my skinny jeans and all. I have been lazy for a year or so, and now even worse after a break up. Been letting myself loose and making excuses for not running off the extra calories and now I look like a pregger who's into her 5th month! boohooo....

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  5. Anonymous1:44 am

    Totally understand.. I had been underweight (genetics) for most part of my pri/sec/poly life. Only piled on the kgs when I became a vegetarian (wanted to dispel the myth that vegetarians are unhealthy & underweight). Am a healthy 53kg/166cm now & while I know I look healthier & still slim-looking, I long to go back to 48kg so that it won't be a pain to fit into pretty dresses.

    Some may disagree with us..but when you've been underweight for the most part of your life, it's hard to accept being 'acceptable'. So long as you're healthy & eating well, don't fret about detractors' comments. At the very least, you are trying to find the motivation to lose weight by exercising & not by rejecting food completely. Low-carbs diet is fine as I believe you're stll eating other stuffs.

    You have my full support in losing a few kilos.. =))

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  6. Anonymous11:27 am

    That looks like a beer belly to me.

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  7. The trick is simple: find an exercise that you enjoy doing, and never do it more than you enjoy it.

    Trying to find something "tough" is definitely a no go! DON'T DO IT! Leads to nowhere.

    Try something easy, like run every evening, and only run a little at the beginning to avoid getting seriously sore muscles, e.g. if 10 minutes is the limit where it does not hurt, then just jog 10 minutes every evening. (Be very careful in increasing it, never be too ambitious.)

    But again, the baseline: enjoyment, find something to enjoy.

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  8. ...oh, and losing weight by exercising is nearly hopeless for the average folks, unless they really do a lot, like an hour exercise per day.

    Regulating of eating is a must.

    No need to starve, just stop eating like a pig! (+ a bit of exercise to have muscles that bur fat the whole day)

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  9. Hey Holly(:
    Why don't you try bootcamps? I went for one at east coast a month ago and it totally kept me fit. I'm not much of a gym person and prefer working outdoors. they are a bunch of fun people and i think you might even like it(: if i'm not mistaken, the website is fitnessbootcamp.sg I just love reading your blog by the way(:

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  10. Celestina9:15 pm

    Seriously, i do feel u look better now. At least nt so bonely if u get wat i mean. Yr boobs has grown too, nice : )

    Nothing comes easy. If u wana look trim again, u goto put in effort. BUT dun go too skinny pls

    Why not sign up with TrueFitness & enj the spin session again? It sure going to make u sweat, trim & healthy : )

    When one is in love, its natural to put on weight babe, but goto control : )

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  11. Anonymous11:30 pm

    Same here! Same here!!!! My periods been late & I stupidly thought I was pregnant and ate for 2! Now I'm 46 point something (I refused to see for myself is it a point >5 tt I have to round up to 47!!!) I still haven't found the morivation to even go swimming, partly cos I'm still whining (being sad actually) over not bring pregnant.

    When u get started, let me know!!! Let's do it together!!!!

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  12. Anonymous10:08 am

    you should try rock climbing!! :) it'll be so fun that 6 months on you'll be like.. "That skinny bastard.. is me!"

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  13. Anonymous9:10 am

    bloom of new romance = put on weight.

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  14. Anonymous7:05 pm

    Pick up Thai Boxing - It Helps

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  15. Anonymous9:31 pm

    U are the ignorant reason why so many girls these days went from healthy to having sickening eating disorders. Pls refrain from showing your pictures and weighing numbers to us. As much as u feel so inferior and shitty, pls do think sensitively about the innumerable other individuals of healthy weight range feeling worse at ur declaration!

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