Wednesday, July 13, 2011

HK Bf and I Split Up

I'm off to Phuket this Saturday, and will blog from Phuket until the 24th.

OMG. Am so looking forward to 10 days away from it all. I need a chillout idle holiday lounging on the beach... no meetings, no shoots, no editorials, no events to attend.... just chillout and share pictures and stories on my blog.





(already got a fully booked up week when I return though.. dreading it already!)





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I want to share something with you...



I know I've kept this under wraps for a very long time. But about 2 months ago, my Bf (the Hong Kong one) and I split up. Exactly 5 months into the relationship... which is incidentally exactly the same amount of time GB (my previous BF) and I lasted.

At first I thought... man.. this must be karma, I gave up on GB after only 5 months.. because he mentioned not wanting to settle down for another 3 -5 years. And I thought... fuck that.... I'm not waiting around THAT long for you. And now after exactly 5 months, my HK BF did the same to me.

He said that while he was away back in Hong Kong for that weekend, he didn't miss me enough. And to him, that meant he didn't feel as strongly as he should.. 5 months in. I honestly thought at that point, when he got back from HK, and was telling me all this... that he was making a mistake.

How can you be so sure in just 5 months??? It puzzled me. I knew he wanted to get married pretty soon (I think he was giving it a 6 month window to decide if I were the one).

Here I was thinking everything was fine, because he was calling me daily and still making plans for future events (dates/trips/parties) with me up to the point when he was in HK even. And then he comes back after being away for just 2 days, and says... "I'm not feeling it" ?!?!!




Bizarre. I rather have someone treat me shittily and then break up with me. At least that way, I see it coming. But the way he did it.. was like caressing a baby rabbit ever so gently... and then suddenly snap its neck! So bizarre.




But you know what? The mistake was waiting 5 months... if you have to wait and see if this person is for you... then they're not your pair. They're not.




You need to feel like - this is the person I want to be with for life.... right from the start. THEN and only then you work toward reaching marriage, and a future together.

You don't start out your relationship at a deficit... and then hope that after a series of tests, your chosen partner will suddenly appeal to you as a life partner. (That's what sparked my post - Did you know instantly she was the one you'd marry?)

What happened was that we were both in love with the idea of having each other as partners. He ticked some boxes, I ticked some boxes. Both not too shabby looking. We were also friends from before so we both knew that we were good people. So voila... A relationship was born!

But for a relationship to go the distance, I think there needs to be a big spark. No matter what you fairy tale bashing people have to say... I really do think there has to be magic! It's not a matter of being practical or realistic... cos no amount of practicality and logic will make things work out if the Heart doesn't skip a beat.

The starting point has to be that feeling inside you where you're so happy about having someone in your life, that you feel like you're going to burst. There will be ups and downs moving forward, for sure...... but the relationship should never be some balance sheet where you're checking what your partner has to offer, against your own assets... to see if you're getting the better deal or not.
We both could have a good laugh and chat, and we had similar tastes when it came to TV, and food, and humour. We never argued or disagreed. But that's not enough.

There was practically no chemistry. We were basically just good friends really. Plus, I didn't really feel like talking about him... on my blog or to my friends. And yes, my friends (and me) thought it was strange... I thought I was just "settled", and not in turmoil, hence I had not much to talk about when it came to my relationship with him.

But that's not right. I was just making excuses to feel that it was ok. In reality, if you love someone, you want to shout it out to the world. You keep thinking (and hence talking) about that person. (Until your blog readers start telling you to shut up already!! Always talking about him!!! ).

Another thing I didn't like about this last relationship was that I always felt judged. Like every possible situation felt like an exam. I understand that he was looking for a potential wife, so naturally, he was assessing and judging my every move. But it's absolutely no fun living like that. When I pass, yes, I am quite proud of myself. But of course there were many times where I failed too ... I am only human.




No man or woman should ever make you feel like that... like you're on probation and being tested all the time. And you should never subject someone you love to that sort of scrutiny.

Though... if you do, it probably means you don't love them anyway. You're just in love with some sort of concept or idea of love. But it isn't really love. It's a rut.

Don't get stuck in a rut. Be strong, claw your way out of it. Find your Happily Ever After. There is someone out there who is meant for you, but you will never find that person if you stay in a rut.

The Real Love- you will feel it in your gut. It will make your world spin. Your heart smile. Your eyes tear. It will feel so good.

X
HJ

28 comments:

  1. Hey HJ, I think a great is definitely up for you. Go chill and just have fun. It's never easy when things end. But at the same time, it gives you the channel to reflect on what you really want and to go for that. Take care!
    BW

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  2. the right one will come, he just lost his way. stay strong holly, u still have us.
    love :)

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  3. Anonymous5:40 pm

    Holly dear..

    I disagree with this:
    You need to feel like - this is the person I want to be with for life.... right from the start. THEN and only then you work toward reaching marriage, and a future together

    I feel you should know each other first, like and love that person, know what you both want in future, know if he is the right one and work towards marriage.


    I don't fall in love with my bf at first but I tried to know him and well.. fall in love with his habits and all and hopefully we be together soon as we both want kids.

    Anw, don't give up as you are such a pretty and smart girl. Don't be with someone who don't appreciate you. It's their loss :)

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  4. Hi Holly, Your ex sounds like a dick head. Im glad you didnt put up with that.

    He was an ex wasnt he? I think you mentioned that you guys dated before? I seriously see no point in going back to someone when it didnt work the first time. That's something I abide by anyway.

    On the flip side, enjoy your vacation, have lots of magaritas on the beach for me!

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  5. HJ,

    You have mentioned the similarities between your now ex bf and the previous bf.

    You leave out the emotional connection or lack of one. No mention of anything to bond you and either of these men together.

    Love cannot exist without the true friendship being established first.

    A loving and lasting relationship cannot be built without a strong spiritual bond.

    Just like fire needs a fuel, oxygen and a ingition source to burn, love without certian deeply important areas of personal bonding and growth will not grow beyond a physical relationship.

    When you can look back for any life lessons from these relationships perhaps the area where you need change and growth will become apparent.

    I wish you well for the future.

    David

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  6. Anonymous7:44 pm

    Love you Holly. Hope you'll find that special someone soon.

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  7. Anonymous7:44 pm

    Love you Holly. Hope you'll find that special someone soon.

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  8. Agree with the opinions on your entire post except for the point on "In reality, if you love someone, you want to shout it out to the world. You keep thinking (and hence talking) about that person."

    You will keep thinking, i agree, but not everyone would wanna keep talking. For me, if things are good, i'm happy to just keep thinking and make myself happy with the thoughts. I will feel more inclined to talk when things are bad, i feel.

    Nevertheless, i wish u all the best. I find that u tend to jump into relationships so quickly one after another. Maybe u should try another strategy and just take your time. It worked for me.

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  9. Yes you can feel Real Love in your gut, but sometimes not at first sight. If it comes fast, it can go fast too. Don't be in a hurry to 'judge' if he/ she is the one. Just chill and enjoy the company as far as possible. The greatest stories have no script.

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  10. Anonymous9:44 pm

    Sigh! Don't be upset. You deserve a better one!

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  11. Anonymous9:00 am

    Sorry to hear that HJ..
    Do you think there was someone he is interested in?
    Why the sudden turnaround? :-(

    you deserve better..

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  12. Anonymous10:43 am

    Awesome post!

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  13. Anonymous12:30 pm

    hmm, i feel that testing is crucial. we're not talking about a fling, we're talking about a life partner here. if you don't observe him, you can never fully 'accept' him.

    that said, good luck holly!

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  14. Anonymous12:39 pm

    hey holly

    kai at 909pm and anon 540 is right!

    i did not fall in love with my bf straight away.. though he knew i was the one.

    we took some time... before i said i love you.. he said it first.. and only about 3 mths later did i say it too.

    in fact 3 mths into the relationship i was so ready to give up but he convinced me to stay on and now looking back im glad i did as we are both committed to this relationship.

    so what im trying to say is don't feel like you will definitely feel a spark right in the beginning.. sometimes it takes time to really fall in love with someone and special moments will slowly create that spark for you. :)

    and then the paragraph below will hold true once that emotional bond is there.

    "In reality, if you love someone, you want to shout it out to the world. You keep thinking (and hence talking) about that person."


    Best wishes Holly!

    your readers love you!

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  15. I fully agreed with this line: "In reality, if you love someone, you want to shout it out to the world. You keep thinking (and hence talking) about that person."

    You cant define L.O.V.E explicitly yet LoVe can either motivate or destroy ONE completely.

    Time is not a factor to knowing someone.. there are couples who barely knew for a year but are happily married and yet there are ppl who are gg thru divorce despite being tog for XX years. For the former, iam curious did they fall in love after marriage thus sustainability is higher?

    Anyway have a good trip and some moments by yourself babe, you can only become stronger after this! *Hugs*

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  16. We love u holly, sometimes things take some turns to be what they really are, just be yourself and never ever judge a relationship/guy too fast, when it is meant to be, it will be.. u dont have to think hard abt it.. u just feel it.. u feel it so right!

    I can definitely relate to ur post as I broke up 2 months ago too and he already has another gf just weeks (less than a month) after we broke up.

    We definitely deserve some big hugs and love <3.

    "Something that doesnt kill u, will only make u stronger"

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  17. Anonymous10:47 pm

    I was struck by a similar situation like yours just a month ago. He asked me if I was willing to marry him just one month into the relationship. I asked him several times and he said he's sure I'm the one.
    Six months into the relationship and we were doing some serious planning on getting a flat and the wedding.
    He was away for three days, still sweet as ever while he was overseas and even after he was back.
    Days before our 7th month, he affectionately told me he loved me before we went to bed and hugged me to sleep, and then kissed me goodbye the next morning before going off for work while I was still in bed.
    The next day, he told me he wouldn't be staying over at my place and that he wanted to reconsider our relationship. He didn't give any reasons for wanting to leave me. It dragged for a couple of days as I was trying to understand what went wrong, and salvage the relationship. I couldn't accept a break up with no reasons!
    He did anyway, on our supposed 7th month anniversary.
    How could one be so sure that she's the one, yet leave just like that?
    I totally understand the shock and heartbreak you are going through right now.

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  18. Anonymous11:06 pm

    enjoy ur trip! at least u gave it a try- i really admire this spirit of 'never giving up on finding love' that u have :)

    i think it is always different for everyone....
    n personally i do not agree tht two ppl cannot start out without big sparks at first because i believe n have met couples whose love GREW with time. I also believe that friendship can be the start of a romantic relationship which will grow n still retain the friendship as a base.

    with time, u learn more about the person n grow to love him with his imperfections, even more. Because time also brings understanding (n not minding so much of what he is lacking because what he is giving is also worth a lot of attention n appreciation).

    i do believe tht the one for u is there...so donlt give up! Just fall more in love with u right now, for the time being, as u relax in phuket! :)

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  19. I totally understand the feelings that you are going through as everything seems going well and when he is back he gives u a shock. But i believe u can go thru this and Mr Right will be coming soon..
    Love is patient
    Love is kind

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  20. Anonymous3:24 pm

    he probably met someone else and was keeping his options open. Stop wearing your heart on your sleeve all the time and moving on faster than one says break up! i give it a few months and you will be with someone and staying at his house talking lovey dovey and saying he is the love of your life.

    dun wanna be mean but you are too easy holly

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  21. *hugs* Hope things will be better for you!

    Xoxo
    RynaQUE

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  22. *hugs* for you hun.

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  23. Hi everyone,

    thank you for your support.

    Don't worry, I am 100% okay. I waited a long while before I updated my blog readers, so I did have time to be sad and then get over it.

    If anything... I am a much happier person now. :)

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  24. Holly how do you do it? I have been seeing someone for 6 months, and I broke things off somewhere in the middle as he kept getting angry at little stuff, and would get very personal with insults directed at me. But he begged me to take him back, and so I did. I'm at the crossroads again because he blew his top over something small.
    It seems so hard sometimes to walk away even if you know it feels wrong. Part of me is afraid of the mornings I wake up the week after, feeling lonely that there isn't anyone there I can call first thing in the morning.
    How do you do it? how do you overcome?

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  25. Anonymous11:55 am

    Break up sucks but I kinda agree with Anon 3.24 that you'll probably be dating someone soon if not already have a new guy.

    I just think you're always moving on too soon. I mean look at the last couple of relationships, it's always the same result.

    Einstein said insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting different result. Maybe you should try doing it a bit differently.

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  26. Anonymous2:00 pm

    Maybe you are currently in Phuket with a new guy already.
    I personally feel deep down despite all you have said about 100% moved on- deep down you are actually a very lonely person and simply can't be alone.

    Getting hitched is nothing more than a piece of legal document. You can be with someone with as much commitment without that legal document. Heck it, you can even buy yourself a diamond ring and place on your ring finger.

    All the best.

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  27. Anonymous6:57 pm

    hey HJ,

    i agree with anon 12.39. somethings just dont happen right away. if anything i think love at first sight and the passionate love only lasts for a short while, beyond that u have to learn to continue loving the person despite passing the honeymoon period. or u'll find urself changing bfs every 6 months or so.

    nevertheless, i think ure doing a good job moving on, and glad to hear ure fine

    all the best:)

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  28. Anonymous5:05 pm

    seriously, just grow up...

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