I invest quite a bit of time replying to all emails individually... but every now and then, I think that some issues need a wider range of opinions and view points (other than my own).
So, here's the first Ask Holly Jean post of this year (I know it's already March!). It comes from a reader who has recently found herself in a Friends With Benefits Relationship.
Do offer your honest opinions on this subject... and if you have any other issues you want to seek my opinion on (or readers' opinions), just send them my way. :)
Always your friend,
HJ.
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Hi Holly,
Have been reading your blog for a while now cause you're like the few bloggers around that talks about sexuality openly. Learnt a lot, thanks for sharing.
I've recently had a friends with benefits who's 10 years older than me. He is my first actually... i just do not know how to deal with it to prevent myself from getting hurt in the long run. Because I believe sooner or later, one will get hurt and that person would usually be the ladies. Have you been involved in one yourself? How did it ended?
Please reply even if you dont publish it in your ask holly section .. as i've no one to turn to about this.
Sincerely,
Girl in doubt.
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Dear Girl in doubt,
Either party can get hurt in a Friends-with-Benefits relationship... and it will be the one who is not honest to him/her self.
Are you in this relationship because secretly you want something more out of it?
Do you hope that he will one day fall in love with you and take this to another level?
Will this arrangement stop you from looking for someone who could offer you more (in terms of a proper relationship)?
How would you feel if, after months and months of sex with this one guy, he suddenly finds a girl he wants to commit to and develop a relationship with... but that girl is just not you...? Will that hurt you?
If your answer to any of that is YES... then I strongly recommend rethinking this relationship.
You can do anything you want.. friends with benefit relationships can be mutually beneficial and are not illegal or wrong (of course this is debatable), as long as you're honest to yourself, and the other party.
You can read my GetHer post on the pitfalls of a Friends-with-Benefits relationship Here.
As for me, I have never had an official Friends-with-Benefits relationship. But I was dating someone (many years ago). After a couple of months, I realised that although we would have great conversation when we were together, we were just meeting at his place all the time. He didn't make time to take me out on dates or hint at any sort of future together. Plus, he would never bother to drive me home ... I felt like I was just a booty call... taking a taxi home after, at 1 in the morning.
After I stopped seeing him, he did make an effort to ask me out for lunch/dinner/coffee multiple times, but I just turned him down. I didn't want to get sucked back into a Friends-with-Benefits relationship again. Once this relationship went down the Friends-with-Benefits track, I could not see him as a possible husband candidate anymore, so what's the point of ressurecting this relationship ...it's like damage is done.
I'm a proper relationship type of person. I do think sex is important in a relationship but it cannot be the only thing bringing two people together.
Hopefully, my readers would be willing to share their opinions and experiences with you too.
Always,
HJ.
Based on my experience, the whole friends-with-benefits lasted 2 years and I got hurt.
ReplyDeleteNo movies, dates or whatsoever. It was just a booty-call.
On hindsight, I feel so cheap.
Now that's my experience.
personally, i think it's dumb to get involved in such a relationship whether consciously or unconsciously.
ReplyDeletewill share with you what my bf told me before: he thinks smart women would not "give" herself unless she is sure the guy is committed to her.
of cos the guy will be more than happy to sleep with you without any strings attached but will he respect you and be committed to you, that's a different matter all together. go ahead if you are willing to be treated nothing more than a booty call/unpaid hooker.
Interesting.
ReplyDeleteWhy is it when it comes to friends with benefits type relationships or hook ups... the guy is seen as "using" the girl?
Doesn't the girl gain from such an arrangement? Some women out there prefer no strings attached casual r'ships... it does not mean tht they are stupid and are being used by men. Maybe they enjoy sex with him but do not intend to take it any further, and will leave him when a better man comes along.
it's always harder for the ladies to leave, especially when he's your first. But you need to bear in mind that given his age (i assume he's in his late 20s or 30s), he should be ready/want to settle down, and if he doesnt want to commit to you now, he probably will never do in future.
ReplyDeleteYou should just leave. there's always a better one out there! :)
Overall, friends-with-benefits relationships dont end up well. there'll always be an end/stop to this relationship. So people out there, if ur involved u just cant get too emotional and expect more. because it leads to nowhere certain, better be safe than get hurt. (Ouch--shucks)
ReplyDeletehmm... frankly after reading all of it.. ive no idea what this about?
ReplyDeletelol!
we can do away w/ all these friends at e end.
y get emo??? proper relationship aplenty... erhmm.. im one of e eligible by e way... LOLLLLLlll!!! =D
Bernard.
D-GUY.
From my point of view, guys benefitted from this type of rship as it's free.
ReplyDeleteAny decent looking ladies in their 20-30s looking for ONS will get one easily. But for guys, it's not the same. That is why there are sex services available. Sure there are sex services for ladies too, but they are often catered to aunties.
Maybe when I become an aunty and some young hunk, whose is 10 years younger than me, offer a "friend with benefits" rship with me. I will agree, because it will be beneficial to me as I (the aunty) do not have to pay for sex service.
Den again, I doubt any young guys are that stupid? Hehehe.
In my opinion FWB needs to be distinguished from f**k buddies (FB). My definition is that FWBs don't just meet for sex, they hang outside and do activities together, without any dating commitment (Hence the term "Friends" right? How can one be a 'friend' if u just spend time together on the bed?!). Its almost like the BF/GF experience but without the commitment.
ReplyDeleteIn a FWB relationship one party will likely start becoming emotionally attached, especially if u share special times together outside of the bedroom. An FB relationship on the other hand, would involve just sex and the chances of emotional attachment are lower I feel.
That said, women in FB/ FWB relationships are not necessarily at the losing end. It may be beneficial for women are not ready for a long-term serious r/s, but want a companion to spend time with.
Of course they need to know what they want out of the r/s and are strong enough to let go if they start getting too emotionally attached.
Never do it! I did something similar to Holly many years ago and it was disastrous.
ReplyDeleteGuys will never say no to free sex esp if they do not have to commit/invest in a relationship/make an effort for dates etc... Why have sex with someone who does not truly love you when you can have sex with someone who does. Sex in a loving relationship is the only way to go.
I am a guy. I started off with a friends with benefits. She was my colleague actually, and she had a long term BF then but long distance relationship as he was working in Shanghai.
ReplyDeleteI was single. So we started as sex buddies. Even after she broke up with her BF, we were still sex buddies, and we even dated other people during this time.
She was my sex buddy for 3 years in total. Now she is my wife.
When the time is right things will meant to be.
Mr X: Very heartwarming to hear that something wonderful came out of your friends-with-benefits relationship!
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately... it rarely ends in a fairy tale like in Mr X's case. Possible, but very rare. So girls in this situation should not have false hope.
I agree with anon6.06 that FWB and FB are 2 different things. While I never have a FB before, I do have an experience with FWB.
ReplyDeleteWe started off as friends. We hang out a lot as platonic friends for 2-3 years, meeting up occasionally for dinner, drinks and movies. I found him someone whom I can hold interesting conversation with. Then one night, after too many drinks, things happened. We had a conversation thereafter and agreed to let things remain as status quo. We are both not looking at that time and do not think that we will be suitable for each other as a committed partner. We continue to hang out as friends with an additional activity to add on to the list of things which we can be doing.
That happened for a couple of months then we sort of got busy with our own lives later on (school, projects, parties, crushes, dates) and drifted away from each other. When we finally caught up with each other after a long hiatus, nothing of the "benefit" was hinted. Guess we both had the common understanding that the benefit is no longer there anymore since we are both attached.
I'm married now and we are still friends, without the benefit.
Dear Holly Jean,
ReplyDeleteThis article helped me so much! I've been in a FWB situation and I feel like I am always frustrated. I was chatting with my friend in SG about this (I'm American) and she linked me to this blog. After reading the article I realized I could not. And just deleted the FWB off facebook and his number out of my phone.
Thank you,
Grateful