I invest quite a bit of time replying to all emails individually... but every now and then, I think that some issues need a wider range of opinions and view points (other than my own).
So, here's the first Ask Holly Jean post of this year (I know it's already March!). It comes from a reader who has recently found herself in a Friends With Benefits Relationship.
Do offer your honest opinions on this subject... and if you have any other issues you want to seek my opinion on (or readers' opinions), just send them my way. :)
Always your friend,
Have been reading your blog for a while now cause you're like the few bloggers around that talks about sexuality openly. Learnt a lot, thanks for sharing.
I've recently had a friends with benefits who's 10 years older than me. He is my first actually... i just do not know how to deal with it to prevent myself from getting hurt in the long run. Because I believe sooner or later, one will get hurt and that person would usually be the ladies. Have you been involved in one yourself? How did it ended?
Please reply even if you dont publish it in your ask holly section .. as i've no one to turn to about this.
Girl in doubt.
Dear Girl in doubt,
Either party can get hurt in a Friends-with-Benefits relationship... and it will be the one who is not honest to him/her self.
Are you in this relationship because secretly you want something more out of it?
Do you hope that he will one day fall in love with you and take this to another level?
Will this arrangement stop you from looking for someone who could offer you more (in terms of a proper relationship)?
How would you feel if, after months and months of sex with this one guy, he suddenly finds a girl he wants to commit to and develop a relationship with... but that girl is just not you...? Will that hurt you?
If your answer to any of that is YES... then I strongly recommend rethinking this relationship.
You can do anything you want.. friends with benefit relationships can be mutually beneficial and are not illegal or wrong (of course this is debatable), as long as you're honest to yourself, and the other party.
You can read my GetHer post on the pitfalls of a Friends-with-Benefits relationship Here.
As for me, I have never had an official Friends-with-Benefits relationship. But I was dating someone (many years ago). After a couple of months, I realised that although we would have great conversation when we were together, we were just meeting at his place all the time. He didn't make time to take me out on dates or hint at any sort of future together. Plus, he would never bother to drive me home ... I felt like I was just a booty call... taking a taxi home after, at 1 in the morning.
After I stopped seeing him, he did make an effort to ask me out for lunch/dinner/coffee multiple times, but I just turned him down. I didn't want to get sucked back into a Friends-with-Benefits relationship again. Once this relationship went down the Friends-with-Benefits track, I could not see him as a possible husband candidate anymore, so what's the point of ressurecting this relationship ...it's like damage is done.
I'm a proper relationship type of person. I do think sex is important in a relationship but it cannot be the only thing bringing two people together.
Hopefully, my readers would be willing to share their opinions and experiences with you too.