I admit... growing up... I wasn't a very good girl.
No, I wasn't the spawn of the devil sort of bad ... but I have done things I'm not proud of.
As a young child, I wasn't exactly an angel (who was, anyway?!)....I was a selfish child... with the exception of my younger brother... whom I protected and looked out for as if he were my own child.
But what I am really not proud of... is how I spent my late teens and early 20s. I was a runaway train.. just coasting through life without a thought for others. The boyfriends who came into my life at this phase.. (I think)... had it bad.
Yeah, sure, I was fun. But I was also a liar. A party animal. To me, love and life was all a game and I was a very very very vindictive player.
It took me a long time to realise that a relationship isn't supposed to be a battle. Your partner is not your enemy. You're supposed to be on the same team!
Of course, over the last few years, (from my relationship with Mark .. onwards), I've been a much better partner. I'm not even the same person that I was in my teens/early 20s.
I can even swear that I did nothing wrong. Nothing wrong in terms of - I did not lie (white lies not counted of course). I did not cheat. I did not even entertain or flirt with the opposite sex while in a relationship. I was giving partner. I was very committed. Loyal. etc... you know.. all the things it takes to be a good partner...
Yet, somehow, even when life in a relationship is going well, it would always find a way to just turn around and bite me in the ass.
And then I just find myself standing here... thinking... what did I do wrong?!
The old me never deserved things falling into place... the old me was like a human wrecking ball.
But even though I'm no longer the old me. And I dare say I am a good person and a good partner (I know, I can hear the tune of my own trumpet being blown). But... It's like bad karma is still around me, fucking things up and dragging me down.
I hope the bad karma runs out soon. There's only so much disappointment I can take. Pretty soon, I'm not going to be able to be as bulletproof as I am now.
Do you believe in karma?
Every people controls his destiny!
But what's up GB?
I for one do not believe in KARMA.
However I do believe there comes a point that one must realize that we cannot control the other person in our life.
Even if that person claims to love you, that individual makes their own decisions.
Even though you feel you have dragged yourself down, (do you know anyone who has not dragged themselves down - I lost count of how many times I have done this to myself..) sorry for the digressions.
When down and out. Take time to reflect, and heal if needed.
Then look for lessons learned from your actions.
Failure occurs only when we fail to learn.
Best wishes to you!
we don't argue. we get along well.
But we just realised a few weeks ago tht even though we want the same things in life (goals), our time frames are different. WIll prob talk abt tht another day.
but for now... my bad karma is more of... like why cant everything just go smoothly.. why do bad things happen to good people.
i do believe in Karma...and i do believe it will return to haunt me...
i can relate to ur story... i was a MCP in my earlier relationships.. and i disappointed and hurt many gfs along the way...
my issue then was not one of cheating or flirting.. it was more of being unable to commit emotionally...
having a closed heart meant a lot of the time, relationships meant fun under the sun, romance, sweeping girls of their feet with surprise trips, etc.. the whole works.. but when push came to shove, i always had to leave due to the big 'M' word.
even before i was marriage age, my relationships failed because i was always a great lover, friend but my partners could not see a husband or father in me...
well, Karma is a bit*h... hahaah since i met my wife, we have had to overcome so many obstacles together... from financial issues to family issues. those initial yrs were a true test of my committment to her...
a simple eg. would be that she wanted to venture away from her comfort zone to try a commission based job. in order for us to stay above water, i stayed in my salaried job for an additional 2 yrs. i hated that job and dreaded every morning when i had to drag my listless corpse to work. but i preserved for her and for us... i could see her determination to succeed so i 'took 1 for the team'.
but then HJ, know this... Karma can be a bit*h.. but i also believe this.. once u have 'served ur dues'... Karma pays u back with interest...
now, i have just started a dream job with fantastic prospects.. not to mention doubling my pay... also we have been blessed with an adorable son...
so, my advise to u, HJ is to be patient... pay off Karma for now.. be a strong girl and take it on the chin... u'll be paid in full plus interest later..
PS. i'm not in anyway suggesting that u can feel free to create bad Karma, serve ur due and then get paid back... best is to be as 'good' a person as possible..
i'm not a prude by the way.. Pre-maritial sex rocks. hahhaha
All the best babe!
Thanks for the clarification. But I'd like to indulge in some wishful thinking and serenade you this.
Hold on little girl
Show me what he's done to you
Stand up little girl
A broken heart can't be that bad
When it's through, it's through
Fate will twist the both of you
So come on baby come on over
Let me be the one to show you
I'm the one who wants to be with you
Deep inside I hope you feel it too
Waited on a line of greens and blues
Just to be the next to be with you~
When i treat others badly, eg my ex, i will in-turn have a bf that treats my doubly bad but but but, karma doesnt last long when you believe that he is not a karma to u....
Ger, when you think its karma, it is because its a down period for u but do not forget, going through the down times will make you feel more fortunate when there is 'sunshine after the rain'
Dont know if you understand what i meant haha.. cos bit here and there...
my primary school english teacher once said this to me.. after i complained about not being treated fairly....
"if there is anything i hope u learn from me is that 'life is never fair'. the sooner u accept that fact, the sooner u will begin to enjoy life"
Karma can be a bit*h... when bad karma hits u.. u then to ask urself did u bring about this? or why is it always me? why is life unfair to me?
i agree with David in the sense that u just have to take it on the chin. life is unfair sometimes. bad things happen to good ppl sometimes. accept it happens, and move on and persevere.
about ur GB, common goals and different time frames.. look at it this way... u can chose to ignore it for now.. or deal with it now... but know this... real issues dont go away.. but because ur new in this relationship, things can develop and change over time.. if u want a resolution now with GB, it can go either way... are u prepared for that just yet?
to further tease ur mind...
"good ppl vs bad ppl" who is good and who is bad? if the ppl we assume are bad are actually good and vice versa, then wouldnt assumed bad karma be good karma and good karma bad?
food for thought on a sleepy Friday morning hahaha
I thought I believe in Karma. However, this post made me think about it again.
In life, it is always instilled in us that people should behave well, be kind and just basically be good to other people. However, I realise that even good people will encounter obstacles and will have problems in life (I doubt there's anyone out there who has problems-free, smooth sailing days all the time). Problems r bound to come. N we have to deal with the problems to live through the days ahead, and we learned from it, we're aware and we come out stronger (hopefully better).
Whether there is Karma or not, I guess we just need to embrace life, walk through the rockiness of it, stumble, learn, and sometimes we really have to learn to not dwell on certain issues too much and move on. We need to accept it and not think about it too much, though it is hard... but well, that's life... we just have to live each day positively, always be hopeful and happy.
I hope whatever you're going through right now will get better with time. Be positive, Holly! That's the spirit. ^^
(Ps: I've been following your blog for the last couple of months and I love reading it, I think you write really well, it's entertaining and very witty, you have great personality too, keep up the good work babe)
There are indeed tings happen in life whc we cant explain or fathom. But I try to count te gd tings in life & appreciate them.
I knw life can nvr be perfect & i learn to go thru trial & testing with the grace of God
There will bound be times where arguments and disagreements will somehow sneak into the relationship.
The crucial way to have a great lover to/from GB is to work reach a mutual understanding.
relationships are not just about not cheating, treating someone well. Actually all these things are a given. So now, its more of what can you value-add. Are you interesting enough as a person? Do you have opinions, are you exciting. You need to be more than a pretty face. Also, don't expect so much from your bfs. They're not there to entertain you. Ask what you are giving them. After a while being good arm candy doesn't cut it. You should know by now that GB saying that its the wrong timing is a load of BS. You're just not someone he can spend the rest of his life with.
i know exactly what ur advising HJ there. i felt the same way with my ex. she was good to have around.. and i treated her the best i could then. but when push came to shove,i just didnt want to marry her. u can ask me then or u can ask me now, i dont have an answer for u why. but i guess the feeling just wasnt totally rite.
HJ, it maybe best to assess where u think u are with GB, relationship wise. then assess where he thinks u are. if possible, discuss to see if ur both aligned.
I feel it shows that you're aware of the mistakes you made, & are sorry for what you did. This will only make you a better person, so cheer up. Being what you are now will lead to good things, it's just a matter of time. (:
I'm one of your many regular readers, and I just wish to express some thoughts of mine that'd hopefully it'd make you feel better.
Never look back on what you did before when you were younger. Time changes people, and with every challenge you face, you'd be a better person.
I think it's not enough just to be an overall 'good' partner.. that's what I've learnt so far in my life. If someone loves you so much, he will be with you for who you are. One of my friends told me this wonderful quote, "If you can't accept the worst of me, then you don't deserve the best of me." It's true. We can't live our lives pleasing others, just so that they'll love us.
As women, I think we have the advantage of 'testing out' the men who are pursuing us to see how much they care to know about who we are, and then we can choose who to give the chance to, for a shot in a relationship. Never be in a rush to be in a relationship. Take your time to rediscover things that you really love doing... get into your hobbies again.. who knows if you will meet your Mr Right while doing such activities?
You have so many readers who can tell that you're a good-hearted person. Karma is just what it is, but self-belief is the way to go. Have faith that things will go down smoothly, and it will. You have so many things going on for you - don't let love affect the other areas of your life.
All the best.
There are ups and downs in life. It's just normal. Just be positive and do your best. Totally easier said than done. =X
All the best to you though! May you have better times this year. ^.^