I admit... growing up... I wasn't a very good girl.
No, I wasn't the spawn of the devil sort of bad ... but I have done things I'm not proud of.
As a young child, I wasn't exactly an angel (who was, anyway?!)....I was a selfish child... with the exception of my younger brother... whom I protected and looked out for as if he were my own child.
But what I am really not proud of... is how I spent my late teens and early 20s. I was a runaway train.. just coasting through life without a thought for others. The boyfriends who came into my life at this phase.. (I think)... had it bad.
Yeah, sure, I was fun. But I was also a liar. A party animal. To me, love and life was all a game and I was a very very very vindictive player.
It took me a long time to realise that a relationship isn't supposed to be a battle. Your partner is not your enemy. You're supposed to be on the same team!
Of course, over the last few years, (from my relationship with Mark .. onwards), I've been a much better partner. I'm not even the same person that I was in my teens/early 20s.
I can even swear that I did nothing wrong. Nothing wrong in terms of - I did not lie (white lies not counted of course). I did not cheat. I did not even entertain or flirt with the opposite sex while in a relationship. I was giving partner. I was very committed. Loyal. etc... you know.. all the things it takes to be a good partner...
Yet, somehow, even when life in a relationship is going well, it would always find a way to just turn around and bite me in the ass.
And then I just find myself standing here... thinking... what did I do wrong?!
The old me never deserved things falling into place... the old me was like a human wrecking ball.
But even though I'm no longer the old me. And I dare say I am a good person and a good partner (I know, I can hear the tune of my own trumpet being blown). But... It's like bad karma is still around me, fucking things up and dragging me down.
I hope the bad karma runs out soon. There's only so much disappointment I can take. Pretty soon, I'm not going to be able to be as bulletproof as I am now.
Do you believe in karma?