I've had my own share of pain when it comes to love. But at least, I broke away from it all without baggage (emotional or otherwise)... the only thing I feel robbed of, perhaps, is my time.
But it's better to lose time on someone, and realise he's not the one for me and just pick up the pieces, move on to start again, rather than be stuck in a rut you cannot undo.
You have no idea what some of my friends are going through now. :( It makes me selfishly fear... will my life take that path too? But there are no guarantees, are there? Did my friends see it (the bad stuff) coming but they chose to ignore it until it was too late to turn back? Or were they completely blindsided?
I don't want to be with someone who will make me miserable. I've not come this far, and gone through this much, only to settle for less than what is good for me. :(
GB flew home late last week... so I'm not going to see him until next year (he's back on the 5th).
It's already been 4 days since he left, but I'm not feeling it yet. I think mainly because I've been so busy over the weekend, working.
He's always made it a point to say that he doesn't buy presents for anyone... family, girlfriend, friends. Never. He's not the romatic sort. And based on being with him for 3 months, and having him constantly mention that he's not the mushy romantic sort of guy and that he never thinks of sweet gestures for his girlfriend... and that I should not expect that from him.
(one of my guy friends who has known me a while even commented- Holly, u know how delicate you are. Will you be happy with a guy like that? - and his comment worried me slightly)
But despite that, there's so many things I love and enjoy about GB. So I was 100% psyched and prepared not to get a Christmas present from him, and not feel sad about it.
I prepared myself to not be disappointed that he's away from me for Christmas AND New Year, plus I wouldn't have any surprise pressie on Christmas morning (well, at least not from my own BF).
I got him a present, knowing that he might very well not appreciate it (he keeps saying he hates presents) and might even tell me off for wasting money...
But I think life has a way of being gentle on you when the going gets a bit tough, and life has a funny way of dropping little signs to tell you hold on to this one, he's special.
Before GB left for the airport, as he was packing his bag, I droppped his present in his luggage. Shocker number one - He wasn't mad at me for buying him a gift!!! He thanked me, and even bothered to ask if it was fragile and whether it required special packing.
Then, to my honest surprise, shocker number two- He opened the SHOE CABINET... and there was a box, wrapped so neatly in paper with pink hearts. :)
It's sitting on my make up table now. I don't care what is inside. I don't care if it's something that suits me or not. I just am so happy that he bothered to do something so sweet... and even bothered hide it (in the shoe cabinet... haha!! He even was clever enough to hide it in the cabinet which I never open cos all his office shoes... while the other cabinet has some of my shoes).
Plus, I know he wrapped it himself, he even proudly showed me the bits of wrapper left over from the roll! (makes me feel a bit guilty for doing a botch job wrapping his present!!)
When I look at this pink box full of hearts, I feel such a burst of happiness inside. And then I wonder, why am I so scared of this thing called love?
Is it because so many of my friends who are seemingly ahead of me (in terms of marriage, family, pregnancy, owning their own homes etc) are beginning to obviously falter? And I look at them and ask myself.. wtf? Is THAT what I've been striving for?
Or am I just different from everyone else, and I will find my own way to what I deem as happily ever after.... slowly... but surely (?).
I never used to be like this. I used to be the girl that fell madly in love in three seconds flat. Instead I have become the girl who sits here...slightly frightened at the prospect of what could be a great relationship, and possibly, my happily ever after.
Jesus, Holly.... ramble much?
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