Friday, November 19, 2010

HARDEN THE FUCK UP, PRINCESS!

Something's been on my mind the last few days...

GB and I discussed the holidays coming up. And he has to pop into Germany for a day on his way back to Hungary for Christmas. His company is paying for his flight (cos he still has a big chunk of his travel budget unused this year) so he's using it up on a more costly flight back. (maybe business class, this I'm not sure, didn't ask).


Then he said that I could fly to Hungary via France, a couple days after him (it is much cheaper than if I were to stop in Germany). And right after that sentence he said, maybe I should come after Christmas instead, since Christmas is just a family thing there.


Afterwhich, I just said I won't come this time. And he said ok.


And that was it.

I actually do think it's a waste of his money to fly me all the way there for a few days over new years. And it's money he should be saving for a rainy day.

But it sort of sucked big time, that he said "ok" so readily, at the prospect of spending Christmas, and New Years without me.


Suddenly, I'm not looking forward to this holiday season. Christmas is no problem, since my family has a nice dinner usually. Plus it would be nice to spend this Chirstmas at home, because last Christmas I was in Phuket with Mark (Yes, even though we were already in the process of splitting up! I guess it was a case of finding comfort in the familiar, for us at that point).


But I am already wondering what am I going to do for this New Year's alone? My married friends are spending it with their husbands/wives/kids. ( My heart went awwww... when my cousin Kristian answered , " Same thing as last year, bring in the new year with my wife and son.")


My single friends are hitting the clubs to party in the new year (a prospect that I don't really look forward to somehow, now that I am attached).


The most likely option is a short trip somewhere. I have been lemming for Japan for so long, and it would be neat to be the first in the world to welcome the New Year.

I should be happy. After searching most of this year, I've finally found someone special in my life! But I'm just a bit sad because... suddenly, special isn't all it's cracked up to be.


I seldom ask you for favours, but just this once, please tell me I shouldn't feel like this? Tell me that it's no big deal? As long as the relationship is going well, that's reason enough to smile. Tell me that it's a whole lot worse to not have anyone special in my life.


Maybe I need a reality check, so tell me I should just suck it up. It's no big deal, Holly Jean!
.

There'll be other New Years' and Christmases to come where he will want to have me by his side, no matter what. So don't sweat this one.



Please tell me not to cry. It sucks to feel this way, Christmas is more than a month away... I don't want to feel sucky for so long. When sponsors ask me to pick dresses out for the Christmas season, I'm saying, no thanks because I don't really want to think about it.... yet everywhere i go, every thought I think right now, is that I'm not going to see him (he said it's for less than 2 wks, yet I'm sure it's going to be more).

It also just dawned on me that I will probably miss his Birthday too since it's in the first week of January.
------------------------------
P/s- I don't feel that this r'ship is in trouble or anything like that. It's actually going well. It's just a case of opposites attract... Mr Logically Practical & Miss Sensitive Romantic.

49 comments:

  1. Anonymous12:45 pm

    Hakuna matata :)

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  2. Anonymous12:52 pm

    u said it yourself in the title of this post holly.

    it sucks, but don't wallow. hopefully if this relationship is for the long term, there'll be more birthdays and new years to spend together.

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  3. Anonymous12:53 pm

    wow, sorry, that does suck.

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  4. I don't think you're being too sensitive HJ. I would be pretty upset if my BF said that I don't need to come for Christmas because it's only for family.

    WTF. That would show me where I stand in his life.

    But yes, don't worry about it. Your life is fantastic. I would kill to look like you, and have your personality .. just have a blast this New Year's whatever you do. I am sure I will read about how great NY is for your in your blog.

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  5. GlamGen1:01 pm

    Babe, it will be ok. If it's any consolation... my Christmas and New Year will be worse.

    Hang in there and look forward to spending it here in Singapore with family and friends. We could even do something together! :)

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  6. Clara Hwang1:25 pm

    Hey, at least he even automatically suggested and assumed you were going over.
    Know what my ex boyfriend did? He said he might go back to UK for x'mas after we've dated for almost 6 months, he didn't ask me along. Not once, and he was intending to be away for more than a month. Never once did he offer for me to come along, or even try to think of a solution to solve this month long distance, and when i finally couldn't hold it in any longer and asked him, 'why didn't you ask me along?'

    His answer was, get this. 'I don't know.'

    This same line has been used over and over throughout my relationship with him. What's going to happen if you have to leave sg? 'I don't know' What do you want out of this relationship? 'I don't know' Do you still want to be together? 'I don't know' Do you still feel for me? 'I don't know' Imagine the mental torture i had to go through with this man? I gave him all my patience, my love hoping something would move him into decisiveness.

    In the end, I was just, in chinese, we have a saying 'borrowing the bridge to cross the river' In this case, i was stupidly the bridge.

    And the ironic part is, you know him.

    So my take is, just be content, don't nitpick. He may not mean anything by that. Keep your intentions clear, when in doubt, just ask. Communication is key. Men like straightforwardness and I think that's something we women have to take a lesson from.

    Good luck :)

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  7. Anonymous1:30 pm

    Reality check? He's just not that into you.

    But that doesn't stop you from being happy and fabulous. Got it?

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  8. Anonymous1:31 pm

    well ... cher!! ^^ if u free on any of the weekends and need company, i can accompany u ( but just that our wavelenght-->im very lame ) long time since i last saw u cher.. most of us miss u !!! > ~ <
    -->>GK

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  9. Anonymous1:31 pm

    ahh.. i'm a girl but i kinda have the same feelings as BG. even though i have someone really special in my life, i'm not comfortable with the idea of inviting him to family events etc simply because the mindset is "just family". maybe it's a chinese thing but i know that in my family's mind (especially the extended family with aunts uncles grandparents) bringing someone for such an event is when you're already as close as you can get to being engaged/married. it's a statement without outrightly saying it, this person is now family. my special person had no qualms about inviting me to dinner with his parents even though we weren't even seeing each other exclusively a while back. i suppose the importance of the event varies with different people? it doesn't mean you aren't important to him!

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  10. Hey Holly, feel better ok? You are not over-reacting, I would be super pissed off too in your situation - the thought of spending xmas and new year's alone is just horrible. But then again, I think that introducing you to the folks (have you met them yet?) is quite a big step too, and he shouldn't be forced to have to do it before he is ready just because xmas and new year is coming up. I think maybe he wants to be sure before he takes that leap? I would have approached it a bit more delicately than him though - its a tough situation. If I were him, i would compromise: spend xmas with his folks and then come back to be with you for new years.

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  11. Oops just wanted to add. Don't tell yourself to harden the fuck up! Its ok you are feeling this way.. its normal. Don't deny how you are feeling, but try to understand how he may be feeling too. :) gd luck

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  12. Yeah, I think your title says it all.

    It wasn't like he didn't offer to do something at all. He offered a solution but is wasn't to your liking, so you should have discussed the terms further yourself by suggesting something more to your liking. But you threw that answer out there to test him.

    If you think about it, any day isn't special, unless you make it so, just some idea the society/marketers wants you to buy into. And any day can be special just because of the precious time we spent with our love ones.

    But ultimately, if you can't let it go because it is important to you, you should be telling him so. How important things are to people differs greatly for everyone. If things are going well for you two, I don't think he said things knowing that it will hurt you; he just sees things differently. People can't read minds, and how people view things varies widely. It is imperative that you bring it up with him calmly, letting him know how you feel. If you don't, chances are you will be grumpy and it will only shadow your relationship for god knows how long, and things will just simmer slowly over time.

    A lot of the times, things actually aren't all that bad, people just worry themselves into a tizzy. Take a deep breath, think about what you want to say, and do so calmly. Take heart.

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  13. @ Jess- I already met his folks in Hungary early last month. @ Clara Huang - who is ur ex? got me curious now.. (little clue??) @anon1.31- I know what you mean. GB did mention before that his ex ( who was chinese) never introduced him to her family even after 6 years of dating. But i dont think tht's the issue with us, as we have met each other's families.

    @GlamGen - ok!

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  14. sam :)3:21 pm

    honestly, i think guys just take our "answers" at face value and don't second guess or think of why we said it or if we wanted something else!

    I always asked my guy friends if there was one thing they could change about women, what it would be and i've got a consensus that it must be for us to "mean what we say and say what we mean!". cause men really don't think twice to things said like us women! You know how we go on and on about "maybe he means this, or what if he's doing this because.." men just don't do that! if you say you don't want to, then he'll just go okay, and prob if you asked him why he didn't insist that you go, he'll probably say "cause you said you didn't want to, so i didn't bother forcing you"!

    and i don't know if you believe in horoscopes, but my boyfriend's birthday is prob around the same as GB (guessing from your mention of his birthday) and they really sometimes sound alike! That being said, I know my bf really really loves me and if you ask abit deeper and not just assume his intentions or thoughts, you'll realize it too! :)

    so cheer up alright! if you really don't think that you'll be happy here alone (or in Japan) then just tell GB that you changed your mind and would like to go with him! Sometimes we've got to take control of the situation instead of letting it get to us!

    smile!! :D

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  15. Anonymous3:45 pm

    yes it sucks. im pretty sure every girl will feel the pinch in your situation. it will help if he suggested making it up to you for not spending special occasions with you.

    Making up is always impt to calm girls down! It's like you can't get the best but you'll try to make the best of it.

    So there, GB if you are reading!! Do a make up romantic NY with your princess once you are back or perhaps buy her a surprise gift!! all girls need that little lovin you know! come on! it's not that difficult trying really! =)

    nicole

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  16. Anonymous4:01 pm

    Hey Holly, I would feel shitty too cos it gets you wondering why he didn't even try to persuade you a bit more to go. So it's normal. But how come you didn't ask him about the fact that he just said "ok"? I mean maybe you should talk to him. And I'm not sure if it's a good idea to write about your issues on your blog. Yes, I know you're a very open person and it's your style but then wouldn't it be worse if everyone comes have his or her say when they don't really know the dynamics of your relationship? Just a thought really. And GB reads your blog? I mean if he does, would he not be asking you how come you don't discuss with him, given that he's quite private?

    Anyway, I hear you babe but well, it's still early part of your relationship where you guys trying to figure out what makes each other tick and it's important to talk about things. But hey, you really should plan something with your friends instead cos just becos you're in a relationship doesn't mean you have to stick together all the time lah!

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  17. Krystal5:09 pm

    Why don't you pay for your own ticket? At least it shows you're making an effort to be with him and not sulking at the fact he said "ok".

    Sometimes in a relationship, you're gotta give and take. Make the effort,babe.

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  18. Anonymous5:12 pm

    even the blind can tell you where you stand in the relationship!

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  19. Anonymous5:13 pm

    Mew is wise.

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  20. Anonymous5:33 pm

    That's interesting. I've also had a similar experience with a guy from the UK whom Holly knows too.

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  21. Noami7:32 pm

    I do think guys are really plain simple creatures and they usually don't like to read too much into things, yes meand yes and no means no.

    Your relationship is still very young, why not take a chill pill about it (I know for girls, they put their guys on the pedestal especially in the initial part of relationships) guys on the other hand, they give and commit, little by little but they do.. give him a breather and be cool about it. Maybe he does wanna just keep it among family (its tiring to translate and making sure you are not left ut etc) My fiance is the same and he did mention sometimes he missed his parents and just wanna catch up in his native language. Its the holidays and he probably spend 80% of his time with you and 20% with them so just let him have this holiday celebration with his family.

    If the relationship is on the right track, everyday is Christmas and New year doll! Go crash some gfs' parties and stop feeling sorry for yourself. :)

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  22. @ Naomi & most of the rest...

    thanks guys. I am feeling much better. I really do like him a loooooooooooot... and there are so many things I love about him.

    I suppose 2 weeks is an ok time to be apart. And I actually do look forward to meeting my friends for parties and stuff.

    Just tht i wish he had broke it to me lightly and with more sensitivity rather than make me feel like i meant nothing to him, and even feel like he's secretly pleased I said I wasn't going... (it really felt like tht).

    But GB is just a VERY straight forward kinda guy, he doesnt have the soft skills which makes someone sugarcoat stuff to make it go down easier...

    when we were in Hungary, he told a girl ( his friend's girl), that she was "very unfit". It was a WTF moment .. I could see it in her face... and i even changed the subject by bringing up a bimbo topic cos I wanted to ease the shittiness she must have felt.

    so yeah.. love him or hate him, tht's my GB. :)

    (btw, yes GB does read my blog, but I did ask him if it was ok to post about how I felt abt him going away without me... and he said it was fine, and tht he wld even refrain from commenting.)

    And it's still kinda private, as in GB could be tht guy sitting beside u right now, and you wouldn't know it... only a few of my friends, and a few of his friends know who "GB" really is.

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  23. Clara Hwang9:59 pm

    Hey anon 5.33pm Drop me or holly an email. For all we know it's the same guy! Holly can't have that many male UK friends doing the same things yeah? :)

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  24. You could totally come to Japan with me. I'm a girl, so GB won't get jealous. Plus I swear I'm not some weird lesbo stalker with a butter knife in my pocket. Plus I'll share my mace with you ('cos you always hear stories about old japanese dudes fondling themselves on subways, better safe than sorry).
    Agree? Agree! xo

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  25. @D- u wanna count down the new year in Japan?

    I already checked out the tix and hotels.. can get a hotel right smack in tokyo for 800 plus (twin sharing) for 5 nights. which is so cheap.. for japan over New Years! but there were cheaper options too (but didnt look nice).

    and flights over this peak period is abt 700 for m'sia air. (i've flown m'sia air a couple times, service is ok)

    drop me an email if ur still interested.

    I actually have a guy fren who is interested (my best fren). but I think GB wld be more comfy if i went with a girl instead.

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  26. Anonymous10:30 pm

    Hey holly,
    Just wondering as I read your posts...doesn't GB read them? And if he doesn't, is he not curious? I'm sure your blog is just a google search away if he doesn't know it. And if he does...hey I think I vaguely remember him leaving a comment before, correct me if I'm wrong. So how come you're comfortable talking about him and how his behaviour affects you etc on this blog?

    As for your problem, think about whether in a year's time this will be an issue. In the grand scheme of things, what is one X'mas/NY?

    N

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  27. Anonymous10:43 pm

    There's a saying (I forgot the exact saying) that the listener hears a different meaning from what the speaker is saying. What you hear is different from what the speaker actually means. This could be due to the different assumptions made by the listener and speaker. So I think you could have ask GB more about it rather than clamming up and ending the conversation at that point.

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  28. Hey Holly, it's okay to feel this way and I don't think you are being over-sensitive or anything. Perhaps he just needs to learn to be more sensitive. My bf is like that as well. I'd throw a tantrum, tell him how I really feel, and he will explain himself properly, and all ends well. I hope you can still have a wonderful Christmas and New Year! :)

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  29. Anonymous2:11 am

    omg holly, you aren't 'family' yet. suck it up. also, you won't die spending the holidays without him. grow up!
    look on the positive side: family/tradition matters enough to him. when you finally have a family with him, won't that put you at ease?
    the whining makes you seem really needy. and it could set off alarms bells for him too. i say take it in your stride and he'll think he's lucky to have an awesome understanding girlfriend.

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  30. Ok I'm just giving my two cents ok... Personally I don't see anything wrong. Am I weırd? :S

    I like space in a rship, ıt doesnt mean that ıt means nothıng to me. I cld fancy the pants off my partner but tımes lıke certaın festıve season, I apprecıate tıme off to spend wıth my famıly or gal frıends etc.

    To be havıng my bf around, whıle ıt can be nıce there ll be tımes when ı just wanna be myself as the ıdıot ın the famıly, and talk about personal famıly stuff or havıng personal jokes etc... Know what I mean??

    It made sense to me and thats why ı stıll have great rshıp w my bf after nearly 5 years. Its a dıff matter ıf we're marrıed then ı'll be PART OF THE FAMILY. Trust me, you wldnt wanna be 'part of the famıly' too soon, you can have lots of ıt when ya marrıed.

    Bottomlıne ıs space ıs healthy and dont take thıngs personally cos ıt ıs really understood that he wants some alone famıly tıme. Hes afterall lıvıng ın Sıngapore and cldnt fly as often as he can back home so let hım enjoy hıs tıme wıth hıs famıly and frıends. You've met hıs famıly already so what's there to be ınsecure or down about??

    Chın up babe!

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  31. Andrea6:14 am

    Hey Holly, don't be too upset with what GB has said. I am starting to think that this is a European thing to do, after having lived with my Norwegian man for a month now. Although my relationship seem young, I realized there are very noticeable differences between dating a European, an Asian and Australasian. I don't think GB meant to hurt you at all! Actually I think that if you ask him, he will probably say that it was a waste of money and he was thinking that this money could be used for other things. I don't know if I make any sense but I hope that you don't feel too upset. Huggles!

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  32. Anonymous7:53 am

    Seriously gals shdnt b too clingy to men. Really, this is NOT the end of the world. :/

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  33. geraldine Tan8:18 am

    totally know where youre coming from! BUT dont sweat the small stuff, holly :)

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  34. mmMM I would feel the same too so it's perfectly normal to feel upset.. but don't let yourself be upset for long... Enjoy him while he's around.

    Special days aren't Christmas/New Years/Birthdays.... they are days we make special for ourselves. :)

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  35. Anonymous3:04 pm

    Thats a sign.... follow your brain, not your heart this time... If he is really serious about you, he would have want to include you in his family occasions and not exclude you ... Plus its supposingly the first Christmas and New Year together?

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  36. Anonymous6:28 pm

    My boyfriend broke up with me last week. And i've been thinking a whole lot about how I'm going to spend Christmas and New Years since he always spent these festive seasons with me for the past three years.

    At least he's yours to have when he comes back. Mine isn't ever coming back to me.

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  37. Anonymous7:51 pm

    Feeling all sorry and sad for yourself and the situation is the weakest link. I am sorry to say this but SERIOUSLY..... we have more things to fret about in life than to be concern on how we are going to spend xmas/NY on our own w/o our loved ones.

    Why not spread some love around to those less fortunate kids who would not have anyone to spend "any" xmas/NY due to unfortunate circumstance? I know its hard for you to swallow certain things as you and perhaps we all have expectations of things and people.

    when expectations are not met, disappointment sets in. Perhaps its time to do a reality check, not in a negative way but on a positive note. This note will carry you on longer with him as you adjust yr expectation level.

    I hope that during this weekend after GB took a glimpse of yr blog would sit you down and talk about this to get it out from your system. Nothing beats a heart to heart talk , wear yr heart on yr sleeve on this. DO not shrug it off nonchalantly and only to kick a fuss thereafter. ALL men detest that.

    good luck

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  38. Anon 2:11am echoed my exact sentiments. Thats perfect, harsh n sound advice.

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  39. That IS cheap, especially for JAPAN over the FESTIVE PERIOD! If I can take sufficient time off I'd love to go!

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  40. Anonymous2:45 pm

    i don't get it. why can't you pay for your own tickets? sometimes you come across as a gold digger. holiday here n there --> all paid by men. as an independent woman, it bothers me why you can't just pay for your own ticket! geeez!

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  41. Anonymous4:55 pm

    This is a quite a whiny post. Yes, 'harden the fuck up' please! You've been together with him only less than a year so it is NOT surprising that he is more nonchalant now. Probably doesn't think you are The One yet.

    He's obviously nice enough to ask you to fly over initially. But perhaps, he feels that you being there distracts him from his family. After all, he doesn't see his family much and so he doesn't want to divide spending his time between his family and entertaining you as a guest in Hungary.

    Christmas = family/religion and being thankful. So just... be thankful and not mull over it.

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  42. Anonymous7:15 pm

    @anonymous 2:45 PM, November 21, 2010


    How can she be a "Gold Digger" when the reason she did not want to go was because she did not want to waste his money! A gold digger would have gone for the trip when he invited, not whine about it!

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  43. you sound reallyyy insecure and needy. I wonder how GB would feel after seeing for himself how you whined about him in your blog, esp since he apparently treasures his privacy quite a bit :S

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  44. @anon2.45 - I think it's a waste of $ whether GB pays for it or I pay for it. That's why I didn't want to fly up just for a few days.

    If i end up going to Japan instead, of course I'm paying for my own trip.


    @Bel & some others worried abt GB: Don't worry. I checked with him prior if I could post abt what i felt abt this issue, and he said ok. He even said tht he wld refrain from commenting on the blog post.

    Of course I would not slander or criticise my BF on my blog. I wanted to share what I was feeling.

    We talked abt the trip yesterday too... and yeah, it's resolved now. :)

    I hv to say though, listening to my blog readers accounts of their own experiences here in the comments section (as well as emails) has been helpful. so I thank you all for sharing your honest and even painful experiences. Makes me realise what I have with GB.

    people just have different ways of dealing with conflict. GB's is just ignore it (!!) so he never discussed this matter cos he thought it was trivial (he even said so today)... and me i go apeshit in my head if i cannot voice my feelings.

    so this "purging" on my blog has actually been helpful.

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  45. sherin10:45 pm

    hey I know i'm late but i wanted to post my opinion anyways.

    My family is very traditional, and while they're ok with meeting with gfs/ bfs, christmas is only for family. That means unless you're married to the person , it is a private affair....

    It really does not mean that I dont love my bf to bits!!!

    Take care!

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  46. Survivor11:24 pm

    Ditto Anon 2:45. I pay for my own tickets and split the accomodation cost when I go vacation with my bf. I prefer to be independent coz we all work hard for our money. :)

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  47. Anonymous10:24 am

    i hope your bf doesn't read your blog because all that whining about your rship when if you have issues you should just go talk to him straight instead.

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  48. Tiffany5:17 pm

    Hi Holly,

    I've read thru all comments but no one seem to feel what I felt after reading your entry. So I hope to share a few thoughts with you.

    Firstly I think it's sweet of him to invite you over to meet his family for Christmas! And you turning him down IS a big blow to him and his ego. Thus explains his "Ok" reply. He doesn't want to seem as if he cared whether you agree or not to protect his ego. I may be wrong but speaking from experience this seem like the case.

    It's not about him nor you. It's about learning more of each other, right down to the quirky details. It's about getting used to each other, and learning how he responds in certain situation.

    I am happy that he's a family man because a man who cares for his family will definitely care for his future family with you.

    And if you really love him, you would jump at the chance to spend Christmas with him even if it means celebrating it in the worst part of India.

    Money is not the issue. Love is.

    You might say that you love him to bits. But think about what if he doesn't do the things you like him to do. I once challenged myself to think that if my bf was in an accident and is wheelchair bound for life, would I still stay? If he was badly burned in a fire and looks disfigured, would I still stay?

    The reason why you enter into a relationship is in hope that it will end in a marriage. So work towards it. If you're in a true relationship, you will know that it's more giving & sacrifice than receiving. But you won't be disappointed in the end.

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  49. Hi Tiffany,
    thank you for sharing.

    But I was NOT INVITED to spend xmas with him there as it's "just a family thing". I would have loved to be able to spend special occasions with my BF.

    I felt tht his invite for me to go there AFTER christmas was not sincere... as it kind of made no sense to spend thousands, and fly for 2 days in total, only to be there for like 4 days?! By the time I am over the jet lag, I would be back in Singapore already.

    ANd I think he knew that, when he offered for me to go over after christmas. And tht hurts.

    (you know... it's kinda like taht person who always offers to pay for dinner knowing that others would decline, and the hand never actually comes out of the pocket.)

    So of course i said no I wasn't going. ANd of course he didn't insist on it. I don't think it's an ego thing, but really because he never wanted me there in the first place.

    And he's kinda confirmed tht anyway, when we talked abt it over the weekend. Tht he thinks I am better off in SG for the holidays as his friends and family all cant spk to me cos they dont know english. How he thinks it's actually damn boring there for me. I think cost is also an issue.

    Which is fine.... had he just been completely honest with a heartfelt talk in the first place, instead of extending an insincere invitation. Which i took offence with.

    But now tht i know his reasons, I am fine with being apart for xmas, new years and prob his birthday (1st few days of jan).

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