He's Not The One

When it comes to picking a man, there are some things I wish I would have realised when I was turning 20 instead only just now... as I am turning 30.

Not that I would have wanted to get married back in my early 20s... (Yikes! I would feel like I haven't had a chance to really live life yet!) But it's just that... now, I look back at a lot of my past relationships and think that most of it was unnecessary hassle.

I cried/ had sleepless nights/ had inner turmoil/ fought/ spent time/ spent money/ put in a lot of effort into boys and men who really didn't deserve any of it. I should have used that time learning a few new languages or making money or painting my toe nails.

(Though I'm sure they're probably saying the same about me... especially those who dated the Holly Jean in her early to mid 20s)

This year... Post Mark and Pre GB (yes, for now, my new BF shall be referred to as GB, short for geek boy. I will talk about how we met/etc in another post soon) ...

ANYWAY... yes, post Mark and pre GB, I dated a few truck loads of men. No kidding. (The amount of shitty first dates???? Man... It would have made great blog fodder... but I could not blog specifically about any of it. *conscience be damned!* ....It wouldn't be fair to the men I dated and some of them were great men, just not a match for me).

I know many of you don't agree with my date and dump type technique. But I still don't regret it. The next thing I'm going to say might enrage some of you... but I really think it's true and possibly helpful to other singletons out there swimming in a big sea of other single people...

People are disposable.

Yes. You need to look at it that way... people are disposable, until you find one that's worth keeping.

Throw! Throw! Throw! Let the wrong ones go... because they may be the right ones for other people. Just not You. Perhaps you don't want to let go of the current catch because you think you might not do better? Or you don't want to be alone? But how the hell are you going to find that one special person in this huge ass mofo Sea of singles, if you're too afraid to let go of the wrong ones?!

After all these years of dating the wrong kind of men, I can immediately spot the signs that I am going to have to send him back into the sea for some other unlucky girl to catch.

Sometimes, especially after months of reeling in bad catches, I get inclined to let the man stay a while (either because he's charming, or handsome, or fun...)... sometimes, I even have moments where I wistfully think that maybe I can change him... but then thankfully, my common sense kicks in and I tell myself that can't waste my time on people who don't deserve it.... and then I let that sucker swim.

So here are my top 15 signs that He's Not The One:

1. He won't say you're his GF.

Does he still introduce you as a 'friend'? Does he think he'll lose street cred among his friends if he gave you any status in his life? Cut that line girl! Let him go.

2. He won’t meet your family or friends

Ok... within reason. Don't chuck this on him in the first few weeks. But if you two get serious, and he's adverse to any family related events ( for instance, a birthday party or something) then he may have commitment issues.

3. He's Close to The Ex

This used to be me... up to a couple of months ago. Mark and I were still doing coffees and lunches, and laughing on the phone every other day. I admit now, it was wrong. Even though we had no intention of getting back together, I should have put a greater distance between us.

I'm not saying be enemies with the ex, or pretend they don't exist! But the kind of closeness Mark & I had was not healthy and hindered any future relationships.

(Which is why I think that things really have a way of working themselves out. When I met GB, it was just the right timing... any earlier, and I might still have been too close to Mark. And this new relationship would not have had the clean, happy and very promising start it has had so far).

4. Your Gut Feel

You get a feeling in your stomach that tells you he isn’t right for you.

5. You get great news and he isn’t the first person you think to call.

6. He's Too Busy for you

He’s always too busy to make plans with you. He'll plan everything else in his schedule, like a diving trip, a beer night.... a new hobby. But when it comes to you, you feel like you're getting the leftovers, if his other plans fall through.

7. You Don't Miss Him

You don't think of him fondly or miss him when he's not around.

8. He SAYS he's not ready to be in a relationship

OK, so he's had a bad past, been hurt badly before... oh boo freaking hoo! If he thinks he's not ready to be in a relationship, then he definitely shouldn't be in one. Dump him, unless you want to be the girl he sleeps around with until he finds some other girl that he suddenly wants to be in a relationship with.

9. You Don't Want To Be Around Him

The thought of spending the whole weekend together makes you both cringe.

10. You say “I love you” and suddenly it goes oh so quiet.

Of course you should not expect a response if you Say I Love You before he's ready. But some men.... will never be ready. Read my previous post - Never Say I Love You First.

11. No Nesting!

If you leave something small at his place, like a bracelet or hair band... he gives it back to you immediately the next time he sees you.

12. Eyes Roll

Like a decade ago, the nerdy me who still read books just for fun... read that psychologists could gauge whether a couple would last or not... based on watching their body language while they were in a room together.

If a partner rolls his/her eyes at the other. Not in a playful way.. but in the kind of way where your partner has put you off and he's not even looking at you.. but you still roll your eyes.

13. He Doesn't Talk

Instead of telling you why he’s upset, he reacts by doing something to upset you or storms out of the room during an argument.

14. You Don't Trust Him

Especially from the very start. I mean.. trust takes time to build.. but some men, from the very start, kind of leave you questioning and suspicious.... it's an awful feeling! If he makes you feel like this... then he's not the one. The One that is right for you should make you feel contented, protected and secure... and also make you feel like you want to give him that same feeling too.

15. You don't feel a spark

I know some of you think I live in a fairy tale La La land... but I still do believe that when you meet THE ONE, you get butterflies... you feel an unexplainable surge on your Happiness meter. I've dated many good men before, but I somehow knew they were not for me, because I didn't feel that magic.