Friday, September 17, 2010

He's Not The One

When it comes to picking a man, there are some things I wish I would have realised when I was turning 20 instead only just now... as I am turning 30.

Not that I would have wanted to get married back in my early 20s... (Yikes! I would feel like I haven't had a chance to really live life yet!) But it's just that... now, I look back at a lot of my past relationships and think that most of it was unnecessary hassle.

I cried/ had sleepless nights/ had inner turmoil/ fought/ spent time/ spent money/ put in a lot of effort into boys and men who really didn't deserve any of it. I should have used that time learning a few new languages or making money or painting my toe nails.

(Though I'm sure they're probably saying the same about me... especially those who dated the Holly Jean in her early to mid 20s)

This year... Post Mark and Pre GB (yes, for now, my new BF shall be referred to as GB, short for geek boy. I will talk about how we met/etc in another post soon) ...

ANYWAY... yes, post Mark and pre GB, I dated a few truck loads of men. No kidding. (The amount of shitty first dates???? Man... It would have made great blog fodder... but I could not blog specifically about any of it. *conscience be damned!* ....It wouldn't be fair to the men I dated and some of them were great men, just not a match for me).

I know many of you don't agree with my date and dump type technique. But I still don't regret it. The next thing I'm going to say might enrage some of you... but I really think it's true and possibly helpful to other singletons out there swimming in a big sea of other single people...

People are disposable.

Yes. You need to look at it that way... people are disposable, until you find one that's worth keeping.

Throw! Throw! Throw! Let the wrong ones go... because they may be the right ones for other people. Just not You. Perhaps you don't want to let go of the current catch because you think you might not do better? Or you don't want to be alone? But how the hell are you going to find that one special person in this huge ass mofo Sea of singles, if you're too afraid to let go of the wrong ones?!

After all these years of dating the wrong kind of men, I can immediately spot the signs that I am going to have to send him back into the sea for some other unlucky girl to catch.

Sometimes, especially after months of reeling in bad catches, I get inclined to let the man stay a while (either because he's charming, or handsome, or fun...)... sometimes, I even have moments where I wistfully think that maybe I can change him... but then thankfully, my common sense kicks in and I tell myself that can't waste my time on people who don't deserve it.... and then I let that sucker swim.

So here are my top 15 signs that He's Not The One:

1. He won't say you're his GF.
Does he still introduce you as a 'friend'? Does he think he'll lose street cred among his friends if he gave you any status in his life? Cut that line girl! Let him go.

2. He won’t meet your family or friends
Ok... within reason. Don't chuck this on him in the first few weeks. But if you two get serious, and he's adverse to any family related events ( for instance, a birthday party or something) then he may have commitment issues.

3. He's Close to The Ex
This used to be me... up to a couple of months ago. Mark and I were still doing coffees and lunches, and laughing on the phone every other day. I admit now, it was wrong. Even though we had no intention of getting back together, I should have put a greater distance between us.

I'm not saying be enemies with the ex, or pretend they don't exist! But the kind of closeness Mark & I had was not healthy and hindered any future relationships.

(Which is why I think that things really have a way of working themselves out. When I met GB, it was just the right timing... any earlier, and I might still have been too close to Mark. And this new relationship would not have had the clean, happy and very promising start it has had so far).

4. Your Gut Feel
You get a feeling in your stomach that tells you he isn’t right for you.

5. You get great news and he isn’t the first person you think to call.

6. He's Too Busy for you
He’s always too busy to make plans with you. He'll plan everything else in his schedule, like a diving trip, a beer night.... a new hobby. But when it comes to you, you feel like you're getting the leftovers, if his other plans fall through.

7. You Don't Miss Him
You don't think of him fondly or miss him when he's not around.

8. He SAYS he's not ready to be in a relationship
OK, so he's had a bad past, been hurt badly before... oh boo freaking hoo! If he thinks he's not ready to be in a relationship, then he definitely shouldn't be in one. Dump him, unless you want to be the girl he sleeps around with until he finds some other girl that he suddenly wants to be in a relationship with.

9. You Don't Want To Be Around Him
The thought of spending the whole weekend together makes you both cringe.

10. You say “I love you” and suddenly it goes oh so quiet.
Of course you should not expect a response if you Say I Love You before he's ready. But some men.... will never be ready. Read my previous post - Never Say I Love You First.

11. No Nesting!
If you leave something small at his place, like a bracelet or hair band... he gives it back to you immediately the next time he sees you.

12. Eyes Roll
Like a decade ago, the nerdy me who still read books just for fun... read that psychologists could gauge whether a couple would last or not... based on watching their body language while they were in a room together.

If a partner rolls his/her eyes at the other. Not in a playful way.. but in the kind of way where your partner has put you off and he's not even looking at you.. but you still roll your eyes.
13. He Doesn't Talk
Instead of telling you why he’s upset, he reacts by doing something to upset you or storms out of the room during an argument.

14. You Don't Trust Him
Especially from the very start. I mean.. trust takes time to build.. but some men, from the very start, kind of leave you questioning and suspicious.... it's an awful feeling! If he makes you feel like this... then he's not the one. The One that is right for you should make you feel contented, protected and secure... and also make you feel like you want to give him that same feeling too.

15. You don't feel a spark
I know some of you think I live in a fairy tale La La land... but I still do believe that when you meet THE ONE, you get butterflies... you feel an unexplainable surge on your Happiness meter. I've dated many good men before, but I somehow knew they were not for me, because I didn't feel that magic.

13 comments:

  1. Anonymous1:22 pm

    That's a lot of points to take!! But i would still say some of them depends on the situation.

    This brought to my mind something i would like to ask. Suppose the guy seem to be everything you wished he'd be, would you ask how about his educational/financial status? I had friends who were into relationship and when everything seems right after a while, she found out he has been in debt for the past few years. Not to say he is a bad guy.

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  2. How about if your bf's parents cannot stand the sight of you now? Like they dont even bother being civil towards you. Instead, they're just downright mean and disrespectful towards you. And your bf has never taken the time or effort to introduce u to his parents as his "girl friend" even though you've been to his place many times.

    I'm in that situation right now. And of course it hurts when his parents are mean to me or treat me like some sort of hooker when I go over.

    And mind you, we 've been dating for almost 2 years now

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  3. Anonymous8:33 pm

    I give it 3 months....

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  4. Anonymous9:01 pm

    whr do u find so many men to date n dispose? r u with a matchmaking agency?

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  5. Anonymous1:36 am

    holly - thanks so much for this post. i definitely need it! i am so afraid to 'throw' away my recent ex, we dated for 5 years before i finally decided it was the last straw but somehow i am still holding on. but now - i think i will slowly and definitely do it!

    grats on the new guy! i hope i will be able to find mine soon. to be back in the dating field sucks ):

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  6. Hey Holly Jean,

    I like your photo. You looks natural sweet

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  7. totally agree with the last one -spark! :)

    and don't worry Holly, I live in a fairytale lalaland kinda thing too ;)

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  8. Anonymous3:05 pm

    That pic very chio leh!!!

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  9. @anon1.22- well.. educational status.. like whether he has a degree or not.. doesn't matter. What matters is the kind of person he is.. and u can figure tht out in conversation, without having to like look at a report card! If he's stupid etc it will surface in conversation.

    Regarding financial status... I think tht IF he is in debt.. I mean heavily in debt.. not like a car loan or something... he shld volunteer this information within the first 5 dates or so... as things start to get serious. otherwise, it would be like he's hiding it on purpose. If it's going to affect your life together with him, he shld tell you abt it. not like.. plan to get married.. then say, oh by the way, I have no money, and now you have half of my 100K debt. Cheers! :)

    so if he delibertaly hides something like tht.. THROW HIM BACK IN THE POND!


    @M- I had a Bf before whose mom didn't like me. I still put up with it. THough now, in retospect.. wat a waste of my time!!! You see, if the parents are fucked up, you cannot penalise him for it. So I would stick by my man. BUT if he's some momma's boy, or doesn't stand up for you, he's just as fucked up as his parents... then he's not someone who makes a good partner anyway. THROW!

    @anon1.33 - ok... seeing tht we are all set to go to austria to ski over new years... I think you should give it 4 months minimum for now.

    @anon9.01 - pls dont get the impression tht DISPOSING of people is fun and is a hobby. It's not. But this blog post is to tell people, NOT TO BE AFRAID to let go of the ones who are not right for you. Don't stick and hold on to something that is not right for you.

    Men (and women) are everywhere... facebook, on the streets, friends of friends, my blog, I was also on match.com for a couple of months earlier this year (not a bad site, good pool of ppl)...


    @anon1.36 - Aww... no dating doesn't suck.. if you be yourself, and date with the attitude that - you're there to have fun and enjoy someone's company... if it doesn't work out, it's ok.. there'll be others. Good Luck !


    @CK - thanks.

    @Hani Blythe - :) yay!

    @anon3.05 - I'm sure others disagree.. but thank you :)

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  10. Ahh sounds like wht i did for my past relationship.

    You are so right about these. I think my ex had alot of those "issues"

    seeing u getting it right with GB now. Gives me more hope to finding my Mr right =)

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  11. angel6:53 pm

    may i ask what is your ultimate goal in dating all these people? are you trying to find your soulmate and get married?

    my dream has always been to find my soulmate. i know how corny that sounds, but it's the truth. i don't like dating around though. i guess i'm a bit insecure and am not comfortable around new people. so i have a tendency to stick with a familiar guy even if i feel like he's not the one. sigh.

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  12. hey angel.. i dont know about soulmates.. but i was looking for someone tht was right for me.

    i know we all have to compromise... but sometimes it's better to take longer while, hold out and wait for someone more "right" than others. So i dated so many men... searching for this one man who was much more "right" than the others because i did not feel i had to settle for someone not quite right.

    I probably could ( settle for mr not quite right) and make it work... and i probably would do so , if i felt mt time was running out. but i didn't... and I am glad I waited just tht little bit longer, and searched just tht little bit harder.

    first dates can be hard.. but really.. just go out thinking - it's just going to be a nice dinner/ coffee/lunch .. and a nice chat with someone new and interesting. if it bombs, I will just have wasted an hour or 2. but if i dont do this, then how will i find that right one!?

    hope u get what i mean.

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  13. Anonymous3:15 am

    That's great and all, but kicking people away from you if they make mistakes or act a certain way isn't what you'd call a competent strategy for finding the right guy. If nothing you'll just become bitter and alienate everyone right away, whether you're smart enough to tell if they are a decent person or not.

    Might try getting some religion or guidance in your life and then use that as criteria for dating. You'll probably have more success. Just sayin'.

    Good luck, person.

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