You know what?
I am in a mini depression.
Things haven't been going well for me. It seems that everytime I find that little bit of hope and happiness with someone, it gets taken away from me.
And I'm not talking about shitty one off dates... of which I have had plenty. It's easy to just brush those off your shoulder... have a laugh even.
But the last few men I dated and almost got serious with, all had baggage just pop up AFTER I started to really like them. (But that's normal. who in the right mind will present to you their baggage at the very start when there's a bigger risk of you walking off?)
Now, I'm not talking small baggage... not -oh Holly Jean you're just not willing to compromise kind of baggage- ... I'm talking The Big Macs and Whoppers of baggage here. Life altering baggage. So don't tell me that life is about compromise and I deserve to be lonely because I have such high standards. Would you for instance, get serious with a man when you find out he still has a wife and kid? Yeah... that kind of baggage.
I can't get too personal here and tell you about the other types of baggage I've encountered so far this year... because it is not my baggage and not my story to tell, need to respect their privacy.
But I can tell you where I am at now.
My magic A is turning out to be not so magic afterall. Someone created a fake profile on facebook to message me saying that she has been dating and sleeping with him. "A" claims to not know who this person girl is or could be. And this matter has been disturbing us both.
After some poking around, I realise that this girl's story isn't water tight. Loopholes everywhere even though she commits to mentioning very little facts. Maybe she is someone he dated/spoke to and it never amounted to anything, and she's sore... and because I live such a public life, she was able to get to me. The world truly is small isn't it.
I'm not in an exclusive relationship with anyone. I'm not sleeping with anyone. I'm just still taking things slow until I am comfortable to move on with someone. So "A" knows that it would not be a problem if he did go out with someone else at this point. But he has insisted that he's not interested in seeing anyone else. I just don't like being lied to. Like if someone starts the relationship with a pack of lies, then how could you trust them when the time comes to move forward?
"A" has been dong everything he can to reassure me that he's being truthful. But there's only so much one can do or say. Wish I really knew the truth. Who is lying to me?
But then again.. what am I afraid of? Singapore is so small... and all my readers are my eyes. If I did commit to someone, and he was fooling around with someone else, there's no way he can be out and about with her without me receiving some blurry pic taken sneakily from a mobile phone or some email telling me what they saw.
One thing I've learnt about this living my life in public thing is... I can't fool around either. Last time someone commented on my blog that they saw me with another guy. But it was my brother lah!
On a side note, I cooked a really bad dinner for my friend M last night. I wanted to do lamb cutlets on a bed of mash and mushrooms. BUT no where in Pasir ris could I find Lamb at 3pm! God! I walked from downtown east to White sands then to Pasir ris central. In the end, after being hot and bothered and blistered (I can't walk far in flip flops), I ended up picking out some shitty bits of chicken and egg plant and japanese noodles. Thinking I'd do chicken ginger/garlic stir fry and spicy egg plant and noodles. What a mistake. EVERYTHING WAS UNDERCOOKED. Chicken pale and soft like vomit. Eggplant hard like cardboard. Even when I was cooking regularly last year when I was with Mark, my chinese food always turned out below average. Whatever possessed me to think I could pull it off this time?!
And yet M was so damn sweet about it. He thought I looked cute slaving away in the kitchen. And then in a fluster and on impulse, I dumped all the food. I rather he think I am a nutter than subject him to swallowing my cooking while having to maintain a polite smile.
He drove us out to dinner. And the evening went okay after all. This has made me realise that I am actually not a great cook. (When Mark reads this, I'm sure he'll be hooting... all the way from Sunny Spain..... but at least my tapas not bad ok!)
Who is right for me? I don't trust my gut... I actually went to have my fortune read today... and she said there are 2 men I am interested in. One has a slim face, the other round. The round faced one is full of lies now (OH GOD) and the slim face one is not my match and will start lying in the future.
F*cking Wonderful. Wish I hadn't seen the clairvoyant now.
Comments
Which tarot reader did u go to?
Jane
I have been reading your blog for the past 2 years and I do agree with alot of your opinions and actions. For example, I think it is perfectly fine to date several guys at one time if you are not exclusively seeing anyone else. And by exclusive, I mean it has to be mutual.
I would like to offer you a piece of advise. That is: stop looking and have fun! Really! The right guy always comes along when you're not looking and just having fun and enjoying life. I know someday you will be loved.
My own experience was, I met my husband when I was 21 years old at MOS(now Zirca)! hahaha and I was just having fun with my girlfriends and of course, I was very uncomfortable with the idea of going out with someone I met at a club! Anyway the rest is history but I say, just go and have fun! And while you're at it, someone will just appear :)
Alvy
i think if the baggage comes in the form of wife and kids then that at a more fundamental level is already cheating. and even if his wife knows, it's not something that the kids would be perfectly happy about, or something that should be encouraged at home - imagine the kids reaction when they grow up and find out. Also it brings things to a whole different level because he will always have connections with that kid and hence, the wife.
you're a gorgeous girl, your mr right will come along. be picky because you only deserve the best, don't settle for anything less.
i'm not saying to lower your standards/age group, but im just pointing out the reason.
And I agree with J on older men having more baggage. What about the cute guy you were dating before you patched back with mark? Any chance of reuniting? Cos you seemed to like him quite a bit from your older post!
So what are you gonna do about A now? I think you should perhaps cool it a little and don't invest so much emotions for now!
Sometimes its sensible to just think, 'right, lying sack of shit, get outta here...' Way back when I met my husband everyone told me he was a liar and a huge player. And then when I confronted him, it turned out to be just vicious rumours his ex was spreading. After 6 months of uncertainty and not trusting him, we had it out. And he screwed the ex over the phone. (Too bad I didn't get a front row seat :)) and since then, we've never been better. It's now coming to almost 5 years. And after knowing him so long, I realise what a straight and down-to-earth character he is. It makes me laugh to think that I once thought he was capable of being such an ass.
*hugs*
Guess what I'm trying to say is don't lose hope. :)
I knew exactly how u feel though I may not experience the exact same encounter as u.
I once get to knw a guy whom i eventually fell for him. But only to find out that he is a wolf in sheep skin & lie anything under the sun & a 2 timer! I tk God that I was able to discern very fast before i fall even deeply for him !
U knw, in any relationship or frenship, only time will tell if the person is geninue or nt.
Meanwhile no matter how the guy explain or attempt to prove himself, I can only say u goto be watchful & discern if he is really geninue. Remember, we gals hv 6th sense. Tats the gift frm God to woman : )
ALl the best..
So here goes:
@Jane- email me and I will let u know hollyjean69@hotmail.com
@anon 12.21- I know as a catholic, I am not supposed to believe in such things. but I do get curious! :)
@Ling- yes, i try my best not to hurt others, but sometimes, when things dont work out, they just dont work out i guess. I do hate rejecting ppl. will let u know if i come across tht vending machine! :D
@Alvy - thank you for sharing tht. :)
@anon6.02- yeah u have a point there.
@J- u also make a gd pt with regards to the baggage and age corelation.
@anon12pm- today we figured out who it was! cant say here. But yeah, it's a girl, who is mates with my EX EX (not mark). WOT A NUTTER. Why do some girls just hate me so much ? :(
@Jenny- oh thank u for sharing tht. :) And u made me laugh when u said "right, lying sack of shit.." haha.. cos tht was EXACTLY the phrase which crossed my mind at the time.
@celestina... yeah.. i will be cautious. dont worry. :)
@miss piggy - I just got home. got to clear my emails. then I will blog abt today's events and u'll find out :D
@Miss piggy
are u attached?!?!:D:D:D
Please do not depend on fortune tellers, tarot cards or other such false predictors of events.
You can control more than you realize. Truly you life, your future are in your hands.
What type of man will eventually make you happy and perhaps become your partner?
No one knows. However at time like this when you are obviously looking, the more likely you will attract the wrong type of man.
Most good men will be attracted to a women who is confident, and happy with herself. Let who you really are show, no fakery, on pretenses.
I will pray for you, as that is all I can do on this side of the Pacific.
David
The little troubles and worries of life may be as stumbling
blocks in our way, or we may make them stepping-stones to a
nobler character and to Heaven. Troubles are often the tools by
which God fashions us for better things.
-- Henry Ward Beecher