You know what?
I am in a mini depression.
Things haven't been going well for me. It seems that everytime I find that little bit of hope and happiness with someone, it gets taken away from me.
And I'm not talking about shitty one off dates... of which I have had plenty. It's easy to just brush those off your shoulder... have a laugh even.
But the last few men I dated and almost got serious with, all had baggage just pop up AFTER I started to really like them. (But that's normal. who in the right mind will present to you their baggage at the very start when there's a bigger risk of you walking off?)
Now, I'm not talking small baggage... not -oh Holly Jean you're just not willing to compromise kind of baggage- ... I'm talking The Big Macs and Whoppers of baggage here. Life altering baggage. So don't tell me that life is about compromise and I deserve to be lonely because I have such high standards. Would you for instance, get serious with a man when you find out he still has a wife and kid? Yeah... that kind of baggage.
I can't get too personal here and tell you about the other types of baggage I've encountered so far this year... because it is not my baggage and not my story to tell, need to respect their privacy.
But I can tell you where I am at now.
My magic A is turning out to be not so magic afterall. Someone created a fake profile on facebook to message me saying that she has been dating and sleeping with him. "A" claims to not know who this person girl is or could be. And this matter has been disturbing us both.
After some poking around, I realise that this girl's story isn't water tight. Loopholes everywhere even though she commits to mentioning very little facts. Maybe she is someone he dated/spoke to and it never amounted to anything, and she's sore... and because I live such a public life, she was able to get to me. The world truly is small isn't it.
I'm not in an exclusive relationship with anyone. I'm not sleeping with anyone. I'm just still taking things slow until I am comfortable to move on with someone. So "A" knows that it would not be a problem if he did go out with someone else at this point. But he has insisted that he's not interested in seeing anyone else. I just don't like being lied to. Like if someone starts the relationship with a pack of lies, then how could you trust them when the time comes to move forward?
"A" has been dong everything he can to reassure me that he's being truthful. But there's only so much one can do or say. Wish I really knew the truth. Who is lying to me?
But then again.. what am I afraid of? Singapore is so small... and all my readers are my eyes. If I did commit to someone, and he was fooling around with someone else, there's no way he can be out and about with her without me receiving some blurry pic taken sneakily from a mobile phone or some email telling me what they saw.
One thing I've learnt about this living my life in public thing is... I can't fool around either. Last time someone commented on my blog that they saw me with another guy. But it was my brother lah!
On a side note, I cooked a really bad dinner for my friend M last night. I wanted to do lamb cutlets on a bed of mash and mushrooms. BUT no where in Pasir ris could I find Lamb at 3pm! God! I walked from downtown east to White sands then to Pasir ris central. In the end, after being hot and bothered and blistered (I can't walk far in flip flops), I ended up picking out some shitty bits of chicken and egg plant and japanese noodles. Thinking I'd do chicken ginger/garlic stir fry and spicy egg plant and noodles. What a mistake. EVERYTHING WAS UNDERCOOKED. Chicken pale and soft like vomit. Eggplant hard like cardboard. Even when I was cooking regularly last year when I was with Mark, my chinese food always turned out below average. Whatever possessed me to think I could pull it off this time?!
And yet M was so damn sweet about it. He thought I looked cute slaving away in the kitchen. And then in a fluster and on impulse, I dumped all the food. I rather he think I am a nutter than subject him to swallowing my cooking while having to maintain a polite smile.
He drove us out to dinner. And the evening went okay after all. This has made me realise that I am actually not a great cook. (When Mark reads this, I'm sure he'll be hooting... all the way from Sunny Spain..... but at least my tapas not bad ok!)
Who is right for me? I don't trust my gut... I actually went to have my fortune read today... and she said there are 2 men I am interested in. One has a slim face, the other round. The round faced one is full of lies now (OH GOD) and the slim face one is not my match and will start lying in the future.
F*cking Wonderful. Wish I hadn't seen the clairvoyant now.