I've been listening to everything that my readers have said. I read every email and every comment, even though I may not always have the time to respond to each one individually.
I’ve come to realize something... when I say "dating"I mean going out with a man with the potential of it moving on to te level of romance/ exclusivity... but many people associate dating with something more serious. Hence dating two or more men at any phase is considered cheating, playing him out, leading him on.
Webster's Dictionary defines dating as “ social engagements with persons of the opposite sex” (Hmm... excuse me, Mr Webster, but don’t gay men and lesbians date??)
Dating is the activity of looking for a suitable partner for an intimate relationship. The word refers to two daters agreeing on a time and date when they can meet and engage in some activity, thereby assessing their suitability for one another. A person should date many different partners during the same time period in order to have the best chance of finding their most suitable available mate. As in the marketplace, liquidity is essential for all participants to achieve the best outcome available to them.
But many people don't do that, and I am wondering ... why?
If you haven't asked the man you're dating if he's seeing other people and you've already stopped meeting other men, aren't you opting for the short end of the stick? Especially if he's not even "your man."
I assume anyone I go out with is seeing other women, too. And I have no problem telling a guy that's what I'm doing. Until we mutually decide to be exclusive.
I'm actually only dating one person right now.. but is he that other pea in the pod? I don't know. It's been 5 or 6 dates now, and a couple of dates ago, I kinda lost interest in dating anyone else. I don't desire to look for new potential mates or revive old ones. I have the option of dating others, but at this point, I'm not fussed about it either way.
How do you handle the subject of exclusivity? If a woman asks you if you're seeing others, do you think she's trying to trap you? If a man wants exclusivity, do you think it's only to get in your pants? Does it bother you if your date happens to date several people at the same time? And why is Webster so clueless? :)
I just find that dating a number of men at the same time, sends out messages that ur a cheap fling who’s just looking for casual relationships, even if that’s not true. Similarly if I know a guy is dating several women besides me, I would not be impressed at all, and wud be hesitant to start anything serious with him. it just gives off a desperate and/or cassanova vibe to me, neither of which is attractive.
If a guy is really attracted to me, it’s no big sacrifice to give up dating other girls to date me, if he’s not willing to do it, then he’s not worth my time.
And I do agree that it's sending out the wrong message that you're a cheap fling cos if the guy tells me that he's also seeing some other women to see what comes out of it, I'll wonder if he's bedding all of them. Vice versa for the guy to think that maybe you're screwing around or something. But good that you've narrowed it down to one guy now nonetheless...
It says a lot about his character. Also, i suppose if he told me that, he must not want to be with me.
Essentially for me, in the beginning i am dating many at once, then usually i realise i start seeing more and more of one person. Then i get rid of the rest by telling that I am thinking of getting serious with this particular person. Then after that I wait till the "are we exclusive talk".
thats all. mr. J.llo
Like other people on this site (inc mr jello) I'm staggered how many dates you get thru, how quickly your interests change, and how quickly you go from a relationship to dating to relationship to dating to...
what happened to iron man? what happened to the dude you screwed in bali?
This 'dating' lingo has always been a topic of conversation for my friends and me too! It's all terminology, at the end of the day.
- updates pls... are u going to support him in this weekend OSIM Triathlon?
So no point carrying on with the dating. It hit the end of the road for us.
I wished him all the best, no bad feelings. it just wasn't meant to be.
As for the OSIM thingy... dont think he's doing tht as he just finished ironman 70.3 two weeks ago. and he's in phuket now, with his family ( i mean his sister and her kids and husband).
But this is reasoning based purely on rational thought and behaviour - and we all know that relationships are rooted in emotion.
I agree with you in principle, I truly do. But put into practice, it unfortunately seems like it's doomed to failure due to the fact that - unless you are very lucky - there will always be uneven-ness between the parties (i.e one person will always be dating around more than the other); which then leads to hurt feelings. It's just human nature right? We all want to feel special and like we are the only ones around. Even if you do subscribe to the "shopping around" school of thought, everyone secretly wants to be the girl/guy that is so wonderful/attractive/sweet/kind that the person he/she is dating gives up all other potential mates.
Is the solution then to date one person at a time, even though you don't really believe in it? Probably not. My view? Date people who are like-minded, then no one gets upset. And think about what you really want. If it's to shop around but with secret fantasies that the one you like the best will also like you the best too..well, that may or may not happen. But that's life isn't it? When do we ever get everything we want?
Do let us know how this new man works for you.
Have you asked if he is seeing any other women? Or is he interested enough to want to move on to the next level of relationship?
Personally I find nothing wrong in dating a few guys at a time at this stage. But once the question has been popped - "Will you be my gf?" - and you agreed, then the relationship becomes mutually exclusive. And vice versa for the guys. Dating is just friendship with a little more consideration. Also good to communicate at the start of the first date that everything is casual and nothing is serious yet. So you won't be accused of leading him on. :) Hope you find that man you're willing to say "I do" to, soon!