Friday, April 09, 2010

Taking it From Dating to Mating

I've been listening to everything that my readers have said. I read every email and every comment, even though I may not always have the time to respond to each one individually.

I’ve come to realize something... when I say "dating"I mean going out with a man with the potential of it moving on to te level of romance/ exclusivity... but many people associate dating with something more serious. Hence dating two or more men at any phase is considered cheating, playing him out, leading him on.

Webster's Dictionary defines dating as “ social engagements with persons of the opposite sex” (Hmm... excuse me, Mr Webster, but don’t gay men and lesbians date??)

Dating is the activity of looking for a suitable partner for an intimate relationship. The word refers to two daters agreeing on a time and date when they can meet and engage in some activity, thereby assessing their suitability for one another. A person should date many different partners during the same time period in order to have the best chance of finding their most suitable available mate. As in the marketplace, liquidity is essential for all participants to achieve the best outcome available to them.

But many people don't do that, and I am wondering ... why?

If you haven't asked the man you're dating if he's seeing other people and you've already stopped meeting other men, aren't you opting for the short end of the stick? Especially if he's not even "your man."

I assume anyone I go out with is seeing other women, too. And I have no problem telling a guy that's what I'm doing. Until we mutually decide to be exclusive.
I'm actually only dating one person right now.. but is he that other pea in the pod? I don't know. It's been 5 or 6 dates now, and a couple of dates ago, I kinda lost interest in dating anyone else. I don't desire to look for new potential mates or revive old ones. I have the option of dating others, but at this point, I'm not fussed about it either way.

How do you handle the subject of exclusivity? If a woman asks you if you're seeing others, do you think she's trying to trap you? If a man wants exclusivity, do you think it's only to get in your pants? Does it bother you if your date happens to date several people at the same time? And why is Webster so clueless? :)

12 comments:

  1. It’s not that I don’t know your meaning of dating, but it’s probably that im a conservative person so I don’t believe in dating more than 1 guy at any one time. Im sure most of the other readers who express this view think the same way.
    I just find that dating a number of men at the same time, sends out messages that ur a cheap fling who’s just looking for casual relationships, even if that’s not true. Similarly if I know a guy is dating several women besides me, I would not be impressed at all, and wud be hesitant to start anything serious with him. it just gives off a desperate and/or cassanova vibe to me, neither of which is attractive.
    If a guy is really attracted to me, it’s no big sacrifice to give up dating other girls to date me, if he’s not willing to do it, then he’s not worth my time.

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  2. Anonymous4:08 pm

    I agree with J, I wouldn't be impressed if the guy is just shopping around to see who fits. And honestly, just because you're not sleeping with the men doesn't mean you don't get emotionally involved cos what if you start liking the guy more etc? I wouldn't want to be in a situation where I kinda like the guy and is keen on developing but then the guy's still shopping around, comparing goods and then thinking who to pick. I think it's horrible though I know there're people out there who do that. And dating one person at a time doesn't mean you're not meeting more men, you just meet them one at a time. If you don't feel that there's potential, move on.

    And I do agree that it's sending out the wrong message that you're a cheap fling cos if the guy tells me that he's also seeing some other women to see what comes out of it, I'll wonder if he's bedding all of them. Vice versa for the guy to think that maybe you're screwing around or something. But good that you've narrowed it down to one guy now nonetheless...

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  3. Anonymous4:13 pm

    being single means you can go out with whoever you like, whenever you like. i think the word "date" is just a terminology you use. if you just say im meeting x for dinner tonight instead of im having a dinner date with x tonight i dont think half the people would have an issue with it. so lighten up guys! whats the big fuss all about

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  4. I think its fine to go on as many dates as you want. But when it comes to seeing the same two/three pple for more than one date, it gets a bit complicated. I think after I've been with someone for 6 (or so) dates and its been romantic with flowers/ candlelgiht dinner etc), it would be a huge turn off if he told me he was also dating someone else.

    It says a lot about his character. Also, i suppose if he told me that, he must not want to be with me.

    Essentially for me, in the beginning i am dating many at once, then usually i realise i start seeing more and more of one person. Then i get rid of the rest by telling that I am thinking of getting serious with this particular person. Then after that I wait till the "are we exclusive talk".

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  5. Anonymous5:17 pm

    hmm i got no issue with you dating more then 1 person at a time. my issue is you started so soon after you ended a serious relationship.
    thats all. mr. J.llo

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  6. Anonymous6:45 pm

    Perhaps if you stopped dating / seeing men for even 5 minutes, you'd have the space to answer some of your own questions and uncertainties.

    Like other people on this site (inc mr jello) I'm staggered how many dates you get thru, how quickly your interests change, and how quickly you go from a relationship to dating to relationship to dating to...

    what happened to iron man? what happened to the dude you screwed in bali?

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  7. Anonymous7:21 pm

    I'm a girl. I think it's better to date one AFTER another rather than concurrently. It's only respect that you give your current squeeze 100% of your dating attention so as to see if things can progress from there.

    This 'dating' lingo has always been a topic of conversation for my friends and me too! It's all terminology, at the end of the day.

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  8. Anonymous9:25 pm

    ... what happened to you and S?

    - updates pls... are u going to support him in this weekend OSIM Triathlon?

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  9. I didn't proceed further with S because I am not able to accept his baggage. I know everyone has baggage. But this particular thing was not something I was willing to accept.

    So no point carrying on with the dating. It hit the end of the road for us.

    I wished him all the best, no bad feelings. it just wasn't meant to be.

    As for the OSIM thingy... dont think he's doing tht as he just finished ironman 70.3 two weeks ago. and he's in phuket now, with his family ( i mean his sister and her kids and husband).

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  10. Anonymous1:32 pm

    I think what you're doing is just fine - you're young and there is absolutely nothing wrong with shopping around. I suppose it only gets distasteful if one party is more involved than the other, or is less than truthful. If everyone's on the same page then there's nothing wrong.

    But this is reasoning based purely on rational thought and behaviour - and we all know that relationships are rooted in emotion.

    I agree with you in principle, I truly do. But put into practice, it unfortunately seems like it's doomed to failure due to the fact that - unless you are very lucky - there will always be uneven-ness between the parties (i.e one person will always be dating around more than the other); which then leads to hurt feelings. It's just human nature right? We all want to feel special and like we are the only ones around. Even if you do subscribe to the "shopping around" school of thought, everyone secretly wants to be the girl/guy that is so wonderful/attractive/sweet/kind that the person he/she is dating gives up all other potential mates.

    Is the solution then to date one person at a time, even though you don't really believe in it? Probably not. My view? Date people who are like-minded, then no one gets upset. And think about what you really want. If it's to shop around but with secret fantasies that the one you like the best will also like you the best too..well, that may or may not happen. But that's life isn't it? When do we ever get everything we want?

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  11. HJ,

    Do let us know how this new man works for you.

    Have you asked if he is seeing any other women? Or is he interested enough to want to move on to the next level of relationship?

    Good luck!

    David

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  12. Anonymous1:24 am

    Hi HJ,

    Personally I find nothing wrong in dating a few guys at a time at this stage. But once the question has been popped - "Will you be my gf?" - and you agreed, then the relationship becomes mutually exclusive. And vice versa for the guys. Dating is just friendship with a little more consideration. Also good to communicate at the start of the first date that everything is casual and nothing is serious yet. So you won't be accused of leading him on. :) Hope you find that man you're willing to say "I do" to, soon!

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