I know a lot of you have been wondering about my love life and what's been going on.
Well...quite frankly, I don't even know what to tell you because I do not know what's going on myself.
It's not like I'm in dire straits and depressed or what... but I feel like I'm being tugged at at different angles.
I feel it's absurd for someone who has gone out with me for a few weeks to expect me to make a commitment. And it's not like I am a commitment phobe... I want more than anything to be in a stable relationship. But it has got to feel right.
I don't know if it's fear that's holding me back. Or has being with Mark kind of spoilt me for other men, because he treated me better than I ever thought possible, and we got along so well that I'm looking to make that same magical connection immediately with the next guy.
Of course that's not happening. All I have is me recoiling in fear everytime a guy gets serious. Yet at the same time, when he shows signs of not being serious ( e.g. lack of contact/interest) I kick him out of the squad.
WTF is wrong with me.
Is it a hindrance that I'm still in contact with Mark? I tell him about my dates and he helps me access them (and he's usually spot on because he knows me so well now). (Yes, he's the goalkeeper).
And talking to him has been very helpful... because I get bouts of anxiety where I think OMG... I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life if I don't settle for this person. But he has the ability to talk sense into me and make me feel secure. He makes me feel less of a rush, and I don't panic, and I feel ok being alone.
Last thing I want is to make a bad decision and spend more years in a relationship that is not right for me. So I need to take a few steps back, take a breather, look at things calmly before I commit again. I don't want to rush into something or feel pressured into making a decision. I worry that I will make a bad decision. So I need to be sure, and take my time.
So you can stop asking about S.... (or whoever else). If anything gets serious, I will definitely be happy to let you know.
I'm waiting for a case of the butterflies. You know when you suddenly get that moment where you see promise, and hope and your tummy flutters because you suddenly realise... this person makes me so happy, I want a life with him!
For now, I'll be ok.. not like there's a shortage of men in Singapore... it's just that I want to make the right choice this time... so give me a little more time.