Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Waiting For A Case Of The Butterflies

I know a lot of you have been wondering about my love life and what's been going on.

Well...quite frankly, I don't even know what to tell you because I do not know what's going on myself.

It's not like I'm in dire straits and depressed or what... but I feel like I'm being tugged at at different angles.

I feel it's absurd for someone who has gone out with me for a few weeks to expect me to make a commitment. And it's not like I am a commitment phobe... I want more than anything to be in a stable relationship. But it has got to feel right.

I don't know if it's fear that's holding me back. Or has being with Mark kind of spoilt me for other men, because he treated me better than I ever thought possible, and we got along so well that I'm looking to make that same magical connection immediately with the next guy.

Of course that's not happening. All I have is me recoiling in fear everytime a guy gets serious. Yet at the same time, when he shows signs of not being serious ( e.g. lack of contact/interest) I kick him out of the squad.

WTF is wrong with me.

Is it a hindrance that I'm still in contact with Mark? I tell him about my dates and he helps me access them (and he's usually spot on because he knows me so well now). (Yes, he's the goalkeeper).

And talking to him has been very helpful... because I get bouts of anxiety where I think OMG... I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life if I don't settle for this person. But he has the ability to talk sense into me and make me feel secure. He makes me feel less of a rush, and I don't panic, and I feel ok being alone.

Last thing I want is to make a bad decision and spend more years in a relationship that is not right for me. So I need to take a few steps back, take a breather, look at things calmly before I commit again. I don't want to rush into something or feel pressured into making a decision. I worry that I will make a bad decision. So I need to be sure, and take my time.

So you can stop asking about S.... (or whoever else). If anything gets serious, I will definitely be happy to let you know.

I'm waiting for a case of the butterflies. You know when you suddenly get that moment where you see promise, and hope and your tummy flutters because you suddenly realise... this person makes me so happy, I want a life with him!

For now, I'll be ok.. not like there's a shortage of men in Singapore... it's just that I want to make the right choice this time... so give me a little more time.

24 comments:

  1. Anonymous1:16 pm

    I think you should really be alone for a while at least. I know you said how you don't wanna miss out on meaningful relationship blah blah blah but it seems like you're not over Mark and you're comparing the guys you're dating with him. Yes it's normal to compare but it seems like you have too much attachment to him still. Also you said some guy want you to commit weeks after you started dating him. I don't blame him cos your dating posts on your blog make yourself sound like a player. Like oh I have a bunch of guys on reserve, this that etc. If I read your blog and I'm dating you, I would think you're just playing me cos look, I'm a man myself and I don't like to be compared with other guys. Nor do I want to wait for you to pick and choose and get sucked into your own little world of reality dating show ala The Bachelorette or something. Date one guy at a time. Not a bunch. If you don't like a guy, two dates and move on, and not string a bunch of guys along...I'm not trying to be critical cos I'm being very objective here but it does seem like you're into all the attention you get from men...and you might relish in it now cos yes it's fun and nice, who doesn't like it? But HJ, it won't get you anywhere in the long run

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  2. Anonymous1:48 pm

    I agree with Anon 1:16. HJ, you're being a little insensitive here by dating SO MANY guys at one time and posting your "adventures" with them on your blog.

    And still contacting Mike ABOUT YOUR DATES? Hello!!!! Tsktsktsk.

    I'd thought you'd be more sensible and matured about such stuff.

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  3. Anonymous1:48 pm

    I agree with Anon 1:16. HJ, you're being a little insensitive here by dating SO MANY guys at one time and posting your "adventures" with them on your blog.

    And still contacting Mike ABOUT YOUR DATES? Hello!!!! Tsktsktsk.

    I'd thought you'd be more sensible and matured about such stuff.

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  4. Anonymous1:53 pm

    I don't think it's a bad thing being in contact with MARK ( not mike lah), afterall they broke up mutually and it's not like there's bad blood between them.

    I think it's actually a mature thing to still be able to be friends with your ex.

    But I don't see Holly forcing these men to go out with her. She wants space, and for dating to be casual, I don't see anything wrong with that. Why must it be exclusive (only one???? I'm sure the guys are not only dating ONE lol.. how naive! come one, I'm a guy too.)

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  5. Anonymous3:13 pm

    I agreed with the above.
    For ur age, u are immature and living in ur own bubble and world.
    Ur little dating game which u post obssessively on ur site seems like u r just a needy and attention seeking gal, that's all.
    Is that all about ur life?

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  6. Anon 1:48 and 3:13: for goodness sakes, can you stop bashing Holly Jean? As if your life is so perfect!

    I think you are just spewing out all this garbage to get her to respond to your worthless comments. What kind of person are you to slam others in order to make yourself feel better? GET A LIFE.

    Pple like you should just SHUT UP. If you are so unhappy with how others run their lives, then just stop reading their blogs la, STUPID.

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  7. Anonymous4:10 pm

    assess not access...

    hmmm but then again, in your twisted world, yeah it may be access...

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  8. Anonymous4:42 pm

    Hahaha...Anon 4.10 rocks! Totally agree!

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  9. Hey,

    It's so hard sometimes to decide whether you are "settling" or not. To be honest, it is impossible and silly to try to decide whether a man is right for you on the first date... try to chill. Don't worry it will come. I know its hard because the clock is ticking... but, i think the key here is to chill a little. About talking to Mark - not a good idea to discuss dates. But i think chatting and checking up on each other is ok. But talking everyday isn't and discussing potential dates isnt to. I'm sure it doesn't help you to move on right? Try to have a break from him for a bit.

    Just my two cents

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  10. Anonymous10:23 pm

    Greener - why are you so defensive all the time?

    People can comment freely, positive or negative, and it's not for you to act like a site moderator.

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  11. Anonymous12:25 am

    Being in contact with Mark is one thing. Analyzing your potential relationships together is another. Way too weird. Can't you do that with your gfs?
    I think you have to ask yourself if you aren't subconsciously clinging onto what you had with him? Cos if you read your own post, you can't seem to get over the 'connection' you STILL have with Mark. It's disturbing that you can't decide on your own or trust your own instincts when it comes to your own love life.

    Another thing I don't get is, why are u looking for butterfly feelings or any other specific feelings at all? if it feels right, you'll know. It doesnt have to leave you all fluttery but it must FEEL RIGHT. Most of the time, it's never a 'ta-da-he's-the-one' moment. You do realise that butterflies don't last right? The emotional high, like the lifespan of the creature dies out rather quickly.

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  12. Anonymous3:44 am

    people take themselves too seriously, normally ends up unhappily. no matter how pretty face you have, or how sexy body you get.

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  13. gotta agree with most of da comments here hun. You do seem pretty needy at times and attention seeking. Ya digging ur own grave. Sigh.

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  14. Another Anon4:02 am

    anon 10:23 - Super DITTO!

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  15. Anonymous6:33 am

    @ anon 10:23 and anon 4:02.

    You both are contradicting yourselves. If you so believe that everyone should have freedom to say what they want, why can't greener comment on other pple's comments; therefore limiting greener's commentaries to HJ's and not on pple like you? Haha... ridiculous!

    If one wishes to express their views on others, which is something you clearly love to practice, then let greener say whatever he/she wants.

    Maybe I am the site moderator.

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  16. @anon11.16pm-- but i am alone. I don't intend to be in a r'ship yet. Not right now anyway.. and the men I date know that.. not like I'm leading them on. I make it clear tht I'm not ready yet and it's purely casual/friendly dating. In the future .. who knows. I always understood being alone as being single and not getting serious with anyone. Do you mean tht being alone means I have to literally isolate myself??

    anon148pm- I have to correct you here. I don't post my "adventures' with themon my blog. These dates are anonymous or go by some random initial. And come on...count the number of dates I've blogged abt since I've been single this year.... I think there's only S's triathlon (which wasnt a date la) and Bali (i blog abt all my holidays! and I blogged abt the holiday itself... not my date)


    @aono3.13 - There's no pleasing everyone I guess. I actually kept getting emails and messages for updates about my r'ship status, and ppl always asking abt the elusive "S". Even my platonic guy friends taht I lunch with... ppl spot me and ask in my tag board "was tht S???"

    I don't blog obessively abt my love life. I did this last post to tell my readers tht - nothing's going to happen yet, I'm not ready, and stop asking abt S (or whoever) and tht if anything develops, I will let them know.


    anon4.10pm- ok so you spotted a mistake. big whoop.

    Ok will reply to the rest of the comments in my next comment. this is getting a bit too long. but first... i gtg pee

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  17. @Those concerned - I don't speak to Mark everyday... nor do I tell him about all my dates. I just tell him abt the ones I want to sound out/get feedback on. And I don't just do this with Mark... I do it with my neighbour-slash-GF too.

    And yes, our r'ship failed (twice!) and we're not going to be a couple. But that doesn't mean that it erases how well he knows me or I him. So I actually feel taht he's in the best position to talk things like tht through with me. BUT that said... I actually don't want to hear about ANY of his dates.. haha. I actually tell him, I can't take it. Lol. But if he really had a problem and needed an opinion, I too would give him an honest one that has his best interest at heart.

    But we have talked about this and we do realise that maybe he's been too good a Goal Keeper. And tht maybe I should try to figure all this out own my own for a while. Which is why we decided a few days ago that while he's back in the UK ( he leaves 6th april) we shld not contact each other (unless necessary).

    @Jess - yes I agree. I think it takes at least a couple of months of dating before you'll start to see a person's true self. everyone perfumes the pig when they first meet someone.

    @anon12.25 - I have a problem trusting my instincts right now actually. There's this one guy, that I had a nice hour long chat with about a month ago. ANd then when he asked me out, I said NO (!?). And I could not give him any reason other than i had a bad vibe ( I really did... mysteriously so). And then finally, like this week, I went out with him. And it turned out good! So yeah... my instincts suck. almost always has.

    I know butterflies dont last, but I still do think that tht someone special has to be someone who makes you float, and makes you feel a little magic inside... not at first sight (granted)... it didn't happen till my like 4th date with Mark.

    anon6.33am- OK...You're Hired! (haha)

    wow.. I wish u werent all anonymous! So hard responding. At least put in a nickname or somethin!!! :)

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  18. Anonymous8:29 am

    HJ you're contradicting yourself. You said you don't want a relationship yet you need to discuss about your date with Mark? If it's really purely friendly and casual, what's there to discuss other than bitching about it or saying that it's good etc? Are you only telling yourself you don't want to be in a relationship but you're secretly yearning to be in one?
    And being single and alone for awhile means not dating any men! Not going on random dates but telling them oh I just wanna go out. If it's not some desperate cry for attention, I dunno what it is cos seriously, you don't want to be in any relationship but yet you go on casual dates for fun...yes no need to isolate yourself, but you mean you have no friends? Or you only wanna hang out with ang moh men who'll give you some attention?

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  19. anon above, i think it's cos greener ask them to stop reading her blog which honestly will tend to annoy me too. The negative-comments-then-stop-reading-the-blog-mentality. It's silly cos this's a public blog afterall and not even hj has driven anyone away or suggest them to stop reading her blog so i find it funny that outsiders take it upon themselves to suggest otherwise. :)

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  20. wow so many comments @ a go. Anon above as per my previous comment refers to anon 6:33.

    To be fair, i dun think hj's been telling much abt her dating adventures either. Which leads me to believe shes dating alot more than we think! Muahaha

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  21. I agree with the very first comment on this list. Anw, i just have to add that the whole talking to Mark thing is a bad idea. U still seem emotionally very reliant on him, and therefore it makes it seem (u prob are) that ur not over him. It's not going to help u move on or find a good new r/s. It's esp telling when u mention that u can't handle him telling u abt his own dates.

    i can say this because i was in a similar situation 1 yr ago. Told myself i was fine and have moved on but thats not true. It took a particular incident for me to gain some closure and finally wake up to realise that my so called 'frenship' with my ex is hindering me on my potential new relationship.

    I have since found a great new guy and i can talk to my ex about his dates w/o any baggage or unhappiness.

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  22. I think you are still in love with Mark, and that is why you seek to find another partner who can provide you with the same feel.

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  23. Anonymous10:21 am

    ok question: if mark knows you so well, and he treated you better than any guy has, and you still seek each other out frequently... why did you break up again???

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  24. he was a good person, and so was I. we didnt break up because we treated each other badly or anything like tht.

    Just because we know each other very well doesn't mean we are right for each other.

    our futures are on a different paths now. at one point we thought we wanted the same things, but now we don't.

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