My Meet Up With My Ex

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful responses to the last Ask Holly Jean question.

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For those who are interested... my column on MyFatPocket this week is on whether it's wise to choose a partner who is an opposite of you?

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So it's Thursday... I met my ex Mark on Monday. It's had 3 days to sink in.

On Monday morning, I shot a video clip thingy at SPH ...just a short mobile phone review. Will show you when it's done.

We managed to shoot it a lot faster than I expected so I thought it was a good idea to meet Mark since I was already close to town.

We had spoken about meeting up a few times before, but I never felt strong enough... you know? Like I go about doing my everyday things... and move on... but I'd rather sit on a bag of nails than sit down and reminisce the happy times we had together.

I thought I was strong enough on Monday so I thought yes... it's time. Plus I hadn't seen him in 5 weeks since the break up. He also had some clothes to give back to me because I forgot to take the stuff that was still in the laundry basket with me when I left last time.

We met at La Strada. I was early....comfortably seated inside... and I thought.. ok... this isn't so bad. I can take it. And then it happened.

I saw him.

I could see him approaching La Strada because it's all glass. And immediately, I had to look away.

In that short glimpse, his shape, his stride, the air about him, was all too familiar. I know him. I know him like I know myself.

I don't know how to describe in words what I felt.... but it's like.. partly like something wrenching at my heart, and the eyes just automatically well up with hot tears. To compose myself I had to blow out through my mouth as I breathed.

When he finally reached the table, I was composed. He made a joke, pointing at me and audibly saying " Are you my date??" As if it were an awkward first date... people started looking... haha.. how embarrassing.

So I stood up, we hugged. That was all too familiar too. His scent, his feel, his warmth. It's almost as if everything were exactly the same. Yet we were not together anymore.

We updated each other on our activities. I also talked about who I was dating, which he seemed fine about. Then he mentioned that he might start dating soon... which I didn't like hearing. But that's life I guess.

It was a good meet up. I never realised how much I missed his company and how well he knows me and that there isn't a need for any walls or borders when I talk to him.

That's normal i guess since we spent almost a whole year really getting to know each other. We were planning to get married and have kids. You don't just reach that point in your minds with someone you hardly know.

Then it made me worry... what if I never find someone I know as well and who knows me as well as Mark & I know each other?

Maybe I'm feeling like that because I've only really been dating a couple of weeks now ( like maybe 5 dates...no, not 5 different people!). I cannot compare the connections I make now ( so new and in its infancy) to the bond I have with Mark... cos then no one would measure up. It isn't fair.

And dating now is actually going well. It's a shame I can't just let go and enjoy it... I always second guess myself... and something keeps telling me it's doomed for failure so don't get too attached/used to him. Of course, I cannot keep the breaks on for long... I'm a full on person when it comes to matters of the heart. But I don't want to fail again... it's soul crushing.

I don't know what the future holds... and I don't like this feeling of uncertainty. If I don't let go of the old, there'll be no space for the new. But do I even want something new? With all the risks, and effort involved? That's all going through my mind now :( Yet if I I give my relationship with Mark another go... how will it be any better eventually if both of us are still the same ... won't it end in a split up again?! Then again... the new could be better but there's no promise of things working out... Outcome could be a happy forever after... or could be shit after a year.

And for the life of me... when I try to put myself back to how I felt 3 weeks or so before the actually break up.... Which to me was the worst point of our relationship... I remember waking up each day feeling lost and desperate to repair things.... but for the life of me, I cannot actually put myself back to that point to feel those emotions. I cannot feel what it was like.

Maybe it was too brief in the context of the whole relationship. Or maybe I erased it.

Ok, I'm beginning to ramble. I'll be quiet for a bit now.