Sunday, September 20, 2009

The Break Up Break Down

Update: short clip of the Sg Blog Awards Night here. I love my outfit sponsored by Lingerie Plaza! Thank you for helping me pick the right one! Was supposed to win Best Dressed that night.... but no one told me (till the day After), so I left early to go eat cheese cake. kwa kwa kwa
Also a short write up by Publicity Pimp , who was the one who hooked me up with Komachi The HairCult.

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And now, the Break Up Break down.


After the agonizing first days after the break up, I've been thinking a
nd doing a post mortem of sorts.

A lot of readers said that we moved too fast. I don't think we moved too fa
st. If you're both ready for the next stage and have common goals... then why hold yourselves back.

If anything... it's not the speed which was a problem... but it was the intensity. On average, we'd spend at least 4 whole days a week doing things together - gym, lunch, pool, dinners, movies, watch tv, events, read the papers, parties, shopping, supermarket.... all done together. And I'm talking 24-7 from the time we wake up (which is half past 7, we're both early risers) to the time we sleep. When on average I guess... most married couples spend like the evenings and weekends together because they're chained to work and careers...and dating couples, probably about a weekday night and a Saturday together.

The intensity suited our lifestyles and we both liked doing the same things. But when one or both people start to falter (or start getting apprehensive about the relationship and future), the intensity is like a catalyst to a break up.


Well, will I purposely see my next BF less, or give him less attention
because of this? I don't think so... I mean, I rather ... if it weren't meant to be... have it fail then to drag on for years only to slowly realise he's not the one. Like one reader said - I just have to find someone who moves to my rhythm. What do you think?
----------------

Is it time to move on?


Grief is very personal, and I guess no one is in a better position than myself to know when it's right to move on. Just because I choose to accept that it wasn't meant to be, and that I just have lay the past (good times and bad) to rest... doesn't mean that I loved Mark any less or that I didn't value what we had in the past.
-----------------

Did I see this coming?

Apart from from the fact that we were talking about the future (or lack of future) of the relationship for a few weeks before the actual break up... there were other signs which indicated that we were emotionally "pulling out" of the relationship. Well, him, more so than me. I was still emotionally in the relationship right to the break up. I can't quit on something because I THINK it's going to end... that would give me a great sense of guilt.

So what were some of the signs?

1. IrritableI would come home after teaching (hungry and tired) on Wed nights because I finish at 6 plus usually, but over the last couple of months of our relationship, I had to cover classes for a colleague on Maternity leave so I finished at 8.30pm, and reached Mark's only to start cooking dinner at 9 plus (too tired to go out for dinner). And these Wednesdays I would always be wound up and irritable, Like if he wanted his chicken off the bone... or simple things like that.... it would make me swear under my breath -I'm tired! Why can't you just eat the damn thing as it is!

And on the 3 afternoons that I teach, on my way to work, I'd ring him... and usually it's about 2pm, lunch time, and I'd ask him what he was having for lunch. He's a creature of habit too... so it's usually spag bol at Project shop, grilled salmon at Border's bistro, Steak at Black Angus or his avocado salad at Modestos. Now, I've been doing this for almost a year... and looked forward to it (before I started class), and he
would be receptive, cheerful and full of love but over the last few weeks of the relationship... those same calls would be a source of tension. I remember being so shocked when I asked him one day , something like... " Hi Bubba, I'm on my way to work... you at lunch yet?""What you eating today?" and he went... "Do you really have to know?!"

So, it took a lot of effort and I no longer looked forward to those pre/post lunch calls because I had to bite my tongue every time I wanted to ask what he was eating (and I was so used to asking it as well).

2. No More Talk About Future
We had always been talking about having kids. I came off the pill a few months ago (because it would take months for traces of the pill to completely flush out of the system). But towards the end of the relationship, none of us ever mentioned kids or marriage.

Furthermore, he had mentioned going back to England for a couple of months at the end of the year. He was even talking about whether I wanted to spend my birthday in Singapore (so my family could be around) and if so, we'd go after my birhtday. But as my birthday drew close, there were no plans made,
no talk about the trip.

All our plans were suddenly limited to TODAY.

3. Overly Critical
've always been pretty much the same... not like I changed and became a different person. I've never pulled the wool over his eyes, pretending to be someone, but slowly over time, letting my true self out. I'm definitely not guilty of that.

But suddenly... almost as instant as flicking a light switch... he became critical of my character and flaws. Sometimes I think he wanted a break up so, having these reasons would strengthen him and make him more resolute. I don't know.

4. Physically Distant
I am a cuddler... and a hand holder. I love affection. We would always hold hands when walking about.. and I always lie on his chest on the sofa, when watching TV. For like 10 months... but prior to he break up, I did realise he would always say he's hot and sticky and needed space on the sofa. And then when we were walking about, he would casually (not rough and abrupt) let go of my hand, keep his hands busy or in his pockets. And I remember raising it one late afternoon while we were sitting at the coffee bean outside Forum. I sat there looking at all the couples going past hand in hand.. and I remember sadly saying to myself... what has happened? How come I don't have that anymore? I didn't see it coming.

But Mark said that most of his guy friends don't hold their wives hands (yeah... but they also don't go home very often either!) and that men see holding hands as pointless. But we discussed it and I told him it made me sad and that holding his hand made me feel secure. And he said that ok... we'll hold hands more often (but we broke up exactly a week after this conversation). Sad huh.

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Ok.... such a long wordy post. But it's been on my mind the past week.

Next post... I want to discuss dating protocol. Hope to have your input for that too.

47 comments:

  1. Hey Holly,
    I'm not sure whether I should agree with you on whether it's the INTENSITY that was the cause of your break-up with Mark. But I do have to agree that being with each other too much does get a bit boring and it also gives the other party an opportunity to find out YOUR flaws (and thus, get irritated/annoyed by you).

    My boyfriend and I have been together for about 6 months and I see him well, everyday. We do everything together too. And yes, I am afraid that one day, he might find me too clingy (maybe for you too?) and get annoyed and start drifting away.

    Anw, I don't think it's the intensity. There could be another party. You never know.

    Stay strong, Holly.

    And ... always put your whole in a relationship. :)

    Love,
    S.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Anonymous4:39 pm

    Hi Holly,

    I can't say that I'm an expert on rs or understanding men, but I guess, just trying to think a guy's point of view, maybe your ex got scared by the intensity? The future, babies, bringing you over to meet his family... It's fun to talk about when you're in the early stages of love, but when the lovey doveyness settles down, and he really thinks about it, maybe your ex realised that he was not as ready for it as he thought?

    I guess there are no fixed rules in relationships right? You don't have to deliberately see less of your next bf just cos of what happened. But from experience, I feel that maybe there is some truth to the saying that distance can make the heart grow fonder. If your next bf pulls back a little or acts irritable, starts criticising you a lot (these are red flags in any rs) maybe you could talk to him and suggest that you take a little time off each other for a while (say, maybe a month or two). It might help to save the relationship in the long run...

    ReplyDelete
  3. Anonymous5:58 pm

    I would not presume to give you advice, as only the two people in a relationship can truly know and decide what went well and then so wrong.

    But hey, life goes on, and it's nice to see you're picking yourself up well. i've no doubt you'll find someone else better/ more suitable (?) to love in the future. :)

    btw, i love reading your blog! looking forward to more of your dating adventures!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Mother of 26:47 pm

    Hi Jean.

    I am sorry to hear that things didn't work out for you but at the same time, I am happy it happened because it means that you both are not meant to be together at this time. I always believe in fate as it was fate that brought me and my hubby together. We have been married for...mm.. coming to 12 years now! (wow...for a moment, I nearly lost count..hahaha). Yes, we are happily married and it has come to a point whereby we would know each others reaction or reply before it happens! Why do I believe in fate... because I met my husband on IRC (not a dating agency. It used to be a popular chatting place then) and I got married at age of 21 years old then! He is a Singaporean in the States and I am a Malaysian working in Singapore. We were just at the other end of the globe. Yes, something that I think I can't share with my kids (2 rascals aged 5 and 6) yet (til they are married probably)! I can't imagine my kids telling me that they are getting married to someone they met over the internet! However, I can imagine any parents reaction (til today my parents do not know how we met! haha).
    I just want to let you know that do believe in yourself and fate! Time will tell it all the purpose that everything is happening, be it happy or sad! If you and Mike are meant to be together, you both will be in time to come, if its not, disaster would happen. Good luck in your future relationship! (without a 's' if you notice!) :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Anonymous8:45 pm

    Hi Holly,

    First off, it is rather a lengthy post so read at ur own risk. (j/k)

    Do you know why he choose to let go of this relationship? Did he tell you the real reason?

    Btw, I'm pure asian chinese, I used to date a white man before and he is from England too. At the moment, we are still friends.

    I ever heard from a guy, if you let a guy knew everything about you then he will have nothing much to explore,thus it will lead to boredom and not excited/thrilled anymore. From a hyperactive level to a comfort zone then to boredom.

    As from what i experienced, most people will reveal their true self after sometimes(how long we do not know),thus on the process of dating, each will still try to play their very best to attract their partner or behave well.
    (I could be wrong)

    Mind I ask did Mark ever said the three words before? If do, he may love you but not in love with you to carry on the relationship.

    Likewise,it can be many other reasons also and the long lists can go on.

    I had a friend who had break up after 10 yrs of dating(friends to lovers)or divorce after just one year of marriage.(dated for 3 years). So to me, i find that love nowadays are just so fragile. People love for the wrong reasons or married for the reasons also. Well, you may seen some happy marriage/relationships but that is just minority.

    On a postive side, others told me real love do happen if you find the right one.

    As you mentioned in your earliest entry that most of your gf are married and you had to start all over again. Fret not, bc you are not alone. I share the same plight as you and I am older than you.(blink blink)All my gf are married except me and surprisely I don't feel left out or disappointed with myself. You can't rush into relationship/marriage just so everyone is into one.

    Just go with the flow!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Anonymous9:19 pm

    Suffocating behaviour

    phoning the guy every day asking what he had for lunch?

    no wonder his spirit was broken

    and, after he snapped, you carried on calling!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Anonymous9:47 pm

    Cont'd:

    As mentioned respectively in your post, this is what i conclude (pardon me if i sound crude/wrong, it is just my 2 cents worth :)

    Regarding the 4 wholesome days together in one week maybe a bit clingy to him, unless he had no obligation. Sometimes, guys do needs their space.(that applies to marriage too not only relationships, everyone need their own space.)Guys do not like clingy gals.

    Regarding the irritable subject, I would said he is selfish, yes SELFISH!He should spare a thought for you as you had worked late and had to rush back to prepare dinner and yet he doesn't seem to appreciate and wanted the chicken off the bone...yadah yadah

    Now the phone-calling-lunch-part, I would take it that you are smothering him too much and he may find it irritating as it had been done continuously for the past few months. Guys do not like to be smothered too much and sometimes we should let them call/checked on us.(evil grin)

    Regarding - No more talk about future, I assume he don't want COMMITMENTS yet, some guys are just so scared of commitments,hmm...or he had different prospects in future.

    If he creates expectation for you, and doesn't follow through little things, he will do the same for big things. Be aware of this and realise that he's okay with disappointing you. Don't be with someone who doesn't do what they say they're going to do.

    Being Critical & distant, I would say the affection is diminishing and it is not good.If a man is into you, he loves to touch, hug ,kisses you ..etc.

    SOrry for another lengthy and nagging post. LOL

    ReplyDelete
  8. Feel like crying when reading your post, reminds me of my break up, stay tough holly!! you can do it =D

    ReplyDelete
  9. Thank you everyone for your comments... (yes, even the wrong ones make sense to me).

    With regards to the calling at lunch, it's a habit we have tht we spk to each other during tht time,and it always used to be a happy call.. for like 10 months. then suddenly... he snaps. If he didn;t like the calls, why pretend to like it for 10 months (!) and encouraging me to do it.. with a cheerful "Ahhh.. hello Poppit! I was wondering when u were gonna call. Did you have your Yoghurt yet?"

    Just the same I cld snap back - What does it matter to you if I been to the Yoghurt shop or not?!

    but yes.. i agree with everything else abt the lack of space.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Anonymous10:15 pm

    Yeah, these were the signs before my ex-bf left. But for my case, I think I wasn't intense enough for him. I was not willing to settle down so early, and guess what? He got married 5 mths to the hooker he hooked up with (haha pun unintended) after we broke up, and his wife is now pregnant.

    I used to feel damn bitter abt it, but not anymore. Better in time! :)

    -rR

    ReplyDelete
  11. I know this is hard to digest but...

    this is good news!!!

    Because...

    Someone who truly loves you, will pamper you and whatever la, and of course you will love him so much more than the current man... is gonna come real soon.

    I didn't believe in love ding dang dong but heck! When he comes, you'll know it is HIM! =) (He'll never make you feel like today)

    Cheer up la! "We'll" bring you out more often! =)

    ReplyDelete
  12. Anonymous10:25 pm

    hey dear,

    i don't think it's an intensity issue. i've been together with my boyf for more than a year. i see him everyday for more than 12hours each day, but we still don't get sick of each other.

    once u find the right one, no matter how much time u spend with yr other half, u'll hardly ever get bored of him. :)

    ReplyDelete
  13. Hey holly. usually im just a silent reader on your blog and i don't really comment. but this time this entry really hit a soft spot and somehow all these tell-tale signs that you listed out were the exact same ones that occurred right before i broke up w/ my boyfr of 9 months.

    But i guess to the both of us it really was just one heck of a shock as while we were holding on to that relationship, the other half was slowly letting go? and we really could have seen the signs then, but just weren't willing to.

    Yeah but stay strong Holly! You're not alone <3

    ReplyDelete
  14. Anonymous10:46 pm

    sounds like this guy is a "pro". you may not like to hear this, but i think your ex-bf is very good at break up. he follows some key rules of breaking up: a period time of cooling down; then started to keep distance with you; and one day, because of a very little thing; he wanted out, and never look back. well, i have to say that he was "good", and my prediction is he already has the next target. well, good luck anyway.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Anonymous10:51 pm

    how does he spend so much time with u? doesn't he have a job?!

    ReplyDelete
  16. been asked tht qn before. he's a lawyer. but in a position now where he doesn't need to work 9-6 or anything regular.

    which was pretty much why we spent so much time together

    ----

    anon 10.46- nah i really dont think so. we both want to have a family etc. so it was a bummer for both of us when we started to realise it wasn't going to happen.

    he isn't dating as yet, he's gone back to england to spend a few wks with his parents. maybe he'll start dating when he goes to spain.. since he has a house there.. he might want to relocate there instead.

    but as for me, i am already dating...n confused... because nothing is falling into place... HATE dating. will blog abt it soon.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Anonymous1:05 am

    but why? thats what want to know, the how is easy the why? come on babe! tell us
    Joe BM

    ReplyDelete
  18. Anonymous1:43 am

    Hey,

    just wondering, why did you go off the pill?

    Did you actually plan on having kids out of wedlock with him?

    ReplyDelete
  19. Anonymous3:30 am

    Hi Holly jean,

    i quite a fan of your's and i sincerely do hope you will find the right one, i believe that he is just not at that stage where he is ready to settle down.

    But just an observation that i had, whenever u end one relationship, you seem to have a stream of dates lined up for u almost immediately! Its like you have an agent to help u arrange for dates and they all sound like you never met them b4.

    Now im not questioning your ability to attract the opposite sex but when you are in a relationship, to me at least, usually won't you neglect to some extent your close friends or greater extent your fair weather friends. Probably im too traditional.

    So how do you lined up dates so fast? Is there like some neon light that will flash up when u are single and every male on your list will be notified through mail or guys just start calling u up?

    Haha sorry for this random thought. Im a guy and i amazed by the rate of your dating coz when i broke up, single friends who know me usually dun date me so fast becoz it felt weird, going out for dinner on a romantic setting with her pretending that the break up never happened.

    But i think probably its becoz your a girl and guys will still devour a fragile girl who just broke up weeks ago. But maybe you should do an article on how to get dates LOL it will be interesting and think you the kind that can hit the bar and have tons of people wanting your number and if that is the reason that probably explains it all.

    Peace

    Piggy

    ReplyDelete
  20. Anon1.43- nope. We were reading abt how women who want to try for a baby come ff the pill and find it hard to conceive... taking 6 months to a year to get a baby.

    ANd both of us want to have kids and a family. So I decided to come off it, and so when we got married we could try for kids immediately.

    Which is also why we broke up- because we had been planning to get married abt a year or so into the r'ship. But we felt as we approached tht 1 year mark.. we weren't ready. not so much were not ready FOR MARRIAGE. but more so weren't ready to marry EACH OTHER. So it would not be surprising if either of of got married pretty quikly after this break up... (not talking lightning fast, shot gun. but more like we both do want to settle down already. just too bad, we're not meant for each other)

    ___________________

    Piggy haha...

    well, the dates??? Not THAT many. lol.

    usually I get ppl off my facebook asking me out, which I just ingnore when I'm attached. But now tht I'm single.. if i like their face/what they say/etc..... then I'll just go out. Though to be fair.. I haven't been out with any "facebook" friends this time round after break up.

    I had one date with the rude asshole at Parkway. Blogged abt it briefly. tht was shortly after break up. I put myself on a dating website. met the asshole. and promptly took myself off the site!

    THen there's John whom I've been hanging out with a bit, but he's not new. been my friend for abt 10 years :S

    and one more guy in the mix. ubut taking it slow. I hardly know this one, kinda from my past. but never dated him.

    So.. i dunnoe how it comes across to you as if I have a whole SLEW of men! haha.

    (my last break up.. yeah.. I'd call it a slew... I'd date like 3 men a week!)

    not this time.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Anonymous10:01 am

    Hey Holly,

    Mark is a guy who was open to give a serious relationship with you a shot. He moved in with you after a few months, spoke to having babies with you and brought you to meet your family - he wasn't scared of committment and was in love with you (in the beginning).

    But things became horribly wrong.

    To be honest, I do not believe in all this "meant for each other" crap. I think that a relationship is hard work and both people have to work at it.

    In this case, (i'm sure mark has his own set of problems), but I think that sometimes working on a relaitonship might not mean "working on it" in the conventional sense.

    Instead, you should have called him less, kept him anticipated. In those four days per week you spend with him, spend some of that time away from him, meet your friends for coffee to give him some breathing space, when you sense irritation in his voice, don't call him for a few days for him to recover.

    You always say things like: Oh, I am just myself, he should love me for me, there are no secrets.

    That is the problem. You need to create anticipation. This is not about playing games, but imagine if you knew what every single present was before you opened it. How excited will you be?

    Would calling him a bit less be hiding something from him/ not be urself. Why not try it? A relationship is about being yourself and yet with someone else.

    Holly, there are some things you need to work on. Its plain to see. Be independent, have a life, do not hang on every guy's word/ wait on him. That will work.

    Its about balance, but obviosuly looking at all your failed relationships from Diasppeaing man to Mark - you do have a problem and you need to sit up and fix it.

    Stop asking people to except you for who you are. Wanting some anticipation, a woman who is independent - doesn't mean they don't accept you for you. Who are you anyway?

    ReplyDelete
  22. This is not true. You gotta be who you really are and there is somebody out there for you who's gonna love who you really are. Me and Gez has been together for more than 2 and half years now, we got engaged a year ago and is planning to get married next year. I am who I am, clingy,complaining and everythg but Gez loves me for who I really am. You know who's the problem here? It always lies on guys itself. You need a total mature settled man. And from what I know, dont go for the rich ones, not gonna last long with these guys

    ReplyDelete
  23. One should not need to play mind games to get what they want or ensure that the relationship progresses well. However, as much as I disagree and think that it is total lame, men do not like to discussed things like babies, marriage, settling down all the time. Such topics to them need not be discussed/studied like a subject in school but they will know when the time comes, Women on the other hand, we like to talk about it so that we can be prepared for it etc.

    But looking at your past posts HJ, i think perhaps Mark feels the pressure from you to execute these commitments rather than to have him initiate the process of these commitments. Its nobody's fault but maybe he loves you but he loves himself more. There will always be a child in all men and what really constitutes a total matured man? Sometimes, us women will not like to be bossed around, told what to do but this comes with the package of a total matured men, All in moderation I say!!

    Good luck to your future in love. I always believe that one door has to close before another will be open. The faster you move past this chapter, the better and quicker you will meet THE ONE. In any case, focus on yourself. Do not revolve your life around another person... you will lose yourself in it and find that you have been short changed when the relationship ended....

    ReplyDelete
  24. Anonymous2:11 pm

    Hi Holly,

    Don't mind if i ask what if Mark ask for a reconciliation, would you accept this relationship again?

    My former white guy did asked for reconcile although he initiated the break up in the first place, but in the end it still did not turn out well.


    anon 8.45pm 20th sep

    ReplyDelete
  25. to the one above:

    you know what... if you had asked me this qn 2 weeks ago.. I would have said YES. But now as time has passed... I'm not sure.

    I've been evaluating the relationship.... and a 19 year age gap will def bring problems, maybe not now... but ten years from now??? So it's a good thing tht it ended perhaps.

    Now, even if I do date OLDER, it'll be abt 10 years max. I do want someone whom I can grow old with. Yes, being with Mark was great and it had a lot of good points (being with someone older)... but I've been lookin around as a single girl the past week and I do think I'd like someone younger.

    (but tht comes with it's own set of problems!!!) we'll see huh.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Hey jean,

    I can understand how you felt towards your ex-bf.
    If i were you, i would reconsider the relationship again if Mark were to ask you back.
    But one thing and the truth is that you can never change yourself for him!
    Seriously..
    I felt that i have the same thinking,personality as you.
    Guess what?? On average, i spend like 5 days per week to meet him up..
    Its a must for me to stay over his place during weekends..
    Even though both of us are young working adults, i simply just want to meet him up be it just a dinner.
    I believe being with him, you do feel happy.
    Its the happiness that a woman wants..

    Many people said that am to control of him..
    initially, he do complains that he do not have freedom and he did initiate break-up..
    He often goes clubbing which i dislike even though i club often before i met him..
    The number of quarrels we had is countless..
    It's always repeating and happens almost everyday.

    He said that he wanna go back to his life just like before..

    Therefore, i figured out that Mark left you because he want freedom..
    He cannot stick to you always.

    In any case, never change yourself...
    Love a person like you want it to be..
    showered him with care and concerns..
    One day he will realise what you did was good for him..

    Perhaps my bf understand me better now.
    I do change abit like understand he need to rest at home coz waking up early in the morning is really tiring and moreover he's doing outdoor sales..
    I met him less but still 5 days per week..
    It could be that he sees some things in me that i do change??
    No idea..
    A guy's thinking do change if you are willing to put in more efforts and time..They are just like kids..

    Now he hugs me more and miss me more..which i am grateful for it..

    The calls you make in the afternoon, is exactly what i do during my office hours..
    I always ask him what did he had for lunch etc. How's he sales going on...

    Perhaps this is how you wanna show care and concern..
    DO stick to it when it comes to your next bf..

    Hope you be happier..
    Your life will be colourful even w/o mark around.
    Be strong babe!

    ReplyDelete
  27. ashtar10:03 pm

    Hey Holly,

    Agree with anon 10.01AM and Max--space is crucial and men do not like to feel like they HAVE to do something and feel the pressure, hence no talk of babies, marriage and future together (unless he brings it up, preferably while holding the ring :)) Same goes to everyday phone calls and other mundane stuff like that, which they first love so much then quickly get used to then become annoyed by... As John Grey (Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus) puts it, men are like rubber bands--when they feel that relationship is getting too intense or they need their space, they'll pull back. And if you follow them and nag, and question "what's wrong" & "what happened", "how come you've been so distant", "what are you thinking about"... they'll pull back even more and then possibly "go into cave" or withdraw all together...But if you just distance yourself and give them more time and space than they were actually craving for, just like the rubber band, they'll get back to you faster and closer than ever before :)... There's another good book on relationship by Sherry Argov "Why Men Marry Bitches"--despite the title, it is very insightful and makes for an intersting read. Quote:" when a woman is tryng too hard, a man will usually test to see how hard she's willing to work for it. He'll start throwing relationship Frisbees, just to see how hard she'll run and how high she'll jump. Men are used to this. So they try to bait you into this behavior. He may tell you on a 2nd date that he likes red toenail polish. Or that he likes a particular item of clothing. If you immediately begin to "work" to be what he wants, it lessens his respect"...
    Like yourself, I don't like playing games but it is important to understand that we are very different--men and women. When they say they want same things as we do (read: settle down, kids), most times they only say it cos they know that's what every woman wants to hear (you blogged about it yourself)
    Love yourself, RESPECT yourself more, never band over backwords to please ANYONE (unless its your mum & dad/ grandparents/ other really close family memeber cos they are the only people in the world who actually deserve it...) Don't cook when you're tired from working late-- if he loves you, he can take care of that... don't iron his bed sheets when you're exhausted after a long day. Make him work to get you then when he does, eventually, marry you, he'll think it was all his idea at the first place and appreciate you whole lot more for that ;)

    ReplyDelete
  28. Anonymous10:38 pm

    Have you asked Mark why didn't his past relationships worked out? Was he married before?

    ReplyDelete
  29. Anonymous11:04 pm

    Hi holly,

    First off, no offence.

    Did Mark know abt your blog existence? I purpose so if i ask a stupid question though. :P

    If so, what happen if he read this blog and we are discussing or debating about your r/s on how and why it did not turn out well.

    What say you?

    I have ever post my very personal relationship in relationship forum before and ask for advices and later I deleted them off after getting the answers/advices that I want as I do not want my personal r/s to read by the whole world.

    ReplyDelete
  30. yes. he does know of its existence. In fact, he used to give me ideas/inspiration for posts.

    This is my life. I'm a blogger.

    But of course I have and know my limits.

    For people I say bad things abt, I usually don't mention their name (I respect their privacy).

    But I'm in no way talking bad about Mark. In fact, I still maintain and think that he is a great guy. Our relationship failed. That is a fact.

    Discussing it gives me a wider perspective on it.. so hopefully I (and those who read it) can benefit from it.

    It's not as if I blog about things like the size of his cock, or bitch about him, or talk about the sex we had or anything like that.

    ReplyDelete
  31. =) Have fun Single. =)
    I LOVE DATING LAH!!! hahaha...

    ReplyDelete
  32. Anonymous11:50 pm

    Is this your worst break up to date?

    ReplyDelete
  33. it's a relationship tht i was most serious about.

    but my previous breakup (2 plus years ago) was the worst. as in, i wasn't ready for it, i was alone. I cried so hard till blood vessel in my eye burst. I was a lot less mature.

    Though this latest breakup did hurt, we had talked abt the r'ship for a few wks prior to deciding to break up. and we've been supportive and caring of each other thru this break up.

    so in that sense, it's not the worst. the previous one ripped my heart out. This one more like- makes me cry and also smile because of all the good times we shared. positive experiences with him.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Anonymous11:14 am

    You've mentioned worst as in you weren't ready for it. Did it come as a surprise and you didn't see it coming?

    ReplyDelete
  35. Yeah. I was refering to a previous break up (with Skye). Not this latest break up 3 wks ago.

    I didn't see it coming. It was after work... I went to supermarket on my way to his new apartment in club street. He had only moved in for less than 1 week. Before tht, he was living at my place (yah with my family) for a couple of months.

    And so I wanted to stock up his mini fridge. So all the damn supermarket bags (PLUS one of those clothes drying racks!). I reached the place but he's still on his way home. I waited outside thinking... bloody hell.. how come I don't have the key yet.

    And after he came. we went in. Ordered Spizza. I not even put the groceries and cans of beer etc away yet. And he told me he was splitting up.

    It was only after (days after) tht we talked about it and both agreed that we were not happy together. I'm not a quitter... so I tend to charge on. But yes, the initial Break up was a shocker.

    (P/S- ppl reading this, pls don't mix it up with Mark! He wasn't an asshole. I'm talking about an old break up in this comment box)

    ReplyDelete
  36. Hey Holly,

    you said he suddenly became critical of your flaws. What were these flaws?

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  37. Anonymous10:50 pm

    Hey Holly, i personally love you as a person. I started reading your blog months ago and as i read those past entries about r/s, love, bf, etc, it taught me and made me realise things i've never before. So first thing first, a big hug to you! thank you girl!
    keep your mind focused on the things you've been doing to other girl's or guy's lives with your blog man. :)
    and if the right guy comes along, he is gonna stay for surrrre. no waves can hit him away, or no wind can blow him away.
    take care sweetie pie!

    -mel

    ReplyDelete
  38. Anonymous10:51 pm

    "keep your mind focused on the things you've been doing to other girl's or guy's lives with your blog man. :) "

    with that, i meant good and meaningful things. hee.

    -mel

    ReplyDelete
  39. hi mel... thnk u for tht. it's very encouraging. :)

    Jess- "flaws" like I'm impulsive. stubborn. possessive. hmmm... what else... too "motherly" u know like concerned...

    ReplyDelete
  40. hi holly, i thought i could see more pics of u in the pajamas....
    u r really sexy..

    ReplyDelete
  41. Anonymous10:53 am

    hi Holly, i've been a silent reader who has to come out to say something. I like reading about your views on relationship and how you're so honest and open. This is my honest opinion: I really think you should not be in such a hurry to date. Yes, you're ready for marriage and all that but if you go out to meet men with this mindset, it's going to build up into this expectation and ultimately disappointment if you cant seem to find that husband-material man. That's why you find dating such a chore. Dating should be fun coz you're meeting new people who may or may not connect on that level. And sometimes, the husband-material quality doesn't come through on the 1st few dates you know?
    And it seems to me that the problems you had with Mark is not unique. As in, at some point of any relationship (esp married ones), there'll be a stage where suddenly, your flaws are so glaring (to each other) and you wonder if you can go through the rest of your life having to endure all that nitpicking, untidiness, insensitivity etc...(he'll think you're nagging, smothering etc). Throw in stress from work, children, money, health problems, it gets worse. It's a horrible phase. Some people get through it, some don't. Guess that song is so true..."sometimes love just ain't enough".
    So doesn't dating seem like such fun now? Remember, marriage isn't the end-point of a relationship :)

    ReplyDelete
  42. Hey Holly, although I don't really know the basis of your past relationship with mark but he sounds like a jerk (from his behaviour preluding to the break up). You seemed like such a great babe, you probably deserve someone better :D

    Give yourself one last cry. A wrenching one, if you must and prepare to move on ok!

    ReplyDelete
  43. and by the way, eko is such a @#@$$%^&...

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  44. Anonymous12:06 am

    i hate men. you deserve someone who appreciates you and not take you for granted.

    ReplyDelete
  45. anon 12.06 .. please don't hate men. I certainly don't.

    :)

    both of us made mistakes, and the relationship ended. it's not one person's fault.

    ReplyDelete
  46. Anonymous10:43 pm

    You truly make it seem so easy with your presentation but I find this topic to be really something which I believe I would in no way understand. It seems too complicated and very broad for me. I'm searching forward for your next publish, I will try to obtain the hang of it!

    ReplyDelete
  47. Sigh, i was browsing around and saw this article.
    I've been coming to a point in my relationship that i think we'll come to a problem or minestone that we have to decide if we'll be able to carry on together or alone soon.

    I've been so stressed out by this.
    After something happened, he told me about his past [yes, maybe too much info] and i shldnt have wanted to know.
    I've been trying to accept it and love him for who he is,
    i loved our long nights together, just watching show and cuddling, holding hands while he drive and when we're at the movies, but now... no.. i dont really like it when he touches me, and i actually feel i want my own space, [he's sticky, to the extend that we have to meet everyday.]
    Sigh. i feel that i cant breathe, but i dont think i want to let go of it just like that.
    theres still something holding me back.
    but when it has reached this point,
    do you think theres still any space for saving this relationship?

    i really am wondering and im hoping to try.
    [because i feel like mark in this situation and hes more of a holly.]
    :(

    ReplyDelete