The Break Up Break Down

Update: short clip of the Sg Blog Awards Night here. I love my outfit sponsored by Lingerie Plaza! Thank you for helping me pick the right one! Was supposed to win Best Dressed that night.... but no one told me (till the day After), so I left early to go eat cheese cake. kwa kwa kwa Also a short write up by Publicity Pimp , who was the one who hooked me up with Komachi The HairCult. ----------------------------- And now, the Break Up Break down. After the agonizing first days after the break up, I've been thinking and doing a post mortem of sorts. A lot of readers said that we moved too fast. I don't think we moved too fast. If you're both ready for the next stage and have common goals... then why hold yourselves back. If anything... it's not the speed which was a problem... but it was the intensity. On average, we'd spend at least 4 whole days a week doing things together - gym, lunch, pool, dinners, movies, watch tv, events, read the papers, parties, shopping, supermarket.... all done together. And I'm talking 24-7 from the time we wake up (which is half past 7, we're both early risers) to the time we sleep. When on average I guess... most married couples spend like the evenings and weekends together because they're chained to work and careers...and dating couples, probably about a weekday night and a Saturday together. The intensity suited our lifestyles and we both liked doing the same things. But when one or both people start to falter (or start getting apprehensive about the relationship and future), the intensity is like a catalyst to a break up. Well, will I purposely see my next BF less, or give him less attention because of this? I don't think so... I mean, I rather ... if it weren't meant to be... have it fail then to drag on for years only to slowly realise he's not the one. Like one reader said - I just have to find someone who moves to my rhythm. What do you think? ---------------- Is it time to move on? Grief is very personal, and I guess no one is in a better position than myself to know when it's right to move on. Just because I choose to accept that it wasn't meant to be, and that I just have lay the past (good times and bad) to rest... doesn't mean that I loved Mark any less or that I didn't value what we had in the past. ----------------- Did I see this coming? Apart from from the fact that we were talking about the future (or lack of future) of the relationship for a few weeks before the actual break up... there were other signs which indicated that we were emotionally "pulling out" of the relationship. Well, him, more so than me. I was still emotionally in the relationship right to the break up. I can't quit on something because I THINK it's going to end... that would give me a great sense of guilt. So what were some of the signs? 1. IrritableI would come home after teaching (hungry and tired) on Wed nights because I finish at 6 plus usually, but over the last couple of months of our relationship, I had to cover classes for a colleague on Maternity leave so I finished at 8.30pm, and reached Mark's only to start cooking dinner at 9 plus (too tired to go out for dinner). And these Wednesdays I would always be wound up and irritable, Like if he wanted his chicken off the bone... or simple things like that.... it would make me swear under my breath -I'm tired! Why can't you just eat the damn thing as it is! And on the 3 afternoons that I teach, on my way to work, I'd ring him... and usually it's about 2pm, lunch time, and I'd ask him what he was having for lunch. He's a creature of habit too... so it's usually spag bol at Project shop, grilled salmon at Border's bistro, Steak at Black Angus or his avocado salad at Modestos. Now, I've been doing this for almost a year... and looked forward to it (before I started class), and he would be receptive, cheerful and full of love but over the last few weeks of the relationship... those same calls would be a source of tension. I remember being so shocked when I asked him one day , something like... " Hi, I'm on my way to work... you at lunch yet?""What you eating today?" and he went... "Do you really have to know?!" So, it took a lot of effort and I no longer looked forward to those pre/post lunch calls because I had to bite my tongue every time I wanted to ask what he was eating (and I was so used to asking it as well). 2. No More Talk About FutureWe had always been talking about having kids. I came off the pill a few months ago (because it would take months for traces of the pill to completely flush out of the system). But towards the end of the relationship, none of us ever mentioned kids or marriage. Furthermore, he had mentioned going back to England for a couple of months at the end of the year. He was even talking about whether I wanted to spend my birthday in Singapore (so my family could be around) and if so, we'd go after my birhtday. But as my birthday drew close, there were no plans made, no talk about the trip. All our plans were suddenly limited to TODAY. 3. Overly Critical've always been pretty much the same... not like I changed and became a different person. I've never pulled the wool over his eyes, pretending to be someone, but slowly over time, letting my true self out. I'm definitely not guilty of that. But suddenly... almost as instant as flicking a light switch... he became critical of my character and flaws. Sometimes I think he wanted a break up so, having these reasons would strengthen him and make him more resolute. I don't know. 4. Physically Distant I am a cuddler... and a hand holder. I love affection. We would always hold hands when walking about.. and I always lie on his chest on the sofa, when watching TV. For like 10 months... but prior to he break up, I did realise he would always say he's hot and sticky and needed space on the sofa. And then when we were walking about, he would casually (not rough and abrupt) let go of my hand, keep his hands busy or in his pockets. And I remember raising it one late afternoon while we were sitting at the coffee bean outside Forum. I sat there looking at all the couples going past hand in hand.. and I remember sadly saying to myself... what has happened? How come I don't have that anymore? I didn't see it coming. But Mark said that most of his guy friends don't hold their wives hands (yeah... but they also don't go home very often either!) and that men see holding hands as pointless. But we discussed it and I told him it made me sad and that holding his hand made me feel secure. And he said that ok... we'll hold hands more often (but we broke up exactly a week after this conversation). Sad huh. -------------- Ok.... such a long wordy post. But it's been on my mind the past week. Next post... I want to discuss dating protocol. Hope to have your input for that too.