Saturday, August 15, 2009

Women Who Date Older Men Are Gold Diggers!

In May this year, when I was in London with Mark, we took a walk one afternoon through Hyde Park. As we went past a group of girls, I distinctly heard one of them say "*cough* Gold Digger"I didn't even flinch. The last thing you want to do in a situation like this... is to give them the satisfaction of seeing that you are affected by their stupidity.
I don't know if Mark heard it but pretended not to (because he didn't want me to start getting paranoid about the issue)... or maybe he didn't hear it... or if I was just hearing things in the first place (doubt so.. if anything, I'm deaf because I don't listen well when people talk. So I think I definitely won't hear non-existent things!)
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I will re-visit the topic of dating an older man, because now I am in a serious relationship with one and have perspectives on it which I didn't have before. But I'll leave that for another day.
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Today, it's --> Are Women who date older men Gold Diggers? (What do you think?)
My answer : Not every woman who is dating an older man is doing it for the money!
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I am sick and tired of women (usually older) who bash younger women with older partners. When they give me dirty looks, I feel like shouting "Don't worry, I'll leave enough 40 something year old men for you too, I won't take them all!!!"
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However, I do admit, that when I was much younger, I used to think that EVERY relationship with an older man was basically a gold-digging situation.
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My first 2 boyfriends were younger than me. All things being equal (or so I thought)... Why would you want someone older when you can get a young man? I couldn't understand it.
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In fact, I still do think (quite often) that when I see a young woman with a man who has a fat gut, balding head and wrinkly skin (basically anyone unattractive.. doesn't have just to be old). It makes me think... there can't possibly be any sexual attraction there... so it must be cold hard cash.
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(yes, shallow of me to think that, I know. Yes, maybe it's true love or what not, and there's someone out there for everyone of us.... but I can't help my gut feeling!)
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Like any girl who is relatively good looking, I've had my foray into Gold Digging.
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The most recent being the time of last years Formula-1 race in Singapore. I met a guy at a party because we were seated around the same area. (I didn't have a BF yet btw)
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We chatted and then the subject moved to shopping. 'I like to buy nice things for girls,' he said.
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(Note the PLURAL)
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'Would you like me to take you shopping tomorrow?' he asked.
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I must say... boy it was bloody tempting! But he was in his 50s, wasn't physically attractive (to me)... and there was something very lurkish and sleazy about the way he looked at me.
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Didn't take the shopping offer, but he did pay for all the drinks at my table. (Thank You Very Much).

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But if he were good looking, and I was attracted to him... would the story have turned out differently?

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I don't know. Even if he were rich AND physically attractive, I just think that a man who uses his wealth as a hook to get women... is not very appealing. Like what sort of women is he trying to attract?!

Granted, if you worked at McDonald's I would not date you (no offence please. I'll be your friend, but I wouldn't find you attractive as a partner) ....But an obvious attempt at flaunting one's wealth is a turn off.

I think that a man who knowingly buys a woman is no better than the woman who agrees to sell herself. It reduces human interaction to the level of a business deal.

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So.. that said. Why am I with an older man now (who doesn't work at McDonald's and... well, isn't exactly poor)?

If I said that I would have gone on that first date with him even if he were poor and ugly. I'd be a liar. Obviously, I've got to pick my mate based on some sort of standard. Otherwise I'd be dating the whole damn world.

His physical attractiveness is a factor and his stable finances is comforting, but definitely not enough to make me love him. It takes a man of strong character and intelligence to have achieved what he has today. And THAT is the attraction for me. So, would I stand by my man even if he were to hit rock bottom by some twist of fate? Yes, without a doubt. I don't love him for his money, I love him for being the man that he is.

A man mature enough to be able to give without weighing and calculating what he gets back (and no, I'm not talking Money).

To me, at this point of my life, Nothing could be more attractive.

If you could see through my eyes, hear through my ears, smell through my nose and feel through my body and love through my heart... only then you would understand.

So please, keep the bitterness to yourselves.

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but I know you probably won't :)

49 comments:

  1. Anonymous2:34 am

    i don't blame you for getting a little pissed. im 20 this year and im married to a 36 year old man. and he has known me for many many mnay years... [way before i went through puberty].

    i have heard so many gold digger comments about me until i got so annoyed that i told one of them:"how can i be a gold digger when i use my own income to pay for my own stuff?"

    they are just jealous ladies whose personality suck so badly that no men or women wants to be in a relationship with them.

    so don't sweat about these kind of comments.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Anonymous10:26 am

    It's very simple.... As long as it's true love, then it's not a big deal to date with a older man

    ReplyDelete
  3. Yep I agree. I'm dating an older man too - and sometimes I get these comments. it doesn't help that he's white as well. But I just brush them off. I figure, I know what I am doing. It doesn't matter what the rest of the world thinks. It's not their relationship.

    ReplyDelete
  4. girl in the orange singlet1:52 pm

    I'm the total opposite. I'm (sort of) seeing someone 7 years my junior, n have gotten teased by my friends for being a cradle-snatcher (but he's LEGAL, okay!). What do you think about that issue?

    ReplyDelete
  5. wow.. 7 years younger is a lot. like i can't imagine dating a guy who is 22 or 21 now. tht's younger than my younger bro.

    so i can imagine the teasing u must get for it!

    I don't find anything wrong with it though.

    but for a woman.. she'll reach her peak in her 30s and after 40 i think looks etc decline quite rapidly as compared to men.

    so I would worry tht my partner will look much younger than just 7 years younger, when I am .. say... 40 and he's 33.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Idle observer3:20 pm

    This post highlights a quirk of society – that it’s generally seen as okay to take aim at women for dating much older men, whilst guys get off the hook lightly for dating much younger women.

    So, for me, this post asks the wrong question…

    In the general sense, it is quite easy to explain why a young Singaporean girl might want to date a well off older western guy who has the “5 Cs”. But it’s altogether more difficult to explain why Mark was, at the outset, scouting around for asian girls nearly two decades younger than him. What was he looking for?

    It would be interesting to read a post on this.

    ReplyDelete
  7. girl in the orange singlet..still3:31 pm

    Yeah..the looks thing did come up.But I look much younger than my age and he looks much older than his, so currently, I'm not worrying about the looks issue. But who knows many years down the road, eh? Sigh.

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  8. Anonymous4:13 pm

    may i know how old is ur guy?

    ReplyDelete
  9. Anonymous5:21 pm

    its all bout our feelings- matter of heart nd nort jus appearance . He maybe old, but if he got every quality of your dream guy, then why not ? hehs .

    ReplyDelete
  10. idle observer - interesting.

    well... if he started a r'ship with a woman who is already 40, it makes starting a family ( he does want kids of his own) pretty tricky!

    He wasn't looking for someone in her 20s per say. (though I am going to be 29 this year. ) someone in her early to mid 30s I think would have been just nice for him (if we take into consideration the time it takes to build a r'ship and have a couple of kids).

    as is...

    He can't change my age. I can't change his.

    ReplyDelete
  11. juz hack care and return around tell that fellow, " is it your concen?" haha. everything there's good and bad. I have a gf at my age 21 who is dating a man 12yrs older than us! Honestly we did say something abt them but after some time we stopped. The most important thing is both of them are in love deeply. So yea...

    Anyway looking forward to see both of you get married. haha. when ar? when ar? haha curious.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Anonymous9:43 pm

    I guess some women prefers more mature men as some young adults these days are so immature.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Anonymous9:43 pm

    im dating a guy 14yrs my senior and i do receive comments and criticisms about it but i usually ignore, since all my close friends are okay with it, and its the opinions of people close to me that matter the most anyway!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Anonymous9:52 pm

    you know what holly..i'm actually ALL FOR the dating older men thing.

    i'm so sick of getting my heart broken by guys in their mid/late twenties who still act like they are teenagers. selfish, insensitive, self-absorbed idiots!

    i haven't actually dated an older man before though. but am i right to assume they are way more mature in relationships and would generally know how to love/dote/care for a girl the way she deserves to?

    liz

    ReplyDelete
  15. Anonymous9:57 pm

    i don't think they said that you're a gold digger because of the age gap though. it's probably because he's caucasian (they're assuming he's a rich one) and you look filipino.

    ReplyDelete
  16. fionalex
    erm.. not THAT soon.
    -----
    anon 9.43
    I should start a support group of women with older partners!

    I actually worry about when I'm old... and he's gone. everyone else (my friends) can grow old relatively the same time as their partners. :( tht's another issue I worry about, mortality.

    But hell.. 30 years of happiness with the right person is a whole lot better than 50 years of troubles with the wrong one!


    ----
    hi liz... well... i dont think there's any harm in trying it out. It might suit you.. it might not.

    but I DO KNOW older men who still aren't ready to settle down and are still as self centred as when they were younger.

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    anon 9.57
    hmmm... so filipino and caucasian means it's a gold digging situation? Not just any asian?

    I have had other white BFs before, my age. And never ever came across this "gold digger" issue.

    ReplyDelete
  17. I'm 22 this year (& got married last yr) to my hubby who is 9 yrs my senior. Gold digger? Definitely not, but I have to admit that him having a stable & successful career makes him stand out from other boys/men around me. But it was definitely not the most impt reason we got together. In fact when we first got together he was just a salesman making ends meet. (Sometimes I secretly think I'm his lucky star & brought him his success.. hur hur)

    anw i planned to settle down n have kids before I turned 26 (!!!!!) and obviously I couldn't have that with anyone my age since they'll all be fresh grads. so that's another factor.

    Most imptly, he deals with situations with such composure and steadiness, he has taught me soooo much. & my childishness also taught him a lot of things. I understand exactly when u mean when u talk about how Mark is so different from ur ex-bfs.

    Besides, older men are hotter, no? :D

    ReplyDelete
  18. Anonymous10:51 pm

    Same sentiment as u holly...the mortality issue....with 2 decades gap i can't bear the thought of him leaving before me. So treasure the quality time u have is the most important. True love has no age limit...be yourself n you will find happiness:)

    ReplyDelete
  19. Anonymous1:41 am

    Hope ur relationship goes well! :)

    ReplyDelete
  20. Anonymous11:43 am

    Before you blogged this post, I didn't even think your bf was much older than you.:)

    ReplyDelete
  21. Anonymous3:21 pm

    haha holly, your support group thing made me smile! i reckon it would be a roaring success :D it's so true, i face the mortality issue just like you do.. he's 23years older! but yes i guess happiness in the now matters more. haven't told my family about us though, am worried about them freaking out :(

    ReplyDelete
  22. Anonymous6:56 pm

    23 yrs older raises so many questions

    your mentality, his mentality, so many question

    its good to debate age issues in forums like this, but let's not lose grip of common sense. 23 yr age gap is simply bonkers. End of story.

    i know a bunch of people reading this blog will immediately jump to defend, and say i'm a fool.

    but i think there are limits to political correctness. 23 yr age gap is mad! sorry! my view

    ReplyDelete
  23. Anonymous10:56 pm

    It could be that an asian dating a caucasian is seen as a gold digger to no?the age gap probably emphasises it. just a thought:)

    ReplyDelete
  24. Anonymous11:05 pm

    I'm 29 and dating a white man in his 40s. I don't think I face that many critics, maybe because I'm a professional myself or I choose to turn a deaf ear? Well at least I don't live off my boyfriend and I pay for my stuff, including holidays together. Don't be bothered by these people, they can always say what they like.

    ReplyDelete
  25. anon6.56 and anon 3.21

    Anon 6.56, thx for sharing your opinion, yes, 23 years is A LOT. So your reaction is understandable.

    But I do know where anon3.21 is coming from.

    For me, when I started out opening my dating horizons to older men... I started with a few dates with someone who was about 10 years older.

    This was abt a year ago. I thought tht was A LOT and it scared me. But I saw in him something I really liked. even though it didn't develop into a r'ship. So I continued to explore this older man thing.

    The next one was 12 years older. AND I thought MY GOD... 12!!! more than 1 decade. But in perspective, he was only 2 years older than the previous one.

    This didn't pan out( he wasn't ready to commit, so tht's why I say not ALL older men make good partners).

    And then came Mark. who, in his mid-40s, makes him almost 2 decades older. And you know what? The number held me back a bit in the beginning. but I came to realise tht he wasn't different from the guy who was 10 years older. He didn't feel to me - like he was from a different generation and I could not make a connection.

    So in tht respect... I can see why being with a guy 23 years older, in the case of anon3.21, isn't "Mad".

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  26. Anonymous11:21 pm

    why didn't the first 40 something guy not worked out?

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  27. Anon 3.2111:24 pm

    anon 6.56 - it's ok, i know where ure coming from! this' precisely why i think my family would not be able to take it well ha.

    but anyway thanks holly, i needed that! yes even though the age gap is insane (it's been a few years down the road and sometimes i still wonder how come we click), e connection is there and that's what i cherish. whatever the case, i hope that we will all be happy eventually :)

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  28. Anonymous11:42 pm

    I am happily married with 2 kids to my hubby who is 10 years older then me. Financially stable and he gives me sense of security to be able to depend n rely on him guess makes this work.

    He isn't exactly rich but being in love.. you tend to forgo some shit but I am taller then him too haha <3

    Fate works in a magical way.

    Cheers!
    Samantha

    ReplyDelete
  29. anon 11.21 - I liked the fact that he was such a gentleman, good looking and very entertaining.

    First date was special. we had dinner n drinks. Then we stayed up whole night talking and stargazing on the deck of his boat. (no not some luxury cruise! But he loves boats, and he has one and he goes sailing as a hobby).

    Then we sat in the bunk (??? I dunnoe wat u call the room in a boat), keeping warm with blankets and his 2 dogs, We watched a movie in the morning. And he was such a gentleman, didn't try to come on to me or anything like tht.

    I left tht date.. with my head swooning... I was in lala-wonderland-of-romance. But it was just a good first date, and that's it. subsequent dates didn't have a spark.. no magic. And so we slowly just contacted each other less and less. and moved on.

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  30. :) great to hear tht Samantha!


    Thank you everyone for sharing. And even those who raise doubts about this issue, I like hearing your perspectives on the matter.

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  31. Hey Holly,

    I really like ur entry! :)

    First of all, congrats on finding someone whose so so special to you. its not an everyday thing that someone special come knocking on your door.

    Age is just but a number. As much as you may think this way, Singapore's narrow minded + jugdemental society does not allow us to do things that are supposedly out of the norm.

    For one, I am dating a man 15years my senior and I do get stares from strangers. Heck, they don't even know me, so why stare?! I've kinda gotten use to it so I don't always get cosy with him in public. I used to get affected by these accusing stares , and I still mind people judging although that feeling only strikes me once in a while now.

    Gold digger or not, I believe people (especially the narrow minded ones who are opposed to the relationship) will assume u are one. Which is sad , isnt it.

    I'm really glad that I am not the only one around facing such problems.

    Thanks Holly, for making me feel 'normal'! :)

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  32. Idle observer12:35 pm

    But let's not forget that for the majority of people it is healthy and normal to find a partner within a reasonably similar age range. We should not lose signt of that.

    That's not to excuse bigotry of course.

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  33. Roshand5:23 pm

    Holly Jean.. what you have is the “Sugar Daddy Syndrome.” Others call it the “Father was never around” complex.

    I find it sick and perverted.

    I hate how the media takes a trend like dating someone your grandfather's age and makes it cool... and just look and all the stupid girls like u, leaving comments abt how GREAT it is dating older men.

    Deluded. All of you.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Anonymous6:56 pm

    agree with Roshand on the sugar daddy thing

    its funny how holly and all the other girls above mention "stable finances" as so important

    isnt "stable finances" just a diplomatic way of saying something else?

    its 2009, so perhaps its time women stopped being so concerned about what their guy earns and what job he has.

    if you're worried about what will happen when u give up work when having kids, why not work with your guy to save up beforehand? it's a partnership, isnt it?

    ReplyDelete
  35. Hi Holly, most important thing both of you. If both of you feel right, who cares about everyone else? This is a relationship between both of you. Even if you are in a 'normal' relationship, people will still talk!! you can't control their words and action so dont mind about them. Enjoy urself being loved and pampered!!

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  36. Anonymous7:29 pm

    enjoy being pampered?

    that fucking say it all

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  37. Honey and bee7:34 pm

    what's that about gold digger? who cares what soceity sees.. if the man willing to spend on you, i mean.. why not?

    well.. people are just simply jealous they don't get a guy who spent on them(;

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  38. Anonymous8:02 pm

    @ Honey and bee

    because, like the picture in the post says:

    "like a hooker, just smarter"

    THAT'S why not

    ReplyDelete
  39. I am financiallly stable myself (granted.. not rich).. and I dont have to live off someone.

    I just am turned off if a guy I am dating is living from paycheck to paycheck (or worse still... living on borrowed money, and is broke all the time). And trust me... there are lots. I've dated a lot of men in the past where if you hung them upside down, and shook them, 2 cents wouldn't fall out of their pockets. They spent it all.

    so yes, stable finances are important. Not because i want to leech of him. but because it shows me that he plans for the future, has applied himself well and is a responsible person.

    and anon 8.02 - the picture.. like a hooker only smarter... made me laugh, that's why I put it up. It was meant as a stab at people who thought I was a gold digger. :) but of course, I shouldn't expect that everyone would see the humour in it.. and I should have expected tht some ppl would take it literally.

    ReplyDelete
  40. Anonymous10:38 pm

    So, holly, who pays the rent?

    its easy to say ur financially stable if you don't pay for all the (costly) basics

    ReplyDelete
  41. Anonymous10:59 pm

    better a man who spends on a woman than a man who uses a woman's money.

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  42. anon 10.38

    wow. what a personal qn. Are you asking about what percentage of the expenses I cover? It's frankly none of your business.

    I'm not mooching a free living off him... if that's what you're getting at.

    :)

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  43. Honey and Bee6:57 am

    LOL! Holy, i like you sense of humour! Great personality, great attitude! Your comment to anon 10.38- ''none of your business'' makes me laugh my ass off.. ~

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  44. Anonymous10:13 am

    they say money won"t bring you happiness - true , but at least you can be miserable in comfort !!

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  45. Anonymous12:51 am

    Wow, some of your readers are so rude it's bordering on disgusting. I really wonder why there are people who enjoy dissing people whom they don't even know. And why they even read your blog in the first place if they disagree with your lifestyle is beyond me. Too much free time? Angsty loners that nobody wants? Born losers?

    Good for you Holly Jean! You have such high EQ! You make them look like fools instead.

    Liz

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  46. Anonymous8:51 pm

    hey babe, maybe it's not the age gap issue but more like asian with ang moh. nonetheless, a relationship is btw 2 ppl, so as long as u guys are happy, dun need to care abt others who do not even know you. gee=)

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  47. Hi all,

    This discrimination that comes attached with dating a caucasian man is so old. Please just move on with the times.

    If it were a chinese girl dating a slightly older chinese guy, most wouldn't bat an eyelid or shout out 'Gold Digger'.

    Herein lies the shitty reality that there will always be judgement upon you... so look at the block in your eye before you look at the needle's eye in someone else's.

    Having said all that, I can identify with all of you who have a Caucasian or older partner.

    I am in my first serious and longest relationship in my 28 years of life, and it just happens to be with the first causasian that I have dated, ever.

    Guess what: he gives way to others on the road, on the mrt, moves to the back in the bus, is extremely generous to his colleagues, etc, etc and all these are the reasons why we date who we date - Personality.

    Perhaps it may be spurred on by where he comes from - his culture, his upbringing - I don't disagree that his social awareness definitely stems from his culture and society - but whatever it is, we need to look at ourselves and perhaps, maybe, sometimes, rude singaporean men could be a turn off to many singaporean women, who just happen to find polite men charming (and more often than not, are caucasian.)

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  48. As my late father used to say, "Without cash, everything is hypothetical." He wasn't talking about gold-digging women, but in a way, all of us are gold-digging in one form or other.

    Think through your encounters and experiences with individual friends, co-workers and relatives -- at the very bottom some financial consideration is usually involved, no matter how mute.

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