I feel that when it comes to sex... Men have a Double Standard.
If a man has sex with many women... he's seen amongst peers as quite the stud and is envied by other men. But if a woman has many sexual partners, suddenly she's a whore.. promiscuous... so so cheap.
There's like a stricter moral(sexual) standard that applies to women.. but not men.
If a man has sex with many women... he's seen amongst peers as quite the stud and is envied by other men. But if a woman has many sexual partners, suddenly she's a whore.. promiscuous... so so cheap.
Are all men slightly schizo?? For instance... when on a first date with a woman, the man is (most probably) already thinking about having sex with her. Everything he does... from paying for dinner, to flattering her, to being a charmer... is aimed at getting her into bed (I think).
But if she goes to bed with him (after all his effort in getting her there)... he's going to think she's a slut for doing so!
---------------------
So is the key then... just not giving in, resisting and playing hard to get?
I don't think so.
Let me tell you an experience of mine- about 7 years ago... I was dating a guy... let's call him JOCKEY. Had a great first date... followed by maybe 4 more dates over the next couple of weeks. And he gave me a key to his apartment. His place was in the West, close to my university (while I lived all the way east.. in pasir ris). So he graciously offered the use of his place for rest anytime day or night. Nice right?
Then about a week later, we were out for dinner, he suddenly said - "Holly, I don't think this relationship is working out. Can I have my key back?" I was taken by surprised. I asked why... and he said something like... sex is important to him so he can't be with me.... blah blah..
Worst thing was- he had said all that BEFORE the food was served. So I took the key from my bag... placed it on the table, and slid it to him... I was feeling miserable, and embarrrassed (I don't know why.. but I was)... and still sat through a whole dinner! I should have just walked off.. but I was young.. and stupid. haha.
I didn't understand it then.. and still don't understand it now. If I slept with him early in the relationship.. he would have probably thought I was easy, and not treat me with respect. Yet when I didn't sleep with him... I still got the boot!
And it's not like I was frigid... in fact... had the relationship developed further.. intimacy would definitely be part of the picture. But it's like there's some sort of time frame... a window. If you jump in (to bed) too early, they don't respect you. They start thinking that you're an easy lay, and that you sleep with everyone. They're going to ask themselves - God! How many guys were here before me?! or ... How many cocks has SHE sucked?
Yet... ( in my experience)... if you miss that window... they lose interest in you.
[P/S- I'm happy I didn't sleep with JOCKEY anyway... what a jerk.]
I'm attached now.. so it doesn't matter to me as much. But I've always wondered what the rules to this game are. Men out there (even women) enlighten me if you can. :)
When is it appropriate to get intimate? (3 dates? 10 dates? 1 year??!)
If a woman has sex/BJ on the first date, what do you think of her?
If a woman doesn't have sex with you, how long can she sustain your interest before you lose interest?
Does any of this change as you get older?
Would be interesting to find out what you think :)
Comments
I would wonder why would she wanted to have sex/BJ on the first date. Does she want to hav a ONS and jus to have some pleasure? Or she is really interested with her date and wanted to continue dating with him. But i think on 1st thought, most ppl would probably still think that this woman is cheap. To me, i like things go slowly and steady. Having sex on 1st date is too rush for me..
If a woman doesn't have sex with you, how long can she sustain your interest before you lose interest?
Well, i think it all really depend of what kind of guy u date. Depends on which kind of man he is and how he rank his sex life ba..
The funny or nice thing about my relationship right now, is that I fell in love with my best friend. We've known each other for 10 years and got together recently, she has sustained my interest in her (although it was subconscious) all along, without any sexual intimacy. And I know she's the one. I may be an anomaly, but i'm positive there are men like me out there. heh.
One point...half of society is made up of women. Women can change views, for a start women can refrain from using derogatory terms against their female counterparts who have sex for their sole pleasure. ;)
I think thats ok bah.I don't see them as sluts.
Ive learnt overtime tat sex is jus inevitable in a relationship. BUT it does nt mean giving in for sex wil ever make it last longer. One thing for sure, not doing it will definitely end it earlier.. sad!
my boyfriend and i used to live overseas and had a rather intimate relationship, but it never crossed over to sex..i guess it kept him excited because he could never take his hands off me but yet i never gave him the permission to go all the way to 3rd base.
after we came back to singapore, we didn't get intimate anymore because we don't own an individual apartment. i'm not sure if i'm thinking too much or what, but i am very sure that his sexual interest in me took a nosedive after 2 months of being not intimate..and eventually he even started kissing me like a log..that was days before we broke up.
we never talked about it..but i'm just dying to know if intimacy is very important to maintaining a relationship. there are guys out there who say 'oooh some of us genuinely don't need intimacy'..really? i can't help but wonder whether we'll still be happily together if we never came back to singapore. sigh.
Isn't the real question why you never communicated with him about this in almost a full year?
Doh!
it would be kinda sad if men need sex to sustain interest in their relationships... or is that really the sad truth?
er, how do you bring this issue across without offending him ? it's not as easy as it seems. 'hey you don't like me anymore because we are not having sex?' if i'm a guy i'll be insulted and offended to hear something along that line from my gf. anyway there is no point debating about it now anymore.
just broke up with my current boyfriend like ytd, and we've nv had sex. i guess we were like-minded souls who were too much like each other, and ended up like this. but what i was trying to say is, he does believe in sex after marriage too=)
And yes.. JOCKEY IS A JERK. *!&@*(!^#&*@
and for holly's story, if you took the jerk's key and still didn't have sex with him, I am not surprised that he would act this way. I mean if you want to hold yourself back, then don't have to take his key. But honestly, this JOCKEY also was a dumass. No guys would give his key away b4 even get the girl to this bed. haha!
I was naive, but not as if I took his key and was NEVER planning to ever sleep with him! lol. Just was a bit slow lah. But he was impatient.. so ... his loss. lol.
The Bimbo- yes, agreed. I also find that how quickly I get comfortable.. or guarded... or intimate with a date has changed as I age. It starte doff real SLOW moving when I was a teenager. Then in my early 20s, it was almost as if I was impatient and eager to experience new things, new people. But now in my late 20s I'm back to taking my time again... more guarded.
Hi CIn- Good for you. :) Hold strong to what you believe in.
Fay- yes.. I hear you. Though... I once almost dumped a BF because sex was VERY bad. I was even cursing myself for only finding out wat sex was like with him 6 months into the relationship (when I've put in too much effort to just throw the r'ship away). haha.
PS: BJ as the grand slam is only for Singaporean or most asian people; for western people, they would take Anal sex as the grand slam. lol!
I think it depends on the stage one's at in the relationship. I'm against having sex too soon... or having sex too freely (being promiscuous, and having casual sex is a no-no).. but i don't frown upon someone simply because they aren't virgins.
i certainly don't advocate that one should ONLY have sex after marriage or vice versa.
of course, this topic is always open to an interesting discussion.
just wondering... when it comes to choosing a wife... would you likely choose the woman whom jumped into bed with you and sucked your cock, within hours of meeting you for the first time? (first date)
Imagine all the first dates she's been on before meeting YOU!
Or the woman (who loves sex just as much) but restrained herself for a few dates, just so she can get to know you better.
It's nothing about other women calling sexual liberated women sluts. this post is asking whether men really look for sluts for wives? and is it so smart to portray ourselves this way? we might end up with STD and still no husband!
If a husband is what you're looking for, then his past sexual experiences wouldn't matter be it with women who "suck cock within hours of meeting him", if STDs are what you're worried about then its just better to abstain completely. knowing him after 3 dates or more wouldnt make him more sterile would it? and when we talk about dates, id hardly think its a blind date with someone who've you never had any decent conversation with before a meet up. is that even possible in this time and age? whos to say sleeping with your date at the first or second date makes you less chaste then say after 6 days? why not a hundred then or a thousand. these "moral" boundaries are so loosely drawn up that anyone can justify sex on one date as well as against 20. depending on circumstance and context yes two very big ambiguous and fluid variables id still hardly think men are less attracted sexually aggresive women at least not sexually assertive men. lol. on the other extreme chastity on both ends didnt quite lead to any good did it? look at how singaporeans have to be educated on how to MAKE babies. they fail the functional portion of sex, on a emotional passionate level, what good has all this sexual sobriety done for them. youd hardly think theyre having explosive passionate sex when they get to it. sexual assertiveness is a part of your personality if its not in you just dont do it. if it is and men or women love that then at least they love you for being you, being branded a slut,whore,playeur,stud, aside, these are just all labels for the lazy.
thnk u for sharing.
Of course if tht is your stand, and it is what u think is right, then u shld stick by it. nothing wrong with it.
but of course, your bf has his own stand too (regarding his 'needs'). And it is up to him to decide if it is right for him to wait 7 or so years before having sex and it is a sacrifice he's willing to make.
with regard to his frustration and your irritation with the constant pressure... is there no middle ground? Is there some level at which the both of you can reach a compromise? like a certain level of intimacy perhaps
It's actually a need. Yes stand by your belief by all means, but can't the rules bend alil. No penetration... but oral is fine. I mean I waited a long time too even before we got into that cos I really love my wife but you know, there should be some compromise.
That's just my take on it...
On the precious comments, I don't think sex really matters too much in the first 1 month... especially if you're looking for a long term relationship, if the guy likes you enough, he'll wait. If he just wants to get into your pants, he won't.
Either way if you feel like doing it earlier, it really doesn't make you cheap either... but try not the first date unless you've known the guy for ages before dating him... grey area ha ha
If the guy dumps/leaves you shortly after... it was never meant to be anyways... he was quite obviously just wanting to get into your pants... especially if he made some lame excuse for the break up.
Guys who really just want a proper relationship won't judge you based on how fast you went into bed with them... just don't do it too fast... 1 day...
Hope this helps the girls out there that was wondering whether sex is needed in a relationship. Cheers
If a key can open many locks, it’s a Master Key…but if a lock is opened by many keys, it’s a crap lock
LOL~