Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Help Holly Jean Answer This One Please!

I need your Help! Please take a minute to give me your opinions about men who flirt with other women while in a committed relationship. Should GFs and wives just accept it because it is harmless?

Here's the exact problem:

Dear Holly Jean,

My bf and I have been dating for about a year but it's been so tough for us.

He will be turning 29 this year and I, 23. He works full time and I just graduated from school. Its always the same problem arising between us.... and its an issue with him constantly flirting around with girls behind my back.

I have caught him chatting up girls via online networking sites such as Facebook. My friend has caught him putting his arms around other girls in the club, I have caught him texting other women on his mobile too. I don't know if he has gone out with them too.

I have no idea how much longer I can take his lies, empty promises and what nots. I think he feels that he is just being friendly and there isn't really any harm but he doesn't know how much it is affecting and hurting me inside. I have no qualms about him making friends but there is a line towards making friends appropriately. Chatting them up by sending provocative messages is just not the way to me.

I have talked to him about this subject and asked him to put himself in my shoes... He promises to change but the change is temporary I feel. ( One month, he'll be good.. The next, it'll happen again )

The last straw was recently when we agreed about a month back that he would delete his online networking site FOR GOOD but just a week ago, I discovered that he had restarted it again and went back to adding all the girls he had known in his previous account ( At the same time, sending them flirtatious messages like " Hey Sexy.. I'm back... " etc )

I love him a lot, and a part of me tells me to let go but I'm secretly banking on that little hope of chance that he would change. It sucks a lot because I care so much about him but I don't understand why he cant just be interested in me alone and have to seek other women out?

It does not tally with what he always says to me- like he loves me a lot/sees a future with me etc etc... If you love someone, do you do this to that someone then??

WINNY

(I changed her name to protect her identity)

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Girls and Guys out there. Please do help "Winny" out by being honest.

Because if I just gave her MY opinion. It might be lopsided...

If it were me, I would dump him because I know that I cannot be happy in such a relationship. And I know (now) that not all men are like that. I think that if a man needs his ego boosted by attention from other women then he's insecure... not me!

Or is it a sign of a woman's insecurity if she has problems with her man flirting? Or is he just not ready to settle really?

34 comments:

  1. DUMP HIM! definately!! i cannot take any signs of infidelity and this seems to be more than harmless flirting..

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  2. Anonymous2:04 am

    I agree that he is just not ready to settle... To put it bluntly, he's still looking for "The One" and it's NOT YOU!

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  3. Anonymous2:36 am

    The fella is just trying his luck ..DUMP HIM

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  4. Anonymous3:25 am

    I think she should dump him!
    she'll be able to find a much better guy.
    seriously, stop wasting your time.
    nothing matters more than your own happiness!

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  5. tango3:53 am

    put romance and charm aside, i believe that the most fundamental qualities a boyfriend should provide to his partner is sincerity, a sense of security and emotional stability. even if he does not frequently shower you with gifts and flowers, if he is able to meet these three criterion he is a good man.

    it is not so much a question of trust but basic gentleman principles, if you are in a committed relationship, you conduct yourself like you are in one.

    just a word of advice, this is not simply your boyfriend exercising his boyish tendencies, it is a serious character flaw. if he persists despite your objections, he obviously does not value you enough to resist or perhaps it is a character flaw on his part. so unless you are prepared to have him 'flirting' around even after both of you are married, it may be a good idea just to consider giving him an ultimatum and ending the relationship. to me, it doesn't sound much like a relationship at all if he can't even provide you with a sense of security and reassurance that you are the only one he ever has on his mind.

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  6. Anonymous4:00 am

    "winny", you deserve better dear.

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  7. 2 cents4:09 am

    But as a guy I can tell u tht most of my guy friends like to play. I dun mean fuck around. but just guys have playful nature. They love the wives and Girlfrens, and treat them very good... but in the office or when we go out of course will flirt a bit. It is NORMAL.

    We like to talk and laugh with girls and there is nothing wrong with that.

    If you want to suffocate him... even harmless thing like INTERNET (not physical.. only virtual) you want to control him. How will he feel? No balls.

    Don't treat a man like that. I think eventually, he will dump YOU because you are trying to control things. If you catch him cheating on you, then you have reasons to be like that.

    but he never do anything wrong. TRUST him la. Is like he is wronged even though he do no wrong.

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  8. Anonymous4:14 am

    I am a guy and i can honestly tell you that he is simply not serious about the relationship.

    And you constantly putting your trust back in him just makes it all the more easy for him. You are still young and at 23, just about to step into a new world after university, you will have no shortage of meeting new guys.

    Don't short change yourself, dump him. If a guy is not serious about you, he is just not serious and not into you as much as you think.

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  9. celestina8:20 am

    Need to say more?!!Come on, relationship need to build on trust but trust need to be earned!! It takes time to build trust in any relationship BUT it takes second to destroy it too!

    I'm speaking from experience & I ended my r/s wif my ex when i found out he flirt around & all. How can a relationship last or even stand the test of time if we dun feel secured in the 1st place??

    Be wise. Just my 2 cents tots

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  10. I guess winny might have to look into herself to see if she can be stronger, maybe, it's hard for her to let go because she's gotten used to him being around... I mean, everyone seems to know the right answer. HE'S NOT SERIOUS ABOUT HER. The focus would be for winny to surround herself with friends who can affirm and support her through this... 'dumping' procedure...

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  11. Anonymous11:31 am

    dump dump dump! still need to consider meh?

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  12. leave him..? it sure is gonna be hard... but..u gave him the chance be4 n he agreed to changed however..only for a "short period" lik u mentioned? So it should be clear that...even if u gave him a second a third chance...his not going to change for good too? Agree winny?
    Do agree with some of the comments above!
    try cutting of contact with this guy? lik i said its sure gonna be a tough period of time..but it will be over eventually winny..
    i agreed with holly's, ur not going to be happy in this relationship...no matter how much u loved this guy? BUT there's smth i must highlight though...we all dont really know the exact happening of everything between u n ur bf? but to what i read so far..its not ur fault so dont EVER blame urself alright? =] be strong winny talks n goes out with closed trusted frenz~ they will be a great company~
    live a better life without him! its his loss to not treasure u~ =]

    All the best winny~!

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  13. Hey 2 cents, SERIOUSLY would YOU be ok if your lady 'liked to play'? Men are SO ready to chat other women up, exchange numbers, flirt, etc and they will term it as HARMLESS...but let the lady do it and its da CRIME of the CENTURY...Winny should dump the guy, he is OBVIOUSLY not serious and wants the best of both worlds...If he cannot commit and still wants the outside world (and this is SO NOT about control, Im not saying give up the world for your lady but when you are in a relationship, you have to DRAW THE LINE), then DUMP HIM.....

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  14. if i were in that situation, i'll dump him.
    I used to have a bf like that, I gave him many chances hoping he would change but he never did. SO we decided to end things.
    Even now, 6years down the line, he still flirting wif other gals although he has a gf.
    Guys like these never change!

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  15. celestina1:59 pm

    Agreed with cute little angel. There is a reason why the phrase 'Leopard Can Nvr Change Its Spots' is commonly use till now ...

    I rest my case : )

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  16. Anonymous2:00 pm

    Dump him NOW. Don't waste ur youth on him, really!
    If u're hoping he would change, he won't. Maybe I'm generalising, but I've been through this, and I stayed with this jerk for 4 years, and he didn't change. Til now, he's still the same with his current gf.
    Not worth ur love, girl!

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  17. Anonymous2:19 pm

    when i was your age, i would stubbornly cling on to this jackass of a boyfriend (who had similar tendencies) thinking that he'll change because he promised me so. two similar jackasses later, alot of heartbreak, and many years of my youth wasted, I finally learnt my lesson: if a man hurts you, he's a pig and should be treated like one. for each time you buy into his apologies and promises, you lose more time 1. finding a better man and 2. building a better you.

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  18. Thank you everyone for giving your input and I'm pleased to see many ppl are supportive of Winny and encouraging her to come out better from this experience.

    Of course, the decision is entirely hers. But it does seem like a great majority feel that she shld not stick around him... and that she deserves better.

    I think (for most ppl) breaking up can be quite hard to do. Especially if it's over something that's not as Concrete.. example - like you catch him cheating, then it's easy to leave him.

    But when it's a stituation where you feel not 100%sure of ur decision (example in her case... is it harmless afterall? is she too sensitive? What's his side of the story? maybe he's just flirty by nature but wld never cheat on her and does love her a lot?) then it's difficult to just break up and feel like it's absolutely right. [I've been through that]

    But I think that the best guage is.... to ask yourself Winny.- Are you Happy now? Will You Be Happy with him in the future?

    Whether his behaviour is wrong or not.. is not really for anyone to judge. But he's not going to change... that is who he is. So if you know ur not happy with that. then dno't settle for it. You're not a match.

    Hugs girl. Be strong. and like readers have said - you can depend on your close friends to see you through this difficult times (whatever your decision may be). We don't know the right one, just know tht you deserve to be happy.

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  19. Jamie6:22 pm

    winny, everyone would tel u the same thing, that is to break off with him. even if he return & beg u or whatsoever, dun ever give in. be heartless to this guy. A guy would not change for u. words like " i love u forever, u'r my wife, i see future in u, etc etc etc" are his sweet words to u. i bet he is aware that u love him alot. that's why he is targeting at ur weak point. please Don't ever lend or give him $ too.! A 100% YES Girl won't attract guys to be deeply into u. guys likes challenges, they'll cherish things that they work hard to get. and this boost their ego.

    winny u r still young, u definitely can find a better guy. widen ur social circle. know more people.....

    lasty, say byebye to him.

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  20. epiphany.9:13 pm

    hmm. u sound like my fren. =) which has exactly the type of bf. and well. they just broke up and i cannot b happier for her.
    but i realised. its not easy to just leave. she let it dragged for 2 yrs. caught him on bed with other(no, they were suppose to b studying, but they were slpin, although fully clothed on a bed). however much advise everyone gives. it probably has to come from ur own heart.
    like for my fren. i told her she could do 3 things.
    1. take it. =)
    no joke. if u really can't leave him. no matter how much we tell u to. u won't. u will just pin hopes that he would change. so learn to view it as a personal space issue. heard of this saying? love is not about how much u give. because it cannot be measured. if love is a 100%, if he gives only 80. u top up 20. and so u'll learn to give 120 instead.
    at the same time. wait for someone else to come along. and decide if u'll take the opportunity to leave.

    2. men are like puppies.
    being in england for awhile teaches me, one thing-in the english culture. women dump guys. not vice versa. u train them if they dun meet ur standard. euthanasia works. tell him very seriously eye to eye. in men's language. "look, i do not like sharing you with other people. just like you do not like sharing ur car(or his fav item) with others. that they can use as they please while u have to clean up the car in neeed." i would advise u to specify. men dun get it. they often give remarks like "tell me what you want, don't play guessing games." so tell him. like no1. i do not want u to do this. every single thing.
    i practice very much yes and no in my r/s as well. i thank him everytime he does something i like.
    "thank u, its really nice of u." smile. =) men are not women. they rather u tell them. n they would realize that its correct,from then on. they'll do it.
    since u alr tried ur best, and if it doesn't work. tell urself this in the mirror.
    "he doesn't love me enough. and i want someone who loves me more."

    3. sit down.with ur best best fren or own ur own. make a list.
    of what do u want in a bf now, and a husband 20 yrs down the road. den tick on the list what qualities ur bf possess. 20 yrs down the road. when u are old and haggard and love is no longer love today, and u have children. think about the implications u indirectly caused on ur children. are u willing to live with it?that mayb ur children would ans phone calls from his girl-friends?or that he may teach ur son the same ways of treating woman. afterall, u his wife. can manage to tolerate. he must think that his method is right. so he can teach his son this way. =)

    think abt it love. i am in a very happy r/s. times have byn hard. he's not flirty but he used to b bad-tempered and gambles when we started. i paid his debts on my own and did not sound a single word abt paying 30,000. he changes because i stood by him and forgave.but not all mistakes r tolerable, it depends on u. we've byn tgt for 4 yrs and gettin stronger. women today r not like women of the past.we have a choice. another alternative. and we do not need a men in our lives to feel good. whatever u choose. we will stand by u. =)*hugs*
    rmber. being together with a man, can somewhat ensure a title as his main gf.
    BUT it cannot ensure, ur happiness.
    is the company important?or is ur happiness more important?

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  21. All men are the same. They like women and enjoy having their attention and company. The only difference between a man worth keeping and a man who is not lies with his resistance to temptations and his ability in satisfying his woman's emotional and physical needs.

    Do not be afraid of letting go something for fear of not being able to get a better one.

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  22. "Winny"11:22 pm

    Oh my goodness.

    Thank you everyone for your responses.

    I really appreciate it so much! :)

    Honestly, im quite stuck in between because Holly has a point about what she said with regards to what im thinking.

    ( "But when it's a stituation where you feel not 100%sure of ur decision (example in her case... is it harmless afterall? is she too sensitive? What's his side of the story? maybe he's just flirty by nature but wld never cheat on her and does love her a lot?) then it's difficult to just break up and feel like it's absolutely right. [I've been through that]" )

    But I definitely can see that everyone is encouraging me to leave him.

    At times like this, im just gonna tell mysel to be strong.

    But nonetheless, THANK YOU everyone for the overwhelming responses. Every single comment has really got me thinking very hard about my decision.

    Yours sincerely with much LOVEEEEE,

    -"Winny"

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  23. HI "winny",

    I was just trying to add balance to this discussion.. becos most ppl are (understandably) ANTI-YOUR-BF. and I'm sure he must have his redeeming qualities which makes you be with him.

    If it were really up to me, I would have dumped him long ago, because I would be terribly unhappy if I were not secure in a r'ship. But I'm not YOU.

    You need to see if you are happy with him or not. Like what some readers said- u can even try to do a checklist.. does he match up to what you want/need?

    even if ur not strong enough or sure enough to just break up with him now. I do encourage you to keep your options open. Afterall.. it's only fair cos I think tht is exactly what he is doing.

    Hugs again. And please do keep us updated.

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  24. He is just another PLAYER ... com'on a player is good with his words .. All the lovy dovy staffs. SO, DUMP HIM! you're only 23! find a new guy and make sure he doesn't play with your heart even after the break up! Beware, players are really really good at talking and doing things on temporary basis. =/

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  25. well,sadly,im in a situation like you eventhough im a guy.My case its quite similar as my girl is the one doing all those stuff and all,not the online networking one but the meeting guys part and being over friendly,i would say to you,ask yourself questions like is he really the right one for you,with his age like that and yours,its very obvious that hes being greedy about having women around him,

    if he really cherishes you a lot,he would have kept his promise and stop whatever he is doing by now.

    so Winny,think about what i've just said,if you think he is the right one,then its up to you if you wanna be patient and wait for that day to come(the day he would change),but judging from the attitude he is giving now,everyone is saying the same thing,dump him.coz lets face it,you're still young,dont get yourself into a situation like this,coz he is getting more benefits than you gaining just and only his love.Since he is not giving you what you needed the most,then its time to move on.God is watching over everyone,and am sure,there is a love one out there who is ment for you if its not him.

    stay strong girl.

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  26. Anonymous12:34 am

    Needed to ask???? Gosh, you are so impossible!!! Think of the people around you who love you!!! JUST DUMP HIM!! What's wrong with you anyway???

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  27. Charles1:16 pm

    Hey "Winny"

    I'm a guy and I've been in your situation before so I know how you feel. This situation can happen to either sex. Although my ex was not a player, she was constantly the attention of other guys and she felt good so she flirted back and went out with those guys. What makes it worse is she tells me that she's going out with those guys and there's nothing between them.

    It's not that I restrict her but the thought of her just knowing those guys and going out with them alone makes me feel insecure. I guess this is the feeling you are going through right now.

    My friend once said a girl/guy will only go out with the opposite sex if they feel comfortable (meaning to say they will feel good going out with them), and I believe that is true.

    But I also believe in giving chances, and I normally give 3.

    In my case, I broke up with gf after those 3 chances cos she did not change and still wanted to have "fun". She even accused me of being not understanding and siding the other guys.

    Of course you'll feel the sadness, but be glad that it happened rather than being hurt further.

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  28. eunice eleanor1:29 pm

    i will say DUMP HIM!!! he's obviously not into you and not ready to be committed to you. I felt that you deserve someone better! love yourself n dump him

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  29. Dump him. you can find others.

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  30. Anonymous7:52 pm

    Charles ,psychologists describe girls who need that sort of attention as needy and lacking in self esteem - they often struggle in their adult lives to form meaningful long term relationships - as such their young lives revolve around short term liasons and a constant search for their drug -attention - these girls are often sexually promiscuous as they measure their self worth vis other women by the fact that men desire them and want to have sex with them - they are unlikely to be truly happy or reliable as partners and are prone to depression and self harm as they get older and their looks fade -My advice is ,sure have sex with them - after all everybody else does - but they are not keepers - let them go

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  31. Penny4:07 am

    Hi Holly,

    i totally agreed with your advise. But another questions is, if we are already married, had kids. Do i divorce him?

    Please advise.

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  32. Anonymous7:17 pm

    It's a clear cut dump him. As for Penny, it's a little difficult in your case but i would say if you wanna dump him, consider what options you have. Some people have the means and are still young, its easier to take the kids away and start everything with another guy. Some would wait till the kids are old enough to take care of themselves before doing so, but this would mean they give up on the many chances of finding someone else. Weigh your options but once u do it, look forward and don't regret anything!

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  33. i'm going to be brutally frank (and even mean) and say this:

    If you fancy yourself extremely ugly and think you're so unattractive that you're hardly likely to end up with another person who is going to treat you better and make you happier than THIS, stick with him. You'll be unhappy in the long run, but perhaps to weak ones like you it might be better than having no one.

    However, if you consider yourself an intelligent woman who is capable of securing her own happiness (which she has every right to), dump the loser. ASAP.

    This letter reminds me of this girl I know. I hope it isn't her, because she's pretty cute herself and can definitely find better than the loser she's currently with (description of him to a tee in this letter). She also happens to think he's a really good catch (handsome, rich, whatever).

    I HATE WEAK WILLS! Especially in women.

    Sorry, a little bit angry now. haha.

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