Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Doing The Sneaky

Curiosity. It may have killed the cat. But it's just basic human nature, isn't it?

When I look back at my past relationships and see how much displeasure the lack of trust had brought... I just think... why didn't I just call the whole thing off from the start?
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Today's post is about snooping. Be it checking emails, cell phone history, diaries, wallets etc. Should you snoop on your partner???

There's a huge difference between snooping and blindly trusting someone, and a lot of space in between.

To me, blind trust is a form of denial. If I feel something is amiss, I will get to the bottom of things. I've said it before... the leap of faith is really the leap of a coward. A coward who would rather live in ignorance than get to the bottom of things. The truth of course is seldom pretty.

But on the flip side, being sneaky and snooping around can and will destroy a relationship.

What a dilemma!
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Let me share with you my experience of Trust in my life so far.

The Long Past: When I was growing up, I admit that I wasn't someone a man could trust. And the more mischief I could get away with, the worse I would become. I remember answering my then Boyfriend's call at like 1 am in the morning, and saying goodnight baby, I'm all tucked in and about to sleep... when I was racing to end the call in 12 seconds because that was as much time I had before the traffic lights would change and my date's car would zoom off with the unmistakable whirring of a turbo engine.

Bear in mind though, at this point, fun to young Holly Jean was actually pretty harmless. A virgin, didn't smoke, drank mildly. I just got high on being able to get away with all those lies, living a double.. no triple life...

Honestly, if you put a bit of effort into it, lying is too damn easy.

I don't regret the way I lived my youth. Yes, I was probably stupid... but I was young and the world was just beginning to open up for me and it was all good fun. And I think I needed to go through that phase to get stuff like that out of my system... become immune to it until I no longer find such a superficial life desirable anymore. Indeed, that sort of life very quickly became pointless.


The Recent Past: When I hit my early to mid twenties, I became a woman of very little mystery. I am hardly snoop worthy now. Everything is out on a platter. If I want you I make it known, if I am happy, you will definitely know, if I am unhappy, you can read it off my face. I am through with pretending. And I have very few secrets in life.

I realised that lying just meant having to keep up the charade and that was so tiresome. I also started having more serious relationships which I didn't want to jeopardise. What would be the point of losing the trust of a guy I wanted to marry because I wanted to be flattered by some other guy's attention? I know that men are allured to women who have a certain mystery about them, but I just don't want to be that woman. I've been living my life straightforward and simple for quite a few years now and I like it.

The More Recent Past: I won't mention names here. But one of my exes had a snooping obsession. He had created a fake Myspace profile by the name of JJ. And JJ had all the things I wanted in a man. The right character, principles, hobbies, looks, job, height, humour, AND he was Libran too, basically EVERYTHING I thought was ideal for me.

Well, JJ had messaged me through Myspace. And within that first reply, I had already mentioned that I had boyfriend. He'd still ask me out for coffee on numerous occasions. I'd politely decline.

Then after a couple of weeks, the truth came out, my BF admitted that he was JJ. He was just trying to find a way to be sure of me and my commitment to him. I was actually very pleased with myself for having such stellar will power. What I should have realised then was that he still didn't trust me despite me not giving him any reason to. And that was trouble.

Few months down the road, another MSN friend popped up. David Blake. And if you see my MSN list, you will understand why I didn't find this new "friend" suspicious. I have like 500 people who have added me and I don't know who three quarters of them are. And I just leave it like that.

Anyway, I get to talking with David Blake... and he's nice and always online when I was online. So i start to confide in him, afterall.. this was someone neutral, whom I had no intention of ever meeting. And he offered the male perspective to whatever relationship woes I had.

Well... fast forward to a year later. After my BF split up with me very mercilessly, I see David Blake online... and I tell him how upset I was. Then I get a text message from my ex bf almost instantly - "Who the hell do you think David Blake is, you cunt?"

I was shocked that he could keep up another fake persona for almost a whole year, just so he could snoop on me.He had shown some jealousy here and there, but so did I, and I truly didn't think it could get this obsessive. I was shocked that I actually thought the JJ episode was a one off thing and that passing that would make him trust me. Mostly, I felt cheated, and violated.

So when people scrutinise me for not taking him back when he changed his mind about breaking up a few weeks later... (but I thought you loved him? I thought you guys were planning to get married? He got scared and bailed out, it's normal. If you can just change your mind in a few weeks, then you must not have loved him.. blah blah..)... they were far too quick to judge me.

The Even More Recent Past: Another guy I dated exclusively, and trusted! One fine day, started to hide his phone in the strangest of places... like in between stacks of towels in the wardrobe. I had a bad feeling because his phone used to always be on the bedside table, right beside mine. It is also a habit of mine to have my cellphone by the bed at night. And guess what? I checked his phone. My gut feeling about that was right... he was up to no good.

The last time I spoke to him, he mentioned this new word he had come across, Corrigibility. It meant to be able to change for the better. And even though I really liked him and got along well with him, it was the lying that I could not get over. In my experience, trust does not come back after it has been lost.


The Present: My lack of secrecy has been infinging on my life a little. You see, most of my exs know my pin numbers and passwords. And I never change these because then I'd have problems keeping track of them myself! Though I don't have anyone special in my life right now ... I'm surprised that someone from my past might have the energy to carry on snooping even though I've obviously moved on. What's the point?
I guess it's just human nature isn't it...? Meowww!

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So... Should You Snoop On your Partner?
If you get a gut feeling that something is not right, don't be a coward. Find out the truth. If you were wrong, and everything is A-OK.. then leave it as that and stop snooping and start trusting.

Snooping...is like any other addiction in life...and my advice to you would be - Don't go there. Once you cross that snooping line, it's hard to stop.

15 comments:

  1. I can identify with a lot that you have gone through. Just want to give you an empathic pat on your back. Life is messed up, esp when it comes to relationships. Just try your best.

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  2. Anonymous1:11 am

    not going to go low enough to reply to this one

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  3. Anonymous5:19 am

    wow! you exes are sick people, are they white? haha! anyway, one thing is clear, if they still check ur email, which mean they are loser now. no other girl to check except you. so you should be happy that you are living better life than them.

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  4. Anonymous 5:19 AM, nope.. not all white.. and I'm merely picking out a few pretty bad incidences... not all of them were like tht .

    Anonymous 1:11AM , why would it be going low to reply to this one? because you're an ex of mine? Then u shld know tht the JJ and david bllake story is true!

    And if you're the ex who hid his phone in towel stack and I checked it.. u know u did tht shitty thing and tried to hide it.

    I didn't mention ANY names here.. so your identities are protected.

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  5. Anonymous3:59 am

    haha! David Blake!!!! if me, i will pick James Blake and would tell you that I am a very good Tennis player. haha! you had a funny past.

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  6. I hate men who don't respect privacy.

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  7. Anonymous10:50 pm

    Anonymous 1:11AM, so what is the link between Caucasians and people who are sick? "Sick" as in racist perhaps? Like you?

    And thanks for contributing some of the worst written English in history. Give yourself a big slap on the back.

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  8. Anonymous10:51 pm

    oops, last comment meant for anon 5:19. sorry 1:11!

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  9. You know who this is :)2:04 am

    Damn Holly, you got some hostile folks reading your blog and all. Here's my 2 cents to all of this (and I may be completely off the mark)...
    Lies are indeed easy to tell if you try, but eventually the truth will come out. If you even have a slight inkling that you would feel the need to check someone's email or phone, the obviously trust is a major issue and you are better off getting away from things. Snooping or no snooping, trust is a gut feel - either you have it or you don't. If you don't then you really don't need any justification for it - you just pack up and move on. I guess I am a simpleton that way.
    Oh and I would change my passwords and PINs if I were you - personally no woman is getting anywhere close to my email passwords or my PINs unless I am engaged or married to her. It's human nature to snoop - if you give someone that right, you can not blame them for snooping - the past is sometimes a hard thing to let go off. Anyway, that's just my 2 cents.

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  10. You know who this is :)2:04 am

    Damn Holly, you got some hostile folks reading your blog and all. Here's my 2 cents to all of this (and I may be completely off the mark)...
    Lies are indeed easy to tell if you try, but eventually the truth will come out. If you even have a slight inkling that you would feel the need to check someone's email or phone, the obviously trust is a major issue and you are better off getting away from things. Snooping or no snooping, trust is a gut feel - either you have it or you don't. If you don't then you really don't need any justification for it - you just pack up and move on. I guess I am a simpleton that way.
    Oh and I would change my passwords and PINs if I were you - personally no woman is getting anywhere close to my email passwords or my PINs unless I am engaged or married to her. It's human nature to snoop - if you give someone that right, you can not blame them for snooping - the past is sometimes a hard thing to let go off. Anyway, that's just my 2 cents.

    ReplyDelete
  11. You know who this is :)2:04 am

    Damn Holly, you got some hostile folks reading your blog and all. Here's my 2 cents to all of this (and I may be completely off the mark)...
    Lies are indeed easy to tell if you try, but eventually the truth will come out. If you even have a slight inkling that you would feel the need to check someone's email or phone, the obviously trust is a major issue and you are better off getting away from things. Snooping or no snooping, trust is a gut feel - either you have it or you don't. If you don't then you really don't need any justification for it - you just pack up and move on. I guess I am a simpleton that way.
    Oh and I would change my passwords and PINs if I were you - personally no woman is getting anywhere close to my email passwords or my PINs unless I am engaged or married to her. It's human nature to snoop - if you give someone that right, you can not blame them for snooping - the past is sometimes a hard thing to let go off. Anyway, that's just my 2 cents.

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  12. Anonymous4:16 am

    you are David Blake. hahaha! funny

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  13. Anonymous4:34 am

    nope I am definitely not David Blake - honestly man, if I were to pick a random name I would pick something much more colorful :)

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  14. Anonymous12:00 pm

    Really agree with the point above about keeping passwords secret. Think it’s helpful to have that boundary.

    But not so sure I agree with the point about “If you have a slight inkling.. you are better off getting away from things.. just pack up and move on”. Are you so sure that’s good advice to others? Sounds potentially like an over-reaction.

    Just an alternative view - I've found that trust usually needs to be earned, and developed over time. Particularly as you get a bit older, where the amount of baggage both people bring along is higher. There can be unhealed wounds from past relationships, so ‘gut feel’, as you put it, may be a bit haywire.

    For me, the key is to have open dialogue. Talk about trust, talk as soon as there is an issue, openly discuss the past, and talk frequently. If you feel your partner is not being sincere in those discussions, or just avoids them, yes – pack your things! I'm not talking about flogging a dead horse for months - but just a bit of effort. At the very least, it means that if you do have to pack your things you know you gave it your best shot.

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  15. From a young *ahem* man's perspective, I think all men have a soft spot for exs. That's why they took the effort yo look into your stuff via unchanged pins, even when the r/s ended.

    Maybe they wanna boost their ego, to know you cannot live w/o them?

    Maybe they really do care about you?

    Most importantly, there's always a small place in a guy's heart for exs.

    *wink*

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