Doing The Sneaky

Curiosity. It may have killed the cat. But it's just basic human nature, isn't it?

When I look back at my past relationships and see how much displeasure the lack of trust had brought... I just think... why didn't I just call the whole thing off from the start?

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Today's post is about snooping. Be it checking emails, cell phone history, diaries, wallets etc. Should you snoop on your partner???

There's a huge difference between snooping and blindly trusting someone, and a lot of space in between.

To me, blind trust is a form of denial. If I feel something is amiss, I will get to the bottom of things. I've said it before... the leap of faith is really the leap of a coward. A coward who would rather live in ignorance than get to the bottom of things. The truth of course is seldom pretty.

But on the flip side, being sneaky and snooping around can and will destroy a relationship.

What a dilemma!

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Let me share with you my experience of Trust in my life so far.

The Long Past: When I was growing up, I admit that I wasn't someone a man could trust. And the more mischief I could get away with, the worse I would become. I remember answering my then Boyfriend's call at like 1 am in the morning, and saying goodnight baby, I'm all tucked in and about to sleep... when I was racing to end the call in 12 seconds because that was as much time I had before the traffic lights would change and my date's car would zoom off with the unmistakable whirring of a turbo engine.

Bear in mind though, at this point, fun to young Holly Jean was actually pretty harmless. A virgin, didn't smoke, drank mildly. I just got high on being able to get away with all those lies, living a double.. no triple life...

Honestly, if you put a bit of effort into it, lying is too damn easy.

I don't regret the way I lived my youth. Yes, I was probably stupid... but I was young and the world was just beginning to open up for me and it was all good fun. And I think I needed to go through that phase to get stuff like that out of my system... become immune to it until I no longer find such a superficial life desirable anymore. Indeed, that sort of life very quickly became pointless.

The Recent Past: When I hit my early to mid twenties, I became a woman of very little mystery. I am hardly snoop worthy now. Everything is out on a platter. If I want you I make it known, if I am happy, you will definitely know, if I am unhappy, you can read it off my face. I am through with pretending. And I have very few secrets in life.

I realised that lying just meant having to keep up the charade and that was so tiresome. I also started having more serious relationships which I didn't want to jeopardise. What would be the point of losing the trust of a guy I wanted to marry because I wanted to be flattered by some other guy's attention? I know that men are allured to women who have a certain mystery about them, but I just don't want to be that woman. I've been living my life straightforward and simple for quite a few years now and I like it.

The More Recent Past: I won't mention names here. But one of my exes had a snooping obsession. He had created a fake Myspace profile by the name of JJ. And JJ had all the things I wanted in a man. The right character, principles, hobbies, looks, job, height, humour, AND he was Libran too, basically EVERYTHING I thought was ideal for me.

Well, JJ had messaged me through Myspace. And within that first reply, I had already mentioned that I had boyfriend. He'd still ask me out for coffee on numerous occasions. I'd politely decline.

Then after a couple of weeks, the truth came out, my BF admitted that he was JJ. He was just trying to find a way to be sure of me and my commitment to him. I was actually very pleased with myself for having such stellar will power. What I should have realised then was that he still didn't trust me despite me not giving him any reason to. And that was trouble.

Few months down the road, another MSN friend popped up. David Blake. And if you see my MSN list, you will understand why I didn't find this new "friend" suspicious. I have like 500 people who have added me and I don't know who three quarters of them are. And I just leave it like that.

Anyway, I get to talking with David Blake... and he's nice and always online when I was online. So i start to confide in him, afterall.. this was someone neutral, whom I had no intention of ever meeting. And he offered the male perspective to whatever relationship woes I had.

Well... fast forward to a year later. After my BF split up with me very mercilessly, I see David Blake online... and I tell him how upset I was. Then I get a text message from my ex bf almost instantly - "Who the hell do you think David Blake is, you cunt?"

I was shocked that he could keep up another fake persona for almost a whole year, just so he could snoop on me.He had shown some jealousy here and there, but so did I, and I truly didn't think it could get this obsessive. I was shocked that I actually thought the JJ episode was a one off thing and that passing that would make him trust me. Mostly, I felt cheated, and violated.

So when people scrutinise me for not taking him back when he changed his mind about breaking up a few weeks later... (but I thought you loved him? I thought you guys were planning to get married? He got scared and bailed out, it's normal. If you can just change your mind in a few weeks, then you must not have loved him.. blah blah..)... they were far too quick to judge me.

The Even More Recent Past: Another guy I dated exclusively, and trusted! One fine day, started to hide his phone in the strangest of places... like in between stacks of towels in the wardrobe. I had a bad feeling because his phone used to always be on the bedside table, right beside mine. It is also a habit of mine to have my cellphone by the bed at night. And guess what? I checked his phone. My gut feeling about that was right... he was up to no good.

The last time I spoke to him, he mentioned this new word he had come across, Corrigibility. It meant to be able to change for the better. And even though I really liked him and got along well with him, it was the lying that I could not get over. In my experience, trust does not come back after it has been lost.

The Present: My lack of secrecy has been infinging on my life a little. You see, most of my exs know my pin numbers and passwords. And I never change these because then I'd have problems keeping track of them myself! Though I don't have anyone special in my life right now ... I'm surprised that someone from my past might have the energy to carry on snooping even though I've obviously moved on. What's the point?

I guess it's just human nature isn't it...? Meowww!

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So... Should You Snoop On your Partner?

If you get a gut feeling that something is not right, don't be a coward. Find out the truth. If you were wrong, and everything is A-OK.. then leave it as that and stop snooping and start trusting.

Snooping...is like any other addiction in life...and my advice to you would be - Don't go there. Once you cross that snooping line, it's hard to stop.