Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Dating: The Male's Point Of View

I have a special treat for you today :)

I have a contribution from a male reader offering insight into the Men's Point Of View in Dating.

Here it is, unedited by me and my girly ideals. [All I did was put in some colours... even with that, I restrained myself]

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In search for some fresh perspectives and ideas, I decided to volunteer and write on Holly's blog - a male's perspective on dating. American, Singaporean, rastafarian - I am sure all men think fairly alike when it comes to dating (ok maybe the Rasta's are a little more callous with their...J/K).

Dating is pretty simple really - men do it for 3 reasons.

- Reason 1 - to get laid. I can't prove this but statistics say that men think about sex quite a few times per minute. Our strong anatomy somehow overrides the overwhelming human emotions and shame when it comes to sex. Now I know that this is a generalization, but by enlarge, most men at some point in their lives will go on the "hunt" - and I don't mean hunt for a wife!

- Reason 2 - to find the one (or multiple if they are parallel daters as Holly would say) consistent partner(s) whose company you can enjoy or in some cases tolerate. More importantly to find someone that you can consistently have sex with - for most men, this is really a bonus because after a while the chase does get to be rather daunting. Having the sure thing beats the alternative, unless you are a popular athlete or a celebrity in which case it comes easy for you.

- Reason 3 - to find the one...and this time I mean the one. The person you want to eventually end up with for the rest of your life.

See the funny thing, most men will date at some point for all the 3 reasons above and they will generally progress with age through these reasons, or perhaps I should call them stages. In college and your early 20's (high school does not count since most men only talk about and fantasize about dating/sex). it's all about Reason #1. We're young, we're at our sexual peak, we're at the exploratory phase and once out of college, we are actually making money and feel invincible! That generally lasts for a few years. However, I will caveat that men generally will revert back to Reason 1 at the first sign of trouble throughout their lives - it's our ultimate remedy. Don't ask me to explain this, it's just how we are wired. Reason one is all about physical qualities - we are attracted to looks and fitness - intelligence optional.

Eventually sometime in the mid to late 20's men move on to Reason 2. We're a little more confident, slightly (just slightly) more mature, more established in our careers and think we understand what we want. While we still think about sex every 10 seconds or so we do start to flirt with notion of eventually getting settled (though not very often). We have a much better idea of what we want and what we like so we seek out more then just the superficial looks and the rockin body. We still consider those a major bonus, but are willing to slightly deviate more from it. Intelligence and frequent conversational skills become slightly higher priorities in terms of qualities we look for from a woman.

Finally, most men inevidently migrate to dating for Reason 3. For Generation X and forward, this is likely in the 30's and beyond. We are far more mature then our Reason 1 and Reason 2 counterparts. Most of us have a general idea of what direction we want to take in our life. While sex is still at the forefront, the desire to make money or have a fullfilling career in whatever it may be is right there. Stability becomes critical. While we still envy our counterparts dating for Reason 1 and occassionally get nostalgic and say..."man, back when I was in my 20s...", we are generally satisfied with where we are and accepting of the fact that what we may lack in stamina (yes men, admit it - it's harder to go multiple times a day as you get older) we make up in confidence. Dating becomes a lot easier and less daunting as we have a better idea of what we do or don't want. At this point in our lives, looks take a backseat because we think about who we want to spend to rest of our lives with - intellects, friendship/companionship, motherly-ness (is that word) become critical qualities we try to seek out. We are more likely to date someone for personality then physical appearences. Having said that, physical attraction still matters, but model like bodies and looks are just bonuses at this point. Now when we meet women we think..."Can I take her home to mom?", "Do I want her to bear my kids?", and "Do I want to grow old with her?"

Ok, so most of what I wrote above was rather simplified and utopian in a way. Most of our lives rarely see the staged transformations I outlined - and of course there are the occassional out-lyers. The sentimental sappy 20 year old that listens to Celine Dion and skips Reason 1 and Reason 2 all together because they are in touch with their emotions (I am going to reserve my comments for them). The rich 40 some bachelor that is in search of a trophy wife. The slimy male (unfortunately there are quite a few of them) that go through the metamorphosis and get married but feel compelled to keep going with Reason 1 frequently - cheaters or assholes - as you may call them. However, the good news is - unlike women, men are easy to understand. They have predictable behaviors that are dictated by the stage of their lives they are in. The trick is finding out what our reason is!

Just as a bonus ending though, here is my list of Top 7 (7 is my lucky number) things women should hold steadfast as rules that apply to most men when it comes to dating and relationships:

Not Holly Jean's
Top 7 Rules for Dating :)

1) Never ask a man questions to answers you don't want to hear.."Do I look fat?", "Do you like my hair?", etc.

2) Never ask a man "Do you love me?" - if he does he will tell you when he feels you need to hear it. Asking is a sign of low self-esteem, which generally does not jive well with us.

3) If you are going to watch sports with a man, either understand the game or stay silent throughout and don't get bothered by the temper flares displayed by your man. Sports brings out the barbaric behavior in us for whatever reason - accept it. Oh, and definitely never make comments like, "I like the opposing team's jersey colors" - that's grounds for an immediate break up!

4) Men are not mind-readers or psychics. If something is bothering you, don't make him guess what is it! Even an email or text hint would do the trick!

5) If you call us on the cell and we don't pick up, calling again in 2 minutes will not make us pick up the phone. It's like the "elevator button syndrome". Pressing the elevator button multiple times ain't going to make the elevator come faster.

6) While fantastic, sex is generally tiring and yet theraputic for men. By that I mean, we generally want to either watch TV or sleep after sex and enjoy the moment in silence. Talking takes away from the calm and peace of post-sex.

7) Early on during dating, try not to tell us what you would want to change about us. It only makes us want to enhance our negative qualities that much more. Men don't do well when they are confined to expectations. Admit it women, you all do this!

Holly's Anonymous Fan
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(Thank you T for your contribution)

10 comments:

  1. Haha. LOL Never ask a man "Do I LOOK fat".. Thats a hard habit to quit:P

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  2. Anonymous3:05 pm

    Good points, well made!

    I'm 28, and have been at Reason 2 for about a year.

    When will Reason 3 take over? Who knows...

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  3. Good point. I am a BBW myself. We BBW BHM are very proud of our size. I have known many plus sized people at the dating site ***http://Seekingbbw.com***, where you can find many Sexy, Curvy, Classy Women, open minded plus couples, hot big guys, also nice fat admirers, even some celebs.

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  4. Heh! That was spot on. You should not be giving out such pearls of wisdom for free.

    But from Holly's posts in the past, I guess she violates most of these 'dating rules' :)

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  5. diguy2:07 pm

    From a guy's point of view, I totally agree with the post.

    I would like to make a few comments on the top 7 rules.

    1) My ex used to asked this question and I will consistently say no to her. I think she enjoys hearing that. So I have gotten to used to it.

    3) Totally agreed. I hate it so much when someone is blabbering or making sounds beside me when I'm on a game. Please shut up and I don't care if I'm getting laid tonight. The game is more important. lol..

    4) Yes, but pls don't make the text message or email hard to read like a literature book.

    Oh and finally, if a guy asks you out on a date and u are not interested, please say just no. Don't say yes out of politeness and later change your mind. And giving lame excuse like you forgot it was your bf's mom b'day is not going to help. Who in this world is going to believe that you and ur bf have such an open relationship? Guys just like a straight answer so that we can move on to the next prey.

    Cheers :)

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  6. Anonymous10:36 pm

    T admit it. You would still be at reason 1 if you could... but the obesity and hair loss put a damper on that.

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  7. Meh.
    Everything these days is so over-simplified.

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  8. haha anonymous... i can vouch that T is not some fat balding american.

    He's actually tall dark and broodingly handsome.

    :) BUT whether he's at Number 3 or not.. well.. I have my doubts ! Esp after he lands in Singapore, disneyland of girls, yeah?

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  9. Anonymous6:37 pm

    Hmmm... interesting post but I'll like to clarify that men and women can play reverse roles in the 7 pts. I will also like to add on my thoughts to these points. :P

    1) I agree that whenever anyone asks a question they should be prepared for any possible answer. Just don't assume that whenever women ask such questions men will be put into a spot. The best bf I had was one who WOULD tell me that I was putting on and reminded me to watch my weight if I do not want to get fat. I do not mind hearing this from my man if I know that he will love me through my weight changes lol.

    2) Don't keep asking that to a woman as well. :P It was an ex-bf who irritated me constantly with this qn, I am actually too proud to ask this to my boys. The trick is to say "I love you" instead whenever we want to ask this qn. If we are not too proud to keep asking "do you love me?" surely we are not too proud to keep saying the 3 golden words, which is really more touching to your partner's ears. And if your partner loves you, hearing those words will make them want to show you how much they also care (and therefore tell you they love you more often than if you ask "do you love me?"), even if they don't use these golden words as often as you do.

    3) A bf of mine made effort explaining the games to me while we watched, which I didn't understand at the end. But I enjoyed his "barbaric" behavior because I was bought over by his efforts to get me involved. He also took my girlish comments in good stride, comprehending that it was the best effort I could make to get involved. :D

    4) The same applies for women, or at least me. I had an ex who was always blaming me for everything over nothing, and I never understood what was wrong. Eventually concluded that it was still not my fault lol.

    5) Agreed. An ex once called me 44 times over a half hr span, and I wasn’t even with my bloody mobile. See, another reverse role-playing.

    6) Usually my boys were the ones who wanted to keep me talking after sex, so man-woman roles can be reversed as well. But I tend to believe that the reasons behind this generally differ between men and women. I think women want to be reassured that they are being loved and not used for only sex. Men want assurance for their sex performance; that they are not boring their women to sleep. Of course, not all men and women need such assurance, esp after gaining better experience with the opposite sex.

    7) I think it is not about what the woman wants to change in the man, but rather what we need in a relationship. I have heard feedback from some of my female friends that it is the men who ask for these rules/expectations early on in the game so that both parties would not be misled into thinking they have a chance of merging their future paths should any disagreement arise. Then again, I agree that women generally initiate this more than men. And for the men (or women) who prefer taking a step at a time, it can be daunting.

    Hope I have offered something satisfactory from a different perspective. :)

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  10. By enlarge, this was an interesting read.

    Hur hur...

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