I'm playing wheel of f*cking relationship fortune here.
Most days it's great.. I'm getting all the 'Free Spins' and big money.
Yet, some days I'm hitting Bankrupt five, six, seven times in a row. It's draining. And these days are growing in number.
I don't know much about the 7-year itch... but I seem to be inflicted with the 2-year itch. My last 3 relationships only made it to the 2 year mark. Hell of a coincidence, no?
I looked this up and found that in this day and age, the two-year itch is, in fact, a real phenomenon.
At the two-year mark, the neglected issues begin to emerge and couples are forced to face things they may not have discussed in the beginning: commitment fears, the prospect of losing personal freedom and the responsibilities of marriage and bringing children into the world.
So when these issues start surfacing, the relationship starts to be hard work.
This phase is supposed to last a while, and couples who weather it through end up closer and happier for it.
I don't actually know what that reward feels like. I am probably one of those people who have been implanted with the 'flight chip'. I imagine that I'm like that because when I was a girl, my parents always took me out of situations that I felt unhappy in. Always.
I cried at my first Ballet class, they took me out of that. I didn't like going to kindergarten, so I missed a year of it (which explains why I had a such a slow start in primary school, but hey I made it past university so I guess they did the right thing by not forcing school on me). They took me off the school softball team cos the ball was actually hard and I didn't want to get hit in the face (Hey I'm a girly girl, not a tom boy, so get used to that). I was brought up with the believe that if you're not happy with something, you don't have to put up with it.
So now, I bolt because I'm enslaved to the idea of perfection and happiness and the pursuit of it. I remember distinctly telling my last BF when I broke up with him- that I was just not happy, and I didn't foresee being happy with him. Broke his heart, he was a great person, didn't do anything wrong. But I took flight.
A marriage certificate doesn't come with any special powers that will hold two people together. It's just a piece of paper. So if I want a perfect marriage, I need to have a perfect man.
I don't take marriage lightly. I don't want to end up unhappy forever after (or divorced!)... And let's face it, permanence is scary.
Now I am faced with the similar problem I faced the last three times. Only difference is, I'm more aware of it. And it's at a level where I don't want to lose it. How do I get my present relationship past its fledgling state? Am I doomed to add another 2 year Ex to my list?
I don't know anymore.
Would you like to solve the puzzle?
There's no such thing as the perfect man and the perfect marriage and happiness is a whole bunch of bullshit that adults want us to believe because they still habour hopes of it when they read us fairytales at that impressionable young age. I am cynical and bitter and I am trying hard to rid myself of the last inkling of hope that there can be perfect bliss in a marriage, or partnership. It's all hard work - but of course if he's the drinking, beating and cheating kind then hard work is better spent on the computer geek at the office or something. And yes, I do believe in the 2nd, 3rd and 4th year onward itch. Based on observation and personal experience, couples tend to crumble after the 2-year mark. My theory (based on the principle of hard work) is that relationships crumble if they don't move on. By moving on for a couple means entering another phase in life together - that is, engagement, living together, marriage, having babies, etc. You have to keep on progressing. But if you're the commitment-phobic type then the easiest way to move on is of course to move sideways and into the next relationship. I say if he kinda suits your style, then keep him and work on it. Or you could be 30, 40 or 50 and still working out the 2 year itch and wondering if happiness can be found in the next perfect man. Of course, the rest is up to something I also believe in -- fate. Sigh.
ReplyDeleteNN
I think much of the problem stems from over-analyzing these things. Stop worrying too much and you will begin to enjoy what you have! :)
ReplyDeleteLove is not about finding the perfect man, it is about seeing an imperfect person perfectly :)
ReplyDeleteHolly,
ReplyDeleteI experience the same thing as well...never lasted beyond 2 years. I did find an article however, which, might explain it.
The Marriage Train by Dr. James Dobson
Do you ever feel like you just don't love your spouse any more? Well, welcome to the club. The fact is love is not dependent on our feelings and emotions. The fact is feelings come and go. None of us always feels intensely romantic and loving towards our spouse.
In a genuine love relationship, there are times of closeness and caring, but there are also times of distance and disinterest. And worst of all, there are times of apathy when a couple feels nothing at all. Emotions are very unstable. They are just ephemeral. And you can't build anything so permanent on something so shaky. So where does the stability in marriage come from? How can we weather the vicissitudes of everyday life?
The key to a lifelong love is found in a commitment of the will, which is like the engine on a train - it'll keep you moving down the right track. But feelings are like the caboose, being pulled along by the powerful engine at the other end. Once you make up your mind to have a successful marriage, no matter what, you'll no longer be shaken by the ebb and flow of emotions. Which end of the train is pulling your relationship? It's a question worth pondering.
Source: TODAY, www.family.org.sg